Mom remembered everything about me February 22nd 17:05
I met two mothers who thought,
will never laugh from the bottom of my heart for the rest of my life
It took me some time to get up from an intolerable experience.
It was the thought that they would never forget the life they had nurtured, and the many people they met.
(Naoko Okubo, Reporter, Network News Department)
All of them were mothers in their 40s who responded to the interview.
The two became acquainted through each other's children.
In the case of Kan-chan's mom
My name is Shimakantaro.
It has been small since I was born.
Born 30 weeks pregnant, he is 35 cm tall and weighs 1008 grams.
My lungs were immature and I was planning to go to the intensive care unit soon.
But I miraculously gave birth to a small voice.
Mom noticed it and reached out, and I held her hand for a brief moment before entering the intensive care unit.
Dad was called by his teacher and explained that I had many illnesses.
There was also a "disorders of sex development" in which the sex of the body could not be clearly distinguished, and the sex could not be known without echography.
On the third day of my life, my kidneys didn't work well and I was transferred to a large hospital.
Milk and medicine were usually put in through a tube in the nose.
I was born in May, but I first went home in October.
At home, I had to inject milk and suck tan every 3 hours every day.
I cried so badly at night that my mom didn't have time to sleep together.
I had various illnesses and had many departments, so I went to the hospital every week.
Bronchitis, pneumonia, liver dysfunction.
He was hospitalized and returned home repeatedly.
Examination at 0 years and 9 months also revealed a disease called myelodysplastic syndrome.
Also, the number of illnesses has increased.
Shortly afterwards, the teacher said, "Kan-chan may develop acute myeloid leukemia within a few years."
Although my mom was having a hard time, she worked hard to raise me and finally weighed over 3000 grams at the age of one.
If I grabbed it in my mom's hand, I could stand up.
At that time, my photo was only a smile.
Sudden change when trying to go home
"Maybe Kan-chan was a little sick from the morning on that day,"
Mom says, but I'm
I was just taking a picture that morning and as you can see I'm smiling.
"When I look back at the photo, I feel that my face is swollen more than usual."
Mom said so, but I can't help but not understand.
It's just as usual that I'm flirting, raising my right leg, and having a cheerful face.
After flirting on the balcony, I went to the hospital for a monthly hematology examination.
He gained weight well and was pressed by a drummer when he was in good physical condition and came home.
Mom somehow felt that my way of crying was different than usual.
When the heat is measured, it is 38 degrees.
Mom took me to the emergency department of the usual hospital.
Then the fever was higher and it was said that it was over 43 degrees and could not be measured.
I did not understand the cause of the fever.
Mom contacted her dad at the office and asked her to come soon.
A tube entered the throat to breathe and was put to sleep with medicine to ease the strain on the body.
Dad arrived at the hospital and the teacher said, "I'm feeling calm."
Once urged to go home, Dad and Mom talked to me, "I'm coming tomorrow," and went home.
At that time, an alarm sounded suddenly to inform me of the change in my condition.
Dad and mom have been taken out of the ward.
Life support for me
In the waiting room outside, Mom cried to Dad, "It's okay. It helps. This is an absolute lie, an absolute lie. No, no!"
Life support was taken for me.
The next time the nurses told me to enter the ward was around 11:30 in the middle of the night.
What she saw was me undergoing a heart massage.
Blood was bleeding from both the mouth and nose as if it was "buobuo", and the teacher was desperately massaging her small body with great power.
When she saw it, she couldn't understand what was happening and cried out loud.
Dad and mom have been taken out of the ward again.
The teacher came out.
He was told that he was in a dangerous situation.
Mom cried again, "Lie, Kan-chan won't die, help me, absolutely help me."
At around 0:20 midnight on the 31st when the date changed, the teacher came to Mama outside the ward again.
There was a detailed explanation, but I was so shocked that Mom couldn't understand.
I just knew that I had done everything and had little hope.
The teacher painfully asked Mama.
"What are you going to do?"
Mama replied, crying.
"Please stop it."
I've been doing my best so far, so I didn't want to make you feel any more painful or painful.
Mom told me to stop CPR.
I lived for 1 year and 5 months, and 15 days and 15 hours, and said goodbye to my mom and dad.
"Why didn't you stop the massage after you got rid of the bloody Kan-chan?"
I wonder if I couldn't let him die in my
Mom regretted thinking so.
Dad and mom washed my body at the hospital facility.
He cleaned me while crying.
Then the three of us left the hospital at midnight.
I drove to a night road where no one was walking, and searched for a funeral director while holding me dead.
I found a funeral director who said, "I will accept it 24 hours a day," and visited him.
Mom and dad were impatient for dry ice to cool me.
The uncle of the funeral director may have been surprised at the sight of holding the deceased child and explaining the situation.
But the uncle said, "It's okay. I'll give it to you. Why is this cute girl?"
The funeral director still remembers this day and even my name, and he thought he had to reassure the upset young couple as much as possible.
The uncle came home with dry ice at night.
I spent three days at home before the funeral.
Mom was busy dealing with people who came to see me.
