A safe, sensibly chosen relationship. Can it work? The topic has provoked a lot of discussion on the Vauva.fi discussion forum, and many Finns say that they have found happiness in the so-called common sense union.
The expert has also shown the green light to a steady and passionate relationship in the past.
In our publication in June, couple and family psychotherapist Liisa Välilä said how a stable relationship does not necessarily require passion and admiration.
According to Välilä, things that are important in a relationship are often commitment, joint agreements and trust. Välilä also reminds that even if the relationship lacks legs underneath, it can have a lot of joy and satisfaction.
In the end, however, the most important thing is to identify your own needs in relation.
- Someone may need a friendly relationship, another more adventures, passion and sex.
The same analysis of own needs was emphasized by resignation experts Helka Belt in a story published this week. According to Belt, it is especially important to consider what you want from a relationship and what things you need.
Read also: Two divorces and other relationships did not last - Helka found himself repeating a harmful pattern
We also compiled Finnish stories. This is how rational relationships have worked.
"I don't want any more drama in my life"
- I had been in love with my husband for over 30 years and the rest of our marriage was a mere pain for both of us, even though there was enough love. However, practical life with each other did not go well. We were too different and wanted completely different things. Both had to make too big compromises and suffered. Wise of that, I decided to choose a man for the rest of my life based on a man’s rationality. I considered it important that a man is calm, smart, gets along on his own, respectful of a woman, amicable, helpful, has his own craftsmanship, does housework, is also willing to share hobbies, enjoys being at home and does not run in guests ...
I found was looking for and even though I did not feel any butterflies in the stomach after the first meeting, and I'm not crazy about love, as I was with my first husband, so I'm now much happier. I am grateful every day that I managed to find such a wonderful man who makes me feel good and that makes my life is balanced and serene, just what I've been longing for. I don’t want any more drama, teasing, screaming, fucking, insecurity, sadness, and unhappy minds in my life.
"For the sake of money"
- I have good sense Alliance for the money. Yes, my husband still wants me often, I have never really felt a passion for him, even though sex is just ok. My life is wonderful! I have never for a moment regretted my choice. For 15 years now, the common sky is behind us, and it just gets more fun.
“It’s nice to live a safe life”
- I started the relationship for emotional reasons, but continued for the sensible. The man is nice to follow, we have an easy time together, ie the division of labor goes smoothly as well as the rest of life. It is nice to live a safe life where there are enough amenities and everyday life can be shared casually with another. I don't miss the passion.
“I feel nothing but warm affection and respect”
- I am married to sanity reasons. I wanted kids, it started to be the last moments. I wanted a decent father for the children and a reliable and safe partner for myself. We have now had just over ten years together, three children and everything works. I just feel nothing but warm affection and respect for my husband. For me, that’s enough, childhood was sheer drama and that kind of thing I got enough of.
“Life is serene and everyday life rolls”
- I also have a sensibly chosen spouse. As a young man, I got tired of these panaman liars with whom no family life could have been imagined. I am happy with the choice, now 18 years together and two children. This man is the best thing that has happened to me, I'm happy. And I didn’t have terribly big feelings at the beginning either, but life is serene and everyday life rolls in and there’s sex a couple more times a week - maybe not always so passionate, but still. I get affection too. What more could a woman now hope and expect?
“No need to feel lonely”
- I started my relationship with sensibilities. No need to feel lonely, get to love, a woman is nice and we have fun together, we play together, we share the cost of living, sex is often and that is good. There is everything but that “wow” feeling. Of course, I miss that genuine admiration and animal lust, but after years of loneliness and being left behind not only for all that is good, this is enough for me and makes me happy. She has that sense of wow towards me and it also makes me happy.
There can also be intimacy in commonalities.
Photo: Aleksey Mnogosmyslov / Colourbox
“Even a slow start and rationality will not stop you from finding passion in the future”
- We started the relationship quite passionately on the part of the man, I was quite skeptical at the beginning, of course I considered the man handsome. I was actually in love with someone else who wasn’t interested in me, so in a way then I just ended up in a relationship with him on the man’s initiative. Little by little, however, I ignited in earnest and fell in love with my husband. He suits me brilliantly, seeing life and the future in much the same way. I feel like he’s the missing piece for me, so to speak. I felt the butterflies in the stomach after this often, even now, after fifteen years.
That is, I think a slow start and rationality do not prevent me from finding passion in the future. Personally, I only found it when I was able to trust my husband completely and unhindered. I have also followed the relationships with my friends and found out that all other relationships and men of sound (when you get beyond the superficial kurkattua) so awful and inappropriate for me that I never would want to trade places with any other woman.
This is my biggest reason why I hold my husband’s nails and teeth in the future as well. I would probably have gone in search of something better myself in weak moments, if these relationships with other acquaintances hadn’t shown that switching would probably just disappear.
"Now, I have already fallen out of the plot of the number of years participants have been without sex"
- I've been married 20 years and in the beginning it was a thrill and passion more than it is now. There was more sex at the beginning, but less often after the birth of the child. Now, I have already fallen out of the plot of the number of years participants have been without sex. Before that, there were several years of quarterly sex, maybe once every three months. Despite this, I feel very happy. We have a great time together and we have caring and warmth. Our children have already moved away and we are two. The man is very dear to me and sometimes I find myself in the similar fan girl mode I was when we met. Although he’s not as well-preserved as some of his peers (and neither am I), he’s still handsome in my eyes. I wouldn’t trade him out at any cost, I feel like we’ve had a good life and good years are yet to come before we move on to the rocking chair phase.
“Our comfortable life together ended when our spouse got caught up in love messages”
- After a little love, I started dating a nice man. We had fun together and we had a great time. Moved together and got engaged. Sex coagulated after the beginning and there was no lust or other tremors during the whole relationship. This relatively comfortable feeling lasted for such 4-5 years. It all ended when my spouse fell in love with his new co-worker. Our comfortable life together ended when our spouse got caught up in love messages. The feel pretty bad to see it infinitely spouse viestittelevän a stranger, that you are a woman of my life and I'm in love with you, when in fact, I had heard of such things in our relationship. But I myself would not have been able to say such things to my spouse, for I myself did not feel greater than any partnership.
"It feels like many years of life have been wasted"
- I started a relationship mainly reason. We got married and were together for a total of seven years. My life situation was very tattered when we encountered and I had experienced several disappointments in the relationship. The man was decent and nice, even good looking. Three years went well, after that there were already quite just guys. However, it always came up well. After seven years, I started to miss my passion and that was the end of the relationship. It feels like it became a waste of many years of life just because at the beginning of the relationship I longed for comfort and above all a decent man.
Ilta-Sanomat and Vauva.fi belong to the same Sanoma Group.
Some of the reports have been shortened.