How to avoid the traps of a couple too fusional to the point of denying the individuality of the other, or too disfigured who would let the other escape? In the program Sans Rendez-vous on Europe 1, Thursday, the doctor and columnist Damien Mascret is interested in the right distance to have within a couple, in order to maintain a fulfilled and balanced relationship.
Do opposites really attract each other in a couple?
"There are fusional couples. Besides, most couples begin by being fusional. There is this phase during which we discover each other, everything is beautiful, we only see the qualities. We completely idealize the other. My grandmother said the following: choose someone for his faults rather than his qualities, because you will always accept qualities.
In reality, we sometimes say that opposites attract each other, but we also say 'who looks alike comes together'. It is clear from the longevity of couples that this is an important factor. It is better to be with someone who looks like us. There are many important characteristics that come into account: socio-economic level, culture, what we think is the role of women and men ... These are similarities that we look for in the other. This is why we have endless discussions with our partner at the beginning. We discover each other and eventually merge.
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Then there is the phase called "de-fusion", that is to say separation. We finally find the right distance in its couple. We separate a little, we resume a little There are two problems that can arise. The first is that one of the two is still in the fusional phase and, seeing the other move away, tends to pursue it, which further accelerates the This is the pursuer-pursued syndrome, so be careful to let the other have a little bit of space.
The other danger is to remain fused. We are close, we share everything, we share the same friends. Of course, we are safe, but we may end up completely 'de-eroticizing' our partner.
But if the other is de-eroticized, what happens? What are we doing ?
If you do not want to lose the excitement and on the contrary find it, it will be necessary to recreate distance with your partner. We always say that the desire is actually in the space between the two people and not when they are stuck. You have to live your life a bit on your side. We may very well have different friends. At first, in a couple, we introduce ourselves to friends and we often have validation from friends. But then, we can tend to exclude certain friends when you can very well have some that suit you and that do not suit your partner and vice versa. There is nothing in principle to prevent them from being seen separately, while the fusional torque ignores them. So see friends separately even if they don't please others.
It is also necessary to tolerate the remoteness of your partner, it is necessary that he or she has a little bit of freedom. This is how the other finds his individuality and becomes exciting again.
Should we be a little more selfish?
Obviously, we must finally authorize what is called selfishness in eroticism. The fused couples tend not to want to hurt the other, one does not thus make him a proposal which could strike him. In short, it becomes a bit boring and monotonous. So you have to think about yourself and become a little selfish. In short, the objective is to find a balance between a little less intimacy to gain a little more eroticism. "