When I was alive, I had to be careful about infectious diseases, so I couldn't meet people easily.
That's why Mom wanted me to meet a lot of people and remember me.
And many people came to see me.
Mom remembered everything about me
The day of the cremation was a cloudless blue sky.
Many pictures of me were displayed in the funeral home.
At the end of the funeral, Mama hugged me in the bone jar and said, "When I was one month old, it was the same weight as when I first held Kan-chan."
People around me were worried that the mom who lost her child might have gone a little crazy.
However, when I weighed the bone jar and I, it weighed 1165 grams, and I weighed 1162 grams a month after birth.
Mom's hand remembered everything about me.
Then Mom was sad and crying and screaming at home all the time.
I also wanted to go to me.
One day, I searched the Internet for "mom who lost her child."
Then I found a lot of blogs and SNS that wrote about the feelings and experiences of losing a child.
"I was the same."
"I can't get up."
Moms also shared their thoughts through SNS.
Mom decided to take the plunge and meet her at a hotel restaurant in Shinjuku.
Four moms got together.
"The child's place was cute."
"This gesture makes me smile."
"What are you doing in the sky?"
The story was endless.
Mom couldn't stand it and cried.
I was able to laugh for the first time since I said goodbye.
I also made some indispensable friends.
In the case of Kiku-chan's mom
There is an activity to make baby clothes and hats smaller than commercial products that children who have died due to miscarriage or stillbirth wear.
Mom got to know Kiku-chan's mom through her activities.
I had just lost Kiku-chan and looked lonely, so my mom talked to me.
Kiku-chan is a girl who said goodbye to her family in her tummy.
Kiku-chan's mom went to the obstetrics and gynecology department twice because she was worried that she wouldn't feel much fetal movement even after the expected delivery date.
After confirming the heartbeat, I was relieved to go home and gently hungry.
On the morning of the day six days after the scheduled date, I felt a strong pain in my stomach.
Kiku-chan's mom went to the hospital believing that her daughter would be okay.
I thought I would be hospitalized and give birth.
Daddy who was crying
That's why I told Kiku-chan's dad that I wanted him to come to the hospital when he gave birth.
However, when I arrived at the hospital and put on a device to check my heartbeat, Kiku-chan's heart wasn't moving anymore.
Kiku-chan's mom rushed into the public telephone booth so that she couldn't hear her crying outside.
Then I called my dad's company.
"Kiku-chan, my heart wasn't moving. I'm sorry."
I could only say that.
When I got home and entered the room, Kiku-chan's dad crouched in a bath towel and cried.
Birth of a deceased child
The next day, she will give birth to Kiku-chan, who died.
Kiku-chan's mom entered the split room early in the morning.
Promote childbirth with a labor-promoting agent.
It hurts and hurts, I clenched my teeth and put up with it.
A person at the hospital who saw the situation asked me several times on the way, "Why don't you make it painless?"
However, I felt like I could face Kiku-chan, so I put up with the pain until the last minute and gave birth painlessly just before.
"Even though I'm dead, it just spun out,"
said the teacher.
Kiku-chan's mom thought, "I did my best all the way to the very end of my stomach."
Kiku-chan will spend two days at the hospital with mom and dad and one day at home.
Kiku-chan didn't move in the bed and kept her eyes closed.
But mom and dad certainly had more than just sadness.
I took a lot of pictures of the three people with the new camera.
Kiku-chan had a calm expression that seemed to laugh and raise her voice.
At night, Kiku went into the baby futon that he had prepared and slept in the shape of a river with three parents and children for only one day.
"I love my child so much,"
the two who saw Kiku-chan's face felt that way.
If not me
The next morning, I went to the crematorium and Kiku-chan said goodbye to her family.
Kiku-chan's mom came to think about various things.
During her pregnancy, she was very anxious about her life after giving birth after she found out that Kiku-chan in her tummy had an illness.
"Because I'm an unreliable mother, I wonder if I made a choice
not to be born?" "Isn't this if my mother wasn't me?"
I just blamed myself for a while after getting to know my moms. It has changed.
When I heard the story, "I want children who have traveled to the sky to see how they are alive," I began to wonder, "Is there such a way of life?"
A child like me who lived only a little, a child like Kiku who said goodbye in his stomach.
Moms of such children gathered and decided October 4th as "Angel's Day".
"Children's Day in Heaven"
's the day
Every year on that day, everyone gathered and started firing balloons at us in the sky.
But now I can't get together because of the new Corona.
Therefore, I decided to fly soap bubbles into the sky at each house and favorite place.
Last year, October 4, 10:04.
Kiku-chan's mom flew soap bubbles in a park with beautiful green grass.
"Because Kiku-chan was there, I was able to meet various people and get to know various thoughts. There are many things that Kiku-chan brought to me
My mom flew a soap bubble towards me in the sky by the sea.
Mom was flying for over an hour.
Moms never forget us.
Thank you everyone (doctor, uncle at the funeral director, people who came to see us ...).
Everyone involved with us supported mom (and dad, of course).
Moms don't forget about everyone.