Does your relationship approve? These are the signs that you should break up with your partner

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You can't be happy all the time or live permanently on the crest of the wave; From the outburst of falling in love to the moment when a couple consolidates and moves forward there are many phases in a relationship, and not all are pink. In fact, some point to black and indicate that the time has come to change. But without an infidelity, a betrayal or a specific motive in between, it is not easy to know when we have started the wrong path, the one that threatens routine, boredom and that concludes in a situation that is not worth maintaining.

However, the signs exist and are there for anyone who wants to see them. What's more, opening your eyes and acknowledging them in time is arguably the only way to save a relationship that is going under. "The problems start long before we can see them, especially in the case of men, who are often exploited next door to us without us seeing them coming. ' Well, no, you are exaggerating, we have the same situation as any other relationship' is a habitual response to the approach of a woman, "says Sebastián Girona, psychologist specialized in links and author of the books 'I can not stand you anymore' and 'Each one for his side'. "But the earlier the difficulties can be addressed, the more leeway there will be to try to solve them. You have to think about couple crises in the same way as a clinical illness."

In this sense, Girona speaks of four scales in the signals that warn, which go from less to more and that also mark if it is worth trying to recompose the relationship or rather you have to cut for the healthy, even if it hurts: "If I identify myself in the first or the second, you have to try; If I'm in the third or fourth, not anymore, because it's quite inaccessible and because at this stage infidelity can easily occur."

What are those four phases? The first is to have the feeling that the relationship is going through complex problems, "that are getting bigger and bigger, they are getting worse and that somehow they are becoming entrenched." The second, the lack of dialogue, "the oxygen of the couple", which leads to the third, distancing "and doing more and more things separately". Although you do not have to do everything together, when you have fewer things in common, the absence of couple projects also appears and this means that "it cannot be extended in time". Finally, the fourth, "the most serious of all", warns Girona, related to "feeling alone within the relationship and seeing that the other is a little alien, thinking that I no longer know what happens to him or what he has in his head".

No loose ends

Although the mere fact of doubting and looking for signs that reaffirm or reject suspicions is already in itself an indication "that something is not right and they are not giving me what I need, that we are lacking the minimum to sustain a relationship and be well, "says Girona.

Because the question is the focus of these last two words. "It's clear that when you're okay with someone you have no doubts and you never consider leaving the relationship or maybe you could be better off without that person. Doubts are an indicator that something does not fit you, "adds psychologist Silvia Congost, a reference in self-esteem, relationships and emotional dependence and author of the book 'When to love too much is to depend' (Zenith). "At that point, you need to ask yourself if that 'something' is so important to you as to cut if it doesn't change." And most likely, if it is the way of being of the other, it is that it does not, he says.

So when is it worthwhile to embark on the task of redirecting the situation? "When what causes us doubts is something that can be modified, such as the way we communicate, the things we share or how we transmit our love to our partner. But if it is about the way of being, personality or education (things that can also respond to a personality disorder) it is best to get away as soon as possible and without looking back, "says Silvia Congost.

At that point, there is only one way to do it right: "Being clear and without delaying it any longer. It is best to make zero contact to assume that it is over and that we can both adapt to the new reality without the other. It is important not to leave loose ends or give rise to hope with comments such as 'in time we will see', 'in the future you never know'... You have to cut without mentioning the future because the rupture must be approached as definitive; If you get caught up in hope, you never let go," warns the expert. For her, the following are the signs that allow us to recognize that we must break up our partner:

• We don't have the same values.
• We don't think alike about the things that matter most to us.
• We do not feel supported, understood or accompanied by him/her.
• We can't talk about the important things.
• We feel that he treats us badly.
• We notice that he does not act with kindness, he does things so that we suffer, to harm us or to punish us.
• He has no compassion, he doesn't hurt our pain.
• He has an education radically opposed to ours.
• We are embarrassed to go places with him/her.
• It takes us away from our family, friends or people important to us who love us.
• He manipulates us, blames us for everything, makes us responsible even for what he/she does wrong.
• It destroys our self-esteem making us feel useless or incapable.

The Red Witnesses

For Nacho Tornel, family mediator, university professor and author of the books 'Enparejarte' and 'Relacionte', both from the Planeta publishing house, these signs are like "lights on the dashboard, those red witnesses that light up informing you that the oil has heated up or the gasoline is running out. And before that, stop the car and take the instruction manual. If you can solve it, fine. If not, call the workshop," he explains.

Like Silvia Congost and Sebastián Girona, Tornel says that "in the couple it is essential to be able to recognize those red witnesses to identify the crisis and decide what to do: invest in the repair or send the car to the scrapyard". And what are those dashboard lights? The ones listed below:

• We talk very little looking into each other's eyes, I don't feel like he hears me and the screens are too present when we are together.
• When we manage to speak, the tone of reproach is frequent. Sometimes we yell at each other.
• If I think about it, I don't entirely trust my partner.
• We have almost no signs of affection and our sexual relations are increasingly sporadic. I think we do it to put a tick so that so much time does not pass.
• I have a hard time remembering when was the last time we laughed together.
• No wonder he seeks solitude. Sometimes I catch myself thinking with some enthusiasm about another person.

"When the red pilots are turned on, it is best to talk, become clearly aware of the situation in which the two members of the couple are and decide together a solution. If you have a professional next door, you can help and accompany them, but it will really be a personal decision, which will often have to be in the head: the heart does not beat intensely, it will be rather the will to want to float that relationship because it is thought worth it, trusting that love will reappear, " explains Tornel.

And what can be done then? How do we turn the situation around and recompose the couple? "Conjugating the verb to love in the present tense of indicative," answers the expert. "I love means I'm going to listen to you with attention, interest and affection; I will be very careful in the tone in which I speak to you; I'll try to do things I know you like; I will set aside some of my occupations to spend more time with you; I will use my imagination to think of some plan that can amuse us together; I recovered my manifestations of affection... These are some of the things that can turn off the dashboard lights one by one."

But you never have to agree with a mediocre relationship, says Nacho Tornel. And if the signs indicate that "the car must go to the scrapyard", it is very important to be able to end the relationship by incorporating four ingredients into the process: "Objectivity, serenity, listening and ability to understand the other," he concludes.

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