It may consist of kissing for a while or just a few seconds. Depending on the time, there will be those who want to snack something, there will still be those who chat and smoke a cigar, and even those who play music and take a dance . Or couples who wonder how they are, listen, respond and decide to sleep.

Aftercare in a sexual relationship can be as broad as there are people in the world. In English, the term is aftercare and comes from the universe of relationships that are structured around domination and submission, or BDSM , a term already known after the revolution of The 50 Shades of Gray and that, in case there were any upstarts, It means bondage , discipline, domination, submission and sadomasochism . Those who enjoy what the body travels when one is at the mercy of another, or on the contrary, they tend not only to take care of themselves with intentional care but also to ask themselves, a priori, what things do and what things don't.

They also negotiate a word they call "security" that serves to, at a given moment, slow down, say this no or enough is enough, please. It can be "peach" , say "peach" and that everything is over, lower the adrenaline and one can express exactly why or what he feels. These three forms of assertiveness exercise, according to sexology, a powerful mechanism of emotional balance, immediate well-being, health, after all. Therefore, they encourage them to include them in all forms of sexual encounters, extrapolate them from the BDSM world and take them to traditional sex or what the sado enjoy as vanilla sex. How to transfer to the vanilla universe, then, these elements of sex allegedly harder?

'Going fast' is not right

In the Borobil Center , in Bilbao, the sexologists Estela and Lola have it clear: «Leaving quickly, not saying goodbye or acting distant are not ways of taking care of ourselves after a sexual encounter. We must try to invest time in the after. Whether with a joint shower , chatting, caressing or even sleeping. What we both decide will be fine. If we really do not have time to be together after the event, it is interesting to send a message or call by phone ». And they emphasize from this translation of BDSM to traditional sex that, those who practice the second «tend to give much importance to what happens before and during a sexual encounter. However, how we act once we are done will help us feel closer to the person (or people) with whom we have shared a moment of vulnerability and intimacy.

That is why sexologist Isabella Magdala , author of the volume Your vagina speaks (editorial Uranus), summarizes the question with these words: «From now on, care is not just the preliminaries, it is the before, the during and after». And thus introduces another Anglo term, self- care-personal care, closely related to the aftercare being analyzed. Taking care of yourself is taking care of the other and the best way to take care of yourself together and to serve something.

No sharp separations

Magdala speaks of "women who culminate sexual intercourse with a feeling of emptiness" because after orgasm "there has been a sharp separation." "Instead of strengthening the union with the other person, separation is sometimes reinforced," he says, "and the best way to solve this is self-care ."

«They teach us to take care and not to take care of ourselves, to please and not to please ourselves», continues sexologist Martina González Veiga . "This has its translation in the sexual sphere, and it is very internalized in women to think more about the needs of others than in their own." At the same time, this professional says, and although it sounds paradoxical, she is urged to "take care that they do not harm you, that they do not abuse you, that there is no pregnancy, nor a disease, and an eye that the first time can hurt" . "A complicated relationship with the bodies" that leads to situations such as "the body itself, which keeps track, says here," explains González Veiga. In that "so far," Magdala continues, "there is no balance while creating dependency. There is a fine line between pleasure and addiction, as long as you are spoiled there will be no problem but if anyone stops caring, he will do things he does not want, he will settle for less than he deserves, he can get hooked.

Taking care of yourself is not selfish

To the terms aftercare and selfcare is added another that is also hashtag, self care isn't selfish , and that means taking care of yourself is not selfish. A trend of female empowerment that involves "managing better life schedules and attending to health", as well as learning to say no and set limits. Taking care of yourself can, of course, put on a mask, and also turn off the phone, get under the comforter and be comfortable also with the need to know nothing about others. "You think more about the needs of others than your own, and it is believed that it is selfish to think about you and so many women sacrifice their lives," says sexologist and psychologist Martina González Veiga.

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