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Domestic violence is increasing in Germany - although the Federal Government committed itself to combating violence against women on a lasting basis when the Council of Europe's “Istanbul Convention” came into force around three years ago.
According to the latest crime statistics, a total of 141,792 cases of intimate partner violence were recorded by the police in Germany in 2019.
Almost one percent more than in the previous year.
117 women were killed by their partner or ex-partner in 2019.
Contact points for men who want to work on their violence are rare.
In Berlin there is only one project, the “Advice for Men - Against Violence”, the sponsor is “People's Solidarity”.
For more than 20 years, the psychologist Gerhard Hafner has been working here with men who want to change.
The program is supplemented by the “Child in View” project of the Social Service of Catholic Women (SkF), in which Hafner works with the sons and daughters of violent fathers.
WORLD:
Mr. Hafner, in more than 81 percent of cases of domestic violence, the victims are women.
Why don't so many men get their aggressions under control?
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Gerhard Hafner:
Aggression is human.
And women are not saints either.
In 19 percent of the known cases, the victims are male.
Just as with male violence, one can assume a high number of unreported cases for women because the victims do not dare to go to the police.
Nevertheless, women are less inclined to use their fists to resolve conflicts.
They can often argue better and have learned to talk, even about personal matters.
Psychologist Gerhard Hafner: “Of course the man is responsible for his behavior.
That is the basis of our work "
Source: Fotostudio Neukölln, Gunnar Bernskötter
WORLD:
Your counseling center wants to help men who have become violent in any way to find other ways of resolving conflicts.
Do your clients come voluntarily?
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Hafner:
First and foremost, you don't come of your own accord, but are sent to us.
Either from the partner who makes a visit to our advice center a prerequisite for the continuation of the relationship.
Or through the youth welfare office, which links the right of contact with the child to visiting us.
Or by the local court.
In this case, the man is already on record, then the violence may have gone so far that it resulted in broken bones or worse.
"In almost all cases breaks played a role"
The experts had forecast it, and the first official figures are now available.
The corona lockdown has led to a massive increase in domestic violence, both among adults and among children.
The injuries are worse than feared.
Source: WELT / Eybe Ahlers
WORLD:
It is certainly a great challenge to approach a client with an open mind, of whom you know that he has done something like that.
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Hafner:
We assume that the men mostly did not plan to be violent, but it happened to them.
WORLD:
Doesn't this attitude take away men’s responsibility for their actions?
According to the motto: "She provoked me so much that I couldn't help it."
Hafner:
Of course, the man is responsible for his behavior.
That is the basis of our work.
He has learned to use violence to resolve conflicts.
Therefore, he is also able to act non-violently.
WORLD:
How do you learn that?
Hafner:
In contrast to women, men often lack awareness of their own well-being.
Men tend not to know that much about themselves.
They are angry and do not realize that they may be stressed at work, that their anger has a cause that has nothing to do with the partner.
And then something just breaks loose.
Recognizing processes like this is something we try to teach men to do.
The big challenge is to notice in good time when the situation escalates, to learn to find a way out.
This includes addressing conflicts in good time.
WORLD:
How long does the behavior training last?
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Hafner:
Ideally, this takes place in group sessions and courses over six months on topics such as “Effects of violence on children” or “Empathy with victims of violence”.
WORLD:
It is not so easy for an outsider to imagine that men who have beaten their wives sit together in a group and talk about their lack of empathy.
Hafner:
The men who come to us shouldn't be imagined as thugs, as machos who love to use violence.
It is more likely that men have not learned to resolve conflicts constructively.
And usually they are ashamed of what they did.
The group can be very helpful to them.
It is good for them to know that others have the same problems.
That relieves them.
And they can also give each other suggestions and models for change.
WORLD:
Can't there also be unpleasant solidarities?
Hafner:
Of course there is also male companionship and the fact that men hold women responsible for their violence.
We as coaches have to prevent that.
WORLD:
When does violence begin?
Hafner:
That is the question we are discussing with the men.
Is it a slap?
Push?
Humble?
Doesn't violence start the moment he forbids her to visit friends?
To wear a short skirt?
Violence is not only expressed in physical attacks.
Ultimately, the partner defines what violence is.
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We urge men to talk to their wives about what they perceive to be violence.
One defines a term as assault, the other says: “I'll put that away.” It is important that men learn to be open to criticism.
Do you think the slap and slap are appropriate?
Although education without beating should be taken for granted today, recent surveys show the opposite.
Slaps in the face or the much-quoted slap on the bottom are still okay for almost half of the legal guardians - not so for child psychologists.
Source: WORLD / Peter Haentjes
WORLD:
How willing are your clients to learn?
Hafner:
You definitely want to change your behavior.
The children are an important starting point.
The fathers should recognize the damage that this causes in children when the father beats the mother.
Everyone gets that.
Every father wants to be a good father too.
WORLD: But
children are also a risk factor for conflict.
Hafner:
Right.
It often plays a role here that men do not want to be told by women, they do not like to feel constricted in their partnership.
However, this happens when the first child is born.
Women are more likely to be prepared for the fact that the nights are shorter and that freedom is restricted than men.
They often have difficulty adjusting and showing that they are reliable.
When women demand more commitment, make demands, invest less time in their job or hobby, then that can become a point at which arguments can arise again and again.
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WORLD:
In the past year, at least 139 children lost their mother to their father in a homicide.
Why is even the cruelty a man does to his children not an obstacle to the crime?
Hafner:
Ownership often plays a major role.
According to the motto: "If she doesn't want to stay with me, I have the right to kill her because she is mine!"
WORLD:
You offer special advice and courses for refugee men on topics such as "Equality between women and men" ...
Hafner
: Some men first have to learn that women and men have equal rights.
But the notion that women are owned by men is as global as domestic violence.
For men with or without a migration background.
WORLD:
How high is the proportion of migrants among your clients?
Hafner:
Of the total of 312 men who received personal advice or took part in a course in 2019, 134 were not German citizens.
That corresponds to 43 percent.
Different cultural backgrounds require different approaches.
With the help of a colleague from Morocco and a colleague of Turkish origin, we have the opportunity to reach some of the men with a migration background.
WORLD:
The special thing about your work is that it involves the whole family.
Hafner:
We cooperate with the social service of Catholic women, there I work directly with the children affected.
My colleague at SkF advises women.
We have a very close cooperation between working with perpetrators, supporting women and looking at the children.
WORLD:
What is your success rate?
Hafner:
Experience shows that there is a significant change in two thirds of men.
When we say goodbye to them, however, we tell them that they are not cured forever, but can relapse like dry alcoholics.
They are dry violent criminals.
You need to continue learning to get out of the situation on certain triggers.
If they notice that the issue of mother-in-law or the issue of money is coming up again - issues that could upset them and escalate towards violence - then they have to find alternative behaviors.
If you have learned to handle these situations carefully and to be sensitive to when violence begins and what it does to the woman and the children, then you have learned something.
Right from the start, however, we convey to women that they must continue to take care of their safety and that of their children.