"I could handle it myself": how does Margarita Gracheva, crippled by her husband, live after the tragedy

A resident of Serpukhov near Moscow, Margarita Gracheva, suffered in one of the most resonant cases of domestic violence in Russia in recent years. In December 2017, her husband Dmitry, with whom the woman was going to divorce, took her to the forest, where he tortured for more than an hour and cut off both hands. He thought about the crime in advance: he prepared an ax and tourniquets to bind his wife's hands. After torture, Dmitry Grachev took his wife to the hospital, and he surrendered to the police. One hand of Margarita was saved, on the right she wears a bionic prosthesis.

Before that, the woman had already contacted the police, fearing for her life. A month before the tragedy, Grachev took her out into the forest and threatened her with a knife, but did not inflict physical injuries. Law enforcement agencies refused to open a criminal case at the request of Margarita, limiting themselves to a preventive conversation with her husband.

After what happened to Margarita Gracheva, they started talking about the problem of domestic violence with a vengeance. In November 2019, a draft law "On the prevention of domestic violence in the Russian Federation" was introduced, which caused heated discussion. Some said that the document provided for insufficient protection measures for victims, their opponents argued that the prescribed sanctions were too strict, and that the normative act would be used to interfere with people's privacy. The bill has not yet been adopted.

In parallel, the ECHR (European Court of Human Rights) is considering a collective complaint about police negligence and inaction. The complaint was filed by Margarita and other Russian women who were in a similar situation.

As the lawyer of Grachevoy Marie Davtyan told RT, the process is not going fast, but the defense of the victim is inclined to believe in a positive outcome of the case: “The European Court has asked the Russian Federation about legislative and practical changes in the protection of victims of domestic violence. This means a lot to us, because it rarely happens. Consequently, the court recognizes the systematic nature of the complex problem. "

On November 15, 2018, the court sentenced Dmitry Grachev to 14 years in a strict regime colony. RT spoke with Margarita about how her life developed after the tragedy.

"This is part of my life"

- In many interviews you are asked questions about what happened in December 2017. Is it hard to come back to such terrible memories again?

- Of course, I'm tired of these questions. True, lately I have not talked so much about that day, because all the information is on the Internet. Everything has already been discussed a hundred times: in the media, in the courts, plus my mother and I have written a book. I prefer to talk about how I live now, about disability and about domestic violence. On the other hand, I have somehow come to terms with the fact that it was, and am calmer. It's still part of my life.

- What helped you to survive what happened?

- I have not worked with either a psychologist or a psychotherapist - I hope I was able to cope myself. I also had support from my relatives and close people. And the kids just don't let you go limp. You can't lie down and say that you don't want to go anywhere, because you have responsibilities.

I also received tremendous support from a variety of people, even strangers, who helped me morally and financially. Thanks to them, we made the prosthesis in the shortest possible time.

I received an artificial brush from the state only after a year and a half. If I could only count on this prosthesis, then after a year and a half of helplessness I would fall into the deepest depression.

- You have a video on your Instagram where you show how you do your makeup. How do you get used to the fact that some things now need to be done differently?

- Physically, you get used to the prosthesis relatively quickly. But psychologically it is difficult. Now I come to the store and evaluate, for example, clothes: how will I fasten and unbutton them? Although I used to say that if I want something, I'll buy it, even if I can't fasten it. Then I realized that anger and stubbornness would not get better. You need to adapt and adjust some things for yourself.

- What was the most difficult thing to get used to and what did you completely abandon?

- Probably everything. In disability, it is the realization that you cannot do something and that you are lagging behind that annoys me. This is perhaps the most offensive and difficult. You do a lot of things with your hands, now I can't do this and I have to somehow look for a replacement, how can you do it. Now I don't know how to write, and when I come, for example, to school or kindergarten, I have to ask to write for me, and I just sign. Or, for example, I cannot wash the dishes, but I can use the dishwasher.

- Do you often face tactless questions, sidelong glances?

- I do collide, but, probably, it will now be throughout my life. When I go to the store and buy groceries, and then put everything in a bag, half the queue turns around. They look as if I'm performing in a circus, waiting: "Wow, she put bread with her prosthesis!" But this is our mentality. I hope that we will grow up over time and will be calm about people with disabilities.

