Psychologists have long been interested in studying and understanding the difference between happy and unhappy couples, and what is the factor that makes the difference between them, and they focused on the importance of avoiding negative comments and frequent criticism in order for the relationship to succeed and not end in divorce.

One of these studies on husbands was carried out by psychologist John Gutman and his colleague Robert Levinson after they founded the "Love Lab" at Washington University in 1986, in which each couple was asked to solve the conflict between them within 15 minutes, and then the dialogue and body language between them were monitored, and when reviewing the tapes Carefully recorded and monitored over a long period, the researchers were able to predict and know who couples will stay together and who will be separated, with an accuracy of over 90%.

Positive and negative balance

The researchers made a very simple discovery that the difference between happy and unhappy couples lies in mastering both the balance between positive and negative interactions, for each negative comment directed by one to the other must be followed or preceded by five positive reactions to mitigate negative effects.

Researcher at "Love Lab" Kyle Benson says that negative interactions include emotional rejection and criticism, and body language that a negative message can be sent through as well, and because negativity has a great emotional impact, we find that one negative interaction requires five positive reactions to mitigate its impact.

Benson explains that negative interactions occur among all couples, but the difference lies in focusing on fixing them quickly and replacing them with positive comments, empathy and understanding.

Sylvia Smith, writer on marital relations, stresses that it is best to point out the positives first and confirm how much you appreciate your wife, before you criticize something.

Benson goes back to saying that strengthening the marital relationship - by building a positive balance of deliberate appreciation and positive interaction - reduces the effect of negative comments and conflicts that usually occur between spouses, and a deliberate focus on the positives will offset any of the negative moments in the relationship.

Positive marital interactions - which can cover up your criticism of your wife - include caring for her and expressing her love and affection, searching for opportunities to agree with her, sympathy and apology, and accepting her point of view.

Adopting the usual method of criticism can destroy someone's life (Getty Images)

Side effects of frequent criticism

Author Marianne Reid says in an article on Live Hack that constructive criticism does not harm, but adopting the usual method of criticism can destroy someone’s life. You may think that you are helping your wife with your criticism and negative comments on her, but she finds herself trapped in a negative criticism cycle. This has a number of side effects, including:

  • Hiding things: routinely criticizing the wife and focusing on negative things makes her tend to keep secrets, and your wife may face new challenges without telling you so that she does not meet the torrent of criticism that is bad for her psychologically.
  • Repressed resentment: The accumulation of criticism can lead to feelings of resentment, knowing that resentment is worse than hate it is like background music that you do not always notice, it is present while everything else seems normal. Living with resentment is painful and makes those affected with it vulnerable in the future.
  • Seek a way out elsewhere: A wife who is under heavy criticism needs refuge. It can be as simple as reading a book or taking refuge with a friend, or it can be as severe as asking to end a relationship. 
  • Lack of interest and indifference: After a period of coexistence with repeated criticism, the wife will stop listening and stop caring, and become indifferent in your opinion, and you will turn into a heavy burden for her.
  •  Lose self-confidence: continuing to criticize your wife for losing her the energy necessary to live life to the fullest, and she will become weak and calm, and will not want to try new things to develop herself.
  • Total dependence on others: The wife may completely surrender to what the husband says, become unable to perform her duties, and transmits all difficult decisions and tasks to the husband who has to bear the result of his actions.

Appreciation should appear before cash (Getty Images)

How do you criticize lovingly?

Choose the right time, never judge your wife when she is having a hard time, offer constructive criticism only when she is calm and can give you her full attention.

Make sure that you have a conversation with your wife so that you both can express ideas and listen to each other's point of view.

You should also show appreciation before criticism. If you want your partner to accept your criticism, always highlight what you value first, then your criticism will be taken more positively.

Keep in mind that everyone is responsible for their own life. If you criticize your partner, choose your words carefully and offer advice only when asked to, and show compassion a lot.