"Hikikomori Mama" Women who play wives, mothers, and daughtersMarch 3 at 20:17
"I've always been alone in childcare and housework, and I want to work, but I'm a housewife. I feel that I am not productive,' and "When I became a housewife,
I couldn't say anything because I couldn't be financially independent, and I couldn't be anything,"
said the women I met at the Hikikomori Mama's Association.
A mother and a hikikomori? ...
At first, "Hikikomori Mama" didn't ring a bell.
However, when I listened to the story, I didn't think that the situation that deepened my isolation from society was a big deal.
(Director, Social Program Department, News Bureau Mahiro Miura)
"I can't find productivity in myself as a housewife."
"I want to work outside, but I can't get out of being a 'housewife,'"
says Kasumi (pseudonym, 4 years old), a full-time housewife who lives in Tokyo and raises a four-year-old boy.
I couldn't affirm myself as a housewife, and I was suffering.
Kasumi:
"As a stay-at-home mom, I really hate feeling like I'm not very productive. For me, housework is... I wonder what. I mean, it doesn't remain in shape. I think it's a job that will be highly appreciated if you do it properly. For me, it's not something that stays in shape and I don't see much value."
Kasumi, who says she never intended to be a housewife, was originally a science girl who graduated from a four-year university.
After graduating, I worked for a food company, but when I got married, I quit the company I was working for and started helping my husband with his own employment.
Kasumi:
"I was assigned to be the manager of a nail salon run by my husband, and because I was treated as a self-employed family, I didn't get paid much. Even though I work so much, I can't get paid at all, and I really don't like it anymore. In the end, the last person told me that I wanted to quit because I wanted to get pregnant soon."
Kasumi once decided to give up her job, but after giving birth, she became more isolated as she took on all the housework and childcare by herself.
Kasumi:
"I've always been the only one raising children, and my husband is great as long as he's working, or rather, he's earning money. But other than that, I don't do anything. When I was really a baby, I could probably count on one hand. Didn't show any interest at all. That's why we're together, but I'm so lonely. We wanted them to love each other as children and be interested in each other."
Unable to confide in her husband, she held her by herself, and Kasumi gradually weakened both physically and mentally.
When she was 10 months after giving birth, her parents, who lived far away, noticed something unusual and visited the hospital.
I was diagnosed with postpartum depression and ended up in the psychiatric department of the hospital for three months.
Kasumi:
"I couldn't get enough sleep because I cried and breastfed at night. I lost the energy to eat and ate it with bread appropriately. But the amount and nutrition were not enough, so I lost more and more weight. I haven't been able to get nutrition or sleep, so I don't have the energy to do anything on my own. Children grow up and have a lot to manage, but I can't do anything. I couldn't do it, I couldn't do it, I couldn't do it, and it was very difficult. I wanted to quit my life."
Now that she has returned home, Kasumi is still responsible for all the housework and childcare by herself.
He says that he is unable to work because he is worried that he will lose his mental and physical balance again, and that he spends most of his time confined to his home.
And I was growing self-loathing for myself for not being able to do housework and childcare "perfectly."
Kasumi:
"I'm raising children, but I'm socially withdrawn, and I don't feel particularly connected to society right now. I really want to work and earn an income, but I'm afraid that this balance will be upset and I may become depressed again. I'm a housewife, so it's only natural that I have to take care of the house. But I'm not confident that I'm good enough to be a housewife. I feel like I can say I'm a housewife with this..."
"Hikikomori mom" could have been me
While listening to Kasumi's story, I almost cried many times. As a mother of a four-year-old daughter, I had many experiences that came to mind.
My motherhood began in a rural area with no ties to my husband due to his job transfer. While I felt that I had been given an irreplaceable life, my actual life was unimaginable.
In the first year of welcoming a newborn, they had no time to sleep and no one to rely on. Even so, I felt reluctant because I wasn't working, and I tried to take care of my daughter and do all the housework.
Every day I carry the heavy responsibility to protect my life and the anguish of taking on the role of a family as a matter of course. Looking back on it now, I think I was probably convincing myself that I should give up my own convenience as a wife and mother.