There are about 12 million disabled people in Russia, but how many do we see them? Very little. It seems to me that it would be more correct for children to see us already from preschool age, and adults (parents and teachers) explain to them that there are people in wheelchairs, with prostheses, with hearing aids. Not with the message that all this is sad and sad, but with the idea that such people also exist, this is how you can interact with them, you don't need to perceive them as aliens.

Understandably, people rarely see mechanical prostheses. If you come to me normally and politely ask about my hand, then, of course, I will tell and answer your questions, if I have time. I know that people are interested in it.

- Does it happen that strangers persistently offer their help?

- There is a fine line with its own nuances. For example, a person in a wheelchair does not need to be grabbed and driven if he has not asked for it. You need to tactfully ask if he needs help. As for me, in most cases I am with children, they help me. Or I can do it myself. Although they helped me recently, when I went to vote, I couldn't open my passport myself.

- If a person on the street wants to approach Margarita Gracheva, what should he definitely not do?

- Definitely grab my hand, especially without asking, which some people love to do. We do not approach an ordinary person and do not say: "Oh, you have such an ear, let me grab it." So is my prosthesis, it's a part of me, it's my arm.

"It is often too late"

- There have been so many high-profile stories of domestic violence in Russia, including yours. Do you think something has changed since then?

- Is that the discussion of this topic has become more. Essentially, no one feels any progress in this plan. When two years passed after the tragedy, I wrote a post that we have been discussing the law on the prevention of domestic violence for so long, weighing all the pros and cons, but there is no help. To be honest, as a victim, I don't care what form it will take, how it is promoted, whether by law, or by changing the Criminal Code. I just want there to be real, effective assistance and protection for the victims.

• © Photo from personal archive

Until now, girls write to me every week, send photos of beatings, and because they constantly turn to me, it's even worse. All I can tell them is that they rely on themselves as much as possible or contact an organization like Violence.net, where they will receive free help. There is no support from the state and the police yet. And what needs to happen for the situation to change, I do not know.

The good news is that we are discussing this problem, celebrities are connected. But at the same time, no matter how scary it sounds, I do not exclude such a scenario: my ex-husband will come out, kill me, and only then we will remember that there was such a Margarita Gracheva that it was necessary to adopt the law and protect her.

And how many stories do women prefer not to advertise? They are afraid of condemnation from people - in our country they like to say that she is to blame for everything.

- Why do you think the law has not yet been adopted?

- I do not know. Opponents say that we already have enough articles in the Criminal Code that can sort all this out. But they work only when there is already beatings or death. Until this moment, the police have no tools to influence the situation. It is often too late. And when you are a corpse, it is unlikely that someone will help you.

- Which system of preventing and combating domestic violence is closer to you?

- The problem of domestic violence will probably not be completely solved anywhere, but this does not mean that we should not try to solve it. I know that there are such laws in 156 countries, and in the post-Soviet space they are absent only in our country and in Belarus. In France, as far as I know, not so long ago they just adopted electronic bracelets as a guarantee of the execution of a protection order. In some European countries, if you say the code phrase "Mask number 19" at the pharmacy, it means that you are threatened and beaten at home, and you will be helped. By the way, during the quarantine, the level of domestic violence increased many times.

- What measures to protect victims of domestic violence, in your opinion, should be introduced in Russia?

- Firstly, the adoption of the law in itself does not mean that no one else will die. Secondly, I want to emphasize right away that the advocates of the law are not going to protect only women. Men, children and pensioners also suffer from domestic violence.

Two and a half years ago, of course, such a measure as separating the criminal from the victim would have helped me. You submit an application, and you immediately automatically disperse, he is evicted so that you are protected. Because the worst thing when you applied is to return home to a person who threatens your health and life.

It's also scary that we don't have any help if you're being persecuted. There is no punishment for this at all in the Criminal Code! And the person you live with knows perfectly well where you work, where you go. Therefore, I would like to introduce such a thing as a protection order. Ideally, of course, in the form of electronic bracelets, and not on paper, so that there is more evidence if a person violates the restrictions. But this, I'm afraid, is a matter of a very distant future.

- In our country, as a rule, the victim of domestic violence escapes from the aggressor, and not he is evicted ...

- Yes, and I think it is fundamentally wrong. Here, it is the victim who must leave home: collect documents, children, look for where to run from the person who committed the crime and who continues to live in peace.

