THE SEX QUESTION - What is domination?

What does it really mean to be in a dominant position during sex?

This Friday in "Sans Rendez-vous", Catherine Blanc tackles this notion by answering Anne-Laure's question.

This listener is disturbed because her partner confessed to her that she prefers to be dominated in bed.

But for the sexologist and psychoanalyst, we must already understand what these two notions really mean.

And it is not necessarily simple ... 

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Anne-Laure's question

My boyfriend told me he'd rather be dominated in bed, but I've always thought that a man should be dominant.

I therefore find that quite particular and I have a little reluctance.

What do you think ?

Catherine Blanc's response

First of all, we must define what is meant by dominant and dominated.

Because playing at being dominated is already a dominant posture.

That is, he can force her to play the role of the dominant.

We tend to think that men are dominant, that they come up with a project and that women suffer.

An idea that was also a way for women not to feel guilty of their desires and their sexuality.

But of course, it is a question of a balance with two desires which are expressed and which benefit from all the games where one is in turn above-below, or active-less active within the same sexual act. 

Why does the desire to be "dominated" remain taboo among men? 

It is first of all because we imagine that it is the female role, but above all because it is a childish role.

When we are children, the pleasure we have in our mother depends on the maternal power.

And therefore to be aroused by something which puts a "dominated" position more in evidence, is to refer to something extremely archaic in its construction and often not sufficiently assumed, manly, adult, etc. 

It's weird to think that being dominated refers to the mother's dominant position in childhood

We have things in our sexuality that come from our childhood.

You have to understand that it [sexuality] is built anyway in our first romantic impulses and our first tender relationships, therefore with mom. 

Anne-Laure seems disturbed by the desire of her boyfriend, why? 

Because that can send her back to the obligation to be more proactive and put forward in her expression of desire.

She is forced to have a strong position, to take matters in hand, and she draws anxiety: her desire is too exposed when she would prefer it to be hidden behind male wills. 

But we must not forget that the position of domination is quite relative, it is not because we have one above and the other below that there is a dominant and a dominated, it is a view of the mind.

Let us take the case of a fellatio: it can be perceived by a woman as being a submission and by another as being a domination since precisely, she will direct this penis in his erection and in his ejaculation.

So there is no rule that clearly identifies a posture as being more dominant or dominated.