What makes some of us unable to stay alone while others enjoy these moments? In this context, we will talk about "the ability to be alone".
In his book, "The ability to be alone," writer Rene Gressar said in an interview published by the French newspaper, Noval Observator, "My psychoanalyst Donald Winnickat says" My intention is to study the ability of an individual to be alone on the assumption that this position is one of the most important signs of maturity of development. Emotional. "
To clarify the vision of psychoanalyst Winikat - which may not always be clear to anyone familiar with psychoanalysis - Catherine Audbert - a psychoanalyst and author of a study titled "Inability to Be On Your Own" - presents an article on love, loneliness, and addiction (in the sense of getting used to the presence of the mother or Someone permanently) some explanations.
The quality of the mother's attendance
According to Donald Winckatt, loneliness can be learned, and for infants and children this begins with the ability to survive alone with the presence of a reference adult.
Here, psychological analyst Katherine Audbert stresses that "we need each other to live not only to meet our vital needs but also to communicate. Without supporting the environment around us, it will be impossible to achieve psychological development, so Winnickat says that the child alone does not exist, he must have a mother."
According to Audbert, this mother - or any adult considered a reference - should not deprive the child of his own space, as Winnickat considers that "when (the child) is alone he can only discover his personal life", and he is able to do the equivalent of what a person does Adult.
Psychoanalyst Katherine continued her speech by saying that the mother is a concept that represents any person who takes care of the child at an early age, i.e. he belongs to his human environment, and therefore what we are talking about here is the quality of this mother's presence.
If this presence is necessary for the child who needs this support, this child needs at the same time to communicate on his own, and if the mother is very intrusive and the child is always responsive, he cannot learn to be alone or live this experience.
The permanent attendance of the reference person
Regarding whether this explains the inability to be alone or fear abandonment or the overwhelming presence of the reference adult, the psychoanalyst commented that you can be alone on your own when you do not suspect that others will spoil you at this moment, or that we can do so because we We chose this moment that does not contain any factor that could raise our concerns.
Regarding the possibility that the permanent presence of the reference person may harm the child, Catherine Audbert replied that excessive in this aspect does not allow the child to incorporate the so-called "good thing" in psychoanalysis. It is the permanence of this internal thing that prevents feeling abandoned or exhausted, whether we are alone or in a crowd. From people, here Winnycat says, "A good enough mother does not take advantage or surrender."
Good enough mother
Regarding the concept of a "good enough mother" as frustrating because of the constant pursuit of the image of the ideal mother, the psychoanalyst commented that once we touch on motherhood until we have a conviction that the ideal mother really exists and that she is always right, but Donald Winnickt affirms otherwise. There is no ideal mother.
It is very natural for the mother to resort to screaming again, and to be tempted again, but there is nothing wrong with that, it is not dangerous, because balance can be found, and what really matters is that we trust this mother, and that the child knows that even if the image of this evil "mother" surfaces "Sometimes it can always be counted on.
As for the ways to establish this trust, the psychoanalyst stated that the needs of the child should be taken into consideration, and this does not of course prevent you from listening to yourself sometimes, as there are mothers who cannot be relied upon, because they suffer from a psychological problem.
Besides, children are not equal in these experiences, some of them are able to overcome parental failures, and some are less able or unable to do so.
Attachment theory
All of this data leads one to think a lot about the "attachment theory" which the psychoanalyst said was attributed to the psychiatrist John Bolby who relied on observations of behavioral attitudes between children and their mothers. As a result, four types of attachment bonds were extracted. In group A we find Unsafe attachment, and in group B safe attachment, group C includes a group of children who have unequal or insecure attachment, and finally group D includes irregular and dispersed attachment.
To classify ties in different groups, John Polby specially brings or removes reference parents from the room where the child plays, and then notes how he interacts.
In the clinic, this method is also used to find out how a young child behaves when parents go to the waiting room. Will he let his parents disappear? Or will he focus all his attention on the outside, fearing his parents will leave without him or stay calm?
Regarding the condition of the child in such a situation, the psychoanalyst stated that the child would be fine if he enjoyed the session and he knew fully that he would meet his parents in the end, and that they would be in the waiting room as he was told at the beginning, so he used the time given to him.
Loneliness
As for the possibility of a change in adults, the specialist stated that this is possible, but it is more difficult, because other problems often add to the inability to be on your own, and in this context one can think specifically about the strategies of unconscious addiction.
Audbert developed this point in her article because she was working in the addiction department, and thus she was able to notice how far the inability to be alone was related to addictive behaviors.