- Rosalía and Rauw Alejandro: why are we terrified that the vulnerability of the monogamous couple is evident?
- Couple From Julio Iglesias' 'Hey!' to Shakira's 'Monotony': spite, escape valve or opportunism?
As the lyrics of the already well-known theme Hayami Hana by the artist Rauw Alejandro say to Rosalía "we all know a damn" of the most commented break of the show business. Nor is this the umpteenth article on whether it is convenient for the therapeutic process of writing to be shouted from the rooftops in such a recent grieving process. We reiterate, society cannot know "a damn", as the Puerto Rican composer and singer acknowledges, about bedroom issues that remain within the couple, even if they are aired in the media or Spotify. Perhaps, only he and she, the protagonists, know if spite is being used in their favor, expressing their most intimate feelings, begging for forgiveness or, simply, it is an image wash after accusations of infidelity.
Now, the objective message in the song: "I will be many things, but never unfaithful. She always had the key to my cel", by cell phone (mobile phone) leads us to reflect if sharing passwords in a relationship is a sign of fidelity or, even, convenient and healthy for a couple.
SOMETHING IS NOT RIGHT
"If you need to give the code of 'tu cel' [of your phone], as the song says, to your partner to trust you, reaching that point of sharing a key to demonstrate your fidelity is that the relationship is fatal," says frankly and very emphatically Ana Sierra, psychosexologist and couple therapist.
To the consultation of this professional, in fact, many people come who have problems for spying on smartphones without permission. "We start from a very negative situation, because trust must exist, regardless of having a code or not, and you are not more reliable for facilitating it," he says.
"I felt like violated when I saw that I had entered my computer and was seeing all my photos with ex without my consent, throwing my past in my face," shares a 35-year-old girl who prefers not to give her name so as not to be recognized, since this fact meant the end of their relationship. "A person's privacy has to be respected, I don't care if it's a phone, a computer, your sex toy drawers or a diary. You set your limits and trust, and if you don't, it will be for something," Sierra reflects.
REASONS FOR DISTRUST
The breakdown of such a media relationship has shocked his fans. Gtres
If there are real reasons to distrust a person, for strange behaviors, Sierra says that "the couple has to talk about it or go to therapy if necessary." But there are other cases in which one of the two develops a celotype, or pathological, "an irreversible and multifactorial delusional disorder that makes you think that your partner is unfaithful", or has jealousy due to distrust and insecurity that "do not reach the pathology, because they do not generate obsession or compulsion", but they are a problem because of that fear of being deceived, describes the therapist.
"That problem is personal, not couple. It is a distrust due to an insecurity of yours or fear because they have already done it to you before and you lived deceived and it was triggered, you found one of your parents being unfaithful, etc. This is common in consultation." And it can be very serious in some cases, Sierra emphasizes, because that obsession with wanting to know everything about the other leads to madness. This type of disorder has also increased due to the misuse of social networks.
"I use myself as an example: spying on my computer, with all the confidential patient information that I keep, can be a crime for the protection of personal data. It is very serious and even a reportable fact," he says.
"Who seeks, finds," says the proverb, and that can be very negative for the relationship, determines the psychosexologist. "E-mails or chats with co-workers or friends can have an affectionate tone and the person who looks at them will be infidel, not necessarily genital. There are people who, for example, do not conceive of a friendship with the opposite sex because they think that getting along entails flirting or other intentions, or who see an unforgivable proposal with another person to meet for a drink. " What happens in these cases?
A MOUNTAIN OF A GRAIN OF SAND
View this post on Instagram
It is very likely that people who need to corroborate their confidence due to insecurity, explains Ana Sierra, unconsciously misinterpret everything they see. "In the sense of reaffirming what they believe. It is the self-fulfilling prophecy in which there are even reading problems." A previous belief that something is happening, which is also read very quickly. "Generally, it's a maneuver where you have a lot of adrenaline and stress so you don't get caught, so you read diagonally. Or, even if you know the password or have been given it, it generates a lot of anxiety to be able to find yourself face to face with infidelity or the fact of not finding anything. "
In the latter case, in which the jealous person with insecurities or jealousy finds no reasons, the psychologist has even found people who believe that she has erased everything. "It doesn't do them any good not to find it. And, if they find it, it's going to do them a lot of damage. What's the use then?" he asks.
View this post on Instagram
"Apart from being unhealthy for a person's privacy, sharing the password of a mobile phone is not even an indication of fidelity," says Sierra. If a person wants to be unfaithful to you, they will be. "There are many ways to hide it, even giving you its code. There are experts in double and triple lives, with several phones and profiles on social networks. Spying doesn't solve anything. On the other hand, it causes you a lot of suffering."
He has seen it dozens of times in consultation, even with innocuous messages between friends where you see things that are not there because you get into paranoia, he says. "The problem is with them, not with their partner. If I have to confirm to the other that nothing exists all the time, when it is true that it does not exist, that problem of mine is transferred to the couple."
And if, going back to the proverb, does the river that sounds, water carries? "There have always been stories of heartbreak in the songs, although the last ones are very evident with their errands, as has happened with that of Shakira and Bizarrap. Now, if it were confirmed that there has been infidelity, the fact of making a song of this type would be cruel, "says Sierra.
But let's not get off topic, which was not the purpose. Faced with a breakup, and without knowing her situation, simply as a psychologist, in the first moments, Ana Sierra would advise Rauw Alejandro, Rosalía and any other couple, although not so notorious, zero contact so as not to hurt the other person. "You have to give space and air to a relationship that ends." So nothing to rummage, helping us with technology, nor in their new publications on social networks. For mental health.
- Couple relationships