Kasumi may also have pushed herself to death more than necessary in order to become her ideal wife and mother—the overlap between her past self and Kasumi's appearance made me realize that "hikikomori mom" is an extension of the life of everyone who has become a "mother."
A place called "Hikikomori" where you can get your feelings out
Kasumi said she was "socially withdrawn." The places where I could ask for help were the "Hikikomori Girls' Association" and the "Hikikomori Moms Association".
The association is a place for women who have experienced hikikomori to gather and talk about the difficulties they face without gaining the understanding of those around them, and empathize with each other. It has been held nationwide for several years, and has been held in various forms, from small gatherings of a few people to events with dozens of participants.
Kasumi goes out to maintain her daily life, such as shopping and running errands for her children, and does not lack opportunities to interact with others.
However, I was unable to confide in my honest feelings, and this situation continued to be felt even with my husband.
Under such circumstances, I feel that by borrowing the word "hikikomori" and finding a place to belong, I was finally able to raise my heart's voice.
Kasumi:
"I heard that it would be held in my neighborhood, and I wanted to talk to someone I could relate to. When we were divided by theme at a girls' party, there was a table on mental illness, and when we talked there, I could relate to "a certain thing." When I think I'm not doing anything, it's hard to confide in my depression. Everyone is busy, but I... I can't step into relationships any more."
The coronavirus pandemic exposes the limits of women's patience
"I think that Japan society up to now has been partly made up of women embracing everything and giving up and putting up with it,"
says Kyoko Hayashi, co-representative director of the Hikikomori UX Conference, which holds the Hikikomori Girls' Association and Moms' Association, in which Kasumi participated.
As a person who has experienced hikikomori, I have been working to create a place for people who have difficulty living in society. Ms. Hayashi points out the limits of the burden that women are bearing, which has been exposed by the coronavirus pandemic.
Kyoko
Hayashi: "The coronavirus pandemic has increased the number of suicides and domestic violence victims among women. Just because they are mothers, wives, and daughters, women are responsible for raising children, housework, and nursing care. Furthermore, there is now pressure to enter society and work well. I think that housewives who have various difficulties and worries and are withdrawn are not an individual problem, but a problem of the social structure."
Hayashi says that even people who have not worked for many years or who are isolated due to difficulties in life can meet someone with whom they share the same feelings and create opportunities for dialogue.
Kyoko
Hayashi: "I would be happy if there were more opportunities to think that even housewives can issue SOS. Even if you want to talk about your worries, you can't tell anyone about them if you're withdrawn."
Until now, it has been recognized that there are many men who are hikikomori, but "female hikikomori" is becoming visible.
Even in a state of virtual isolation, due to the roles of the family, such as "full-time housewife" and "housework," women themselves do not identify themselves, their families do not have an awareness of issues, and the reality of women's isolation and withdrawal is not fully understood.
Kyoko
Hayashi: "At meetings and places where people who are hikikomori usually participate, 9% of the participants are men, and I feel that in places where there are many men, there are many women who cannot express their true feelings and cannot use it with peace of mind."
In fact, some of the women who participated in the Hikikomori Girls' Club said that they could not get close to the space where men were because they could not get rid of their fears from the trauma of sexual violence and domestic violence from male families.
The "me" that I took for granted by pushing it to death
Kimiko (pseudonym, 48 years old), a single mother whom I met at a Hikikomori girls' club, said that until recently, she did not identify herself as a "hikikomori."
Kimiko:
"I've lost too much because I'm a woman."
Kimiko began to talk to me very politely and somewhat apologetically when I met her for the first time.
What I confided in was regret about the life choices that had put "me" feelings on the back burner after marriage.
Kimiko:
"I can see my husband's complexion, but my ex-husband interferes with me when I try to have contact with society. When you try to do something, you put a lot of pressure and restrictions on you. It's scary, isn't it?"
Kimiko, who has been working as a caregiver for 10 years, attended a night vocational school to obtain further qualifications. However, after marriage and childbirth, if she neglected housework and childcare, her ex-husband began to beg her, and she was forced to withdraw from school after two years.
