If you are single, and even more after 30 years, you have undoubtedly asked yourself the question: will I one day find a soul mate? Will I finally discover the 'rare pearl'? These intimate questions are asked by millions of men and women around the world. So how can you find the right fit for you? Doctor and columnist Damien Mascret tried to answer it on Monday in the program "Sans Rendez-vous", on Europe 1.
The ambivalence of being single in the long term
“You may have noticed people around you who are great and yet are always alone. Sometimes you have a hard time understanding why he or she cannot find the right fit. Sometimes there is ambivalence. . It will be necessary to know if, precisely, your single friend, in any case which remains alone, is not ambivalent compared to what he wants. Because after a certain time, one realizes that some may ultimately savor the advantages of being alone. Although there are obviously also disadvantages of not being with someone and advantages of being with someone. So that ambivalence must be that you are looking for the soul mate, and think that if you can't find it, it's not for you.
Make a list of your current priorities, already to know what they are. It may not be at all, moreover, to find someone, to find a soul mate, to form a couple. So when you go to make this list, you are also going to put something important aside.
Maybe indeed, today, I want to devote myself to my work. Let’s say that in the next three years, I’m going all out on this. Why not ? There can be like that the list which will make it possible to specify. It lets you know that ultimately, there is no will at all on your part to be in a relationship. Maybe you will meet a soul mate, as they say, but at the same time you have other priorities.
Finding a partner is like "doing job interviews"
Finding a partner is a bit like the journalist Judith Duportail said in her book Love under Algorithm : 'I finally feel like I'm doing job interviews, because that's a bit like when we review. ' Because yes, we still have to talk about the functional. We are still in a process where we will try to find if we can do business with someone for life and for things that may be even more serious than work. But in any case, we are still in this process, so really consider your feelings. And you can even do what's called the time travel test.
It means that you ask yourself and imagine yourself, for example, with a person you have met. Well, I imagine you let yourself think of old stories a little bit, right? You've met someone, you close your eyes and you're like, 'I guess I'm spending my life with you.' You let yourself be soaked in that a little bit, and you pay attention to the feelings, how it makes you feel. And then you do the opposite, that is, you say: 'What if I stay alone? It's not the right one, it's not the right one, 'what's going on? And so you will have two very different feelings. You will see that there, your intuition will inform you and give you a lead towards what is actually your current aspiration.
When you want to take action, where do you meet your soul mate?
Some will say no to you, this is not where I can meet someone at such and such a place. This is a bad excuse. There is no such thing as a good place. If you go into the history of each couple, you will see that it can be completely surprising, unexpected, the place where we meet. Basically, the first secret of the place of the long-term romantic encounter is rubbish, that's clear.
The second secret, which is still very important, and that's what we do in adolescence, is to increase the number of people we meet. Do not hesitate to meet a lot of people, go out, meet these statistics. There is not a single shoe on your feet. There are many pairs that may be suitable. So we have to get out. Do not hesitate, even if there are two places that lend themselves well. It's true, work, because you meet people and see them act. And also when you are introduced by friends because often they have the meaning of: 'hey, they could suit him or suit him.' So, do not hesitate to do it there too.
Are lonely people alone because they are too demanding?
It's true that when you form a couple, you often look for similarities first. So the more you have invested in an area, whether it is an intellectual, emotional, spiritual area, the more you will look for someone who has also invested a lot in this area. So, in a way, the more the choice is likely to be restricted.
However, stay open there too. Last tip, you can make a small list. You have to list a few of the qualities you look for in someone. And when you had made this list of required qualities, you are going to circle those which seem really essential, indispensable to you. And when you have surrounded these essential, indispensable qualities, you keep in five. This will give you a good cue for what you are looking for, while still being very fluid. Again, if there are not 5. It does not matter. Try your luck, you risk nothing. "