I am often told that I have to move. There is some logic in this, because at the moment my country does not protect me. And it is not known whether it will be when the ex-husband is released from prison. But I don't want to hide all my life. I didn't kill anyone, I didn't injure anyone -why exactly should I run and hide?

In general, at the moment we have a strange attitude towards family well-being. Alimony comes to me for two children in the amount of 200 rubles a month. It’s both funny and sad, if I hadn’t experienced it myself - I wouldn’t have believed that this happens.

The deprivation of parental rights of the ex-husband was from the fifth or sixth meeting, nine months later. The prosecutor's office said that he was a good father: he had done nothing wrong to the children.

"I'm not going to get married by force"

- You have two sons. How do you educate them?

- Mom, I'm strict. I think that education should be taken seriously. Ideally - by personal example, by the way we live. The difficult moment is that in most cases, domestic violence comes from childhood, the child saw, for example, dad hitting mom. And it takes a lot of work to win this subconscious mindset. I often hear how they did not immediately see a sadist, a psychopath, where they looked, why did they not find out everything? But it is, perhaps, only in the royal families that they collect a thorough dossier of who was sick with what, who beat whom. They won't tell you that, or maybe the person himself doesn't know about it. And it’s scary that it’s impossible to see, as under an X-ray, a person who was loving at first, and then suddenly turns into a monster.

- Maybe there are some alarming calls that you need to pay attention to, and which you only realized now?

- Unfortunately, there is no exhaustive list of dangerous signs, although that would be great. Violence can be of completely different types: physical, psychological, economic, sexual. Each has its own characteristics. But one of the indicators may be if they begin to tightly control you. At the very beginning of a relationship, you can perceive control as a plus, a sign of courtship: you were met, taken away, nicely. This is how I lived: my ex-husband had all the passwords from social networks, and I didn't even pay attention to it. It seemed to me that this was the norm, there was nothing to hide.

- Tell us, what are you doing now?

- Less than a year ago we moved to St. Petersburg. I planned to leave Serpukhov for a larger city, and in St. Petersburg I was undergoing rehabilitation. Well, with the beginning of quarantine, I decided to stay. I don't really like the rain and climate, but the city is very beautiful and rich in culture. And most importantly - the people who surround me.

There is no permanent job now, but there are projects that I do several times a month. Therefore, I do not have a clear daily routine. In August, there will be a shooting in Moscow on the topic of domestic violence.

- InInstagram I saw your photo , where you jumped aete parachute. How does it feel?

- The instructors asked me if I was afraid of anything at all after such a tragedy. Yes, I, like any other person, am also afraid of jumping from great heights, and everything else.

Parachute jump for me was a dream, I wanted to do it eight years ago. Then there were children, and still there was no time.

And now, after what happened, Lena Volokhova wrote to me, she does not have an arm and a leg, and she makes projects "Non-therapy", where people with amputations jump with a parachute. I also jumped, which is very, very happy, I just enjoyed it when I flew. Now I want to do it again, but this time with my mother for her birthday.

- You esch yo diving?

- Yes, I like it, it's interesting, although difficult. Although at first I said no, what kind of diving, I want to the sky, and the water is not mine. Then she got involved. This is also a project for people with disabilities, which was organized by Dima Pavlenko. In general, when I am invited to such projects, I usually do not refuse. True, quarantine has made its own adjustments here, now everything is closed.

- You and your mother wrote the book "Happy Without Hands" and said that you want to film it. Any interesting suggestions?

- They come in periodically, but there are no specific agreements yet. In an amicable way, I would like the movie to be shot, possibly abroad, shown around the world, translated into many languages. And that the film was not a documentary, but a feature film, with a release in cinemas.

Of course, I do not see myself in any role: professional actors are needed here. But I really want to participate in the process so that the film is as accurate as possible.

- Are you planning to write further ?

- As for the second book, there are ideas, so far only sketches. But in the near future, I think everything should work out.

- You are going to get married a second time. How are the preparations for the wedding going?

- I want to say that you do not need to judge the entire male sex by one person. I am getting married in September, almost everything is ready for the wedding. The mood is high, I'm not going to get married by force, I want it myself. I am looking forward to this event, it is important for me. But I would not want to talk a lot on this topic. For me, the upcoming September 1 and the first class with the eldest son are more exciting.