Kimiko:
"They threaten me a lot if I leave childcare and housework alone and study forever. Knives come out, and so on. The school is ... I'm really sorry, and I still miss it."
Untrustworthy "I'm a housewife"
After that, her ex-husband's moral harassment escalated, but she also had a hard time consulting about the damage.
Her ex-husband is a civil servant. On the other hand, Kimiko, who was unemployed, had a hard time getting people to trust the reality of her family.
Ms
. Kimiko: "I went there to see if my relatives, who work in the Women's Support Division of the city hall, could help me, but they said, 'Isn't Anta's efforts not enough after all?' I can't say anything anymore, and it doesn't work. No one trusts me. That pain was quite unbearable."
In addition, because she had repeatedly moved to her husband's work, she had no friends to consult with her closely in a land with which she had no ties. Unable to rely on her parents' home in a remote rural area, she gradually gave up on seeking help and became estranged from the community.
After seven years of her husband's obedient life, Kimiko, worried about the damage to her daughter, fled to a maternal and child shelter.
Under the guidance of the administration, relatives and friends ... I cut off all contact and started living in a new place. However, the coronavirus pandemic that came just before that time made us even more isolated.
Cornered by the Corona disaster ... Finally the limit
She became a single mother and started working as a care manager, but now she is at a social disadvantage for women who are responsible for raising children alone.
Kimiko:
"We are all full-time employees, but when I told her that my daughter was a schoolchild and could not work on holidays, she told me that she worked five days a week but was a contract employee. It wasn't a workplace where I could express my opinions. It was all overtime."
It was a time when I was grateful for the Corona disaster. I couldn't turn down a job because my contract was renewed every year.
My daughter, who is in the lower grades of elementary school, is left home alone until late every night and works without eating during the day. I couldn't even afford to share my personal worries and hang on to someone.
Kimiko:
"I'm probably too tired to do anything, and I can't take care of my daughter. That's why I can't read school announcements. It's really busy, isn't it? My house is like a garbage house..."
Last year, after working for two years and quitting my job, I was diagnosed with an adjustment disorder.
Even in a new place, there are still no opportunities to make mom friends or community connections.
He says that he stays in his room and watches videos of online vocational training courses and blames himself for not being able to work.
Kimiko:
"I'm afraid that if I don't do anything, I'll be labeled as if I can't do anything. What doesn't work... Like. That's the kind of admonition I had. I also felt that there shouldn't be people who are useless, and people who are not productive."
On the other hand, there were some things that I gained by having time to think alone.
It is "my thoughts" that I have lost sight of since I got married.
Currently, I am connecting to the government's consultation desk and setting goals such as participating in the "Hikikomori Moms Association" to increase opportunities to go out.
Kimiko:
"Now I'm remembering what I liked. It's weird that women are forced to change so much. Even if you are told to do something on your own, you can't do it, you can't. I wonder what the system is. I wonder what this inequality is..."
Postscript
Now that I've finished the interview, there is something that left a strong impression on me.
"Don't let your life take away from the way you want to live and the moments when you shine."
During the interview, Kimiko, who had spoken softly, had two moments when her voice trembled. Both times it was when she explained about her nursing care work, which she loved.
How much did Kimiko gain a purpose in life through her involvement with society through her work?
How great was the loss of losing it?
How cruel it was that the only option was to give up.
I think there are still many women who, when they get married or have children, put "themselves" on the back burner according to family circumstances. My husband is transferred, my child is sick, my parents are taking care of me... There is no end to the voices of anguish of women who are isolated due to their family's circumstances.
Because they are women, they are forced into a vulnerable position and there are many isolated "secluded people."
Kasumi and Tomiko taught me.
The interview team continues to solicit opinions and messages on "women's withdrawal and difficulty in living."
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Director
, Social Program Department, News Bureau Marihiro MiuraIn
charge
of the website "#となりのこもりびと" Produces programs on the theme of human rights issues and democracy around the world