Why are relationships so short-lived today (is there anything we can do to avoid it?)

• Knowing how to forgive, a pending issue for our mental health

• From 'love bombing' to 'breadcrumbing', the new diseases of love and how to detect them

• It doesn't depend on you and you can't handle everything.

  And besides, you suffer more.

  Love in the 21st century, according to Tamara Tenenbaum

Although there are no official data on the

in Spain, we do know that marriages that end in divorce (7 out of 10) live an average of 16.5 years, data that says a lot about the volatility of relationships today. .

Even so,

.

This is demonstrated by the fact that approximately

maintains some type of relationship of this type, according to data from the CIS (2021).

We like to go through life in company, with churri incorporated, and despite the emergence of new models such as

or novogamy ('Novogamy. Beyond monogamy and polyamory',

ed. Oberon),

_

it is usually the north that governs, still, our loving compass.

Of course, it is not a monogamy for life.

As

one of the founders of the polyamorous movement, already described, the prevailing model is one that consists of

(complemented or not with a secret

from time to time)... although it is not exactly what we are looking for.

writes

in 'The end of love' (ed. Seix Barral), "we go from one relationship to another in search of an ideal and also, from frustration to frustration, because "that 'tranquility' we dream of, that

it is a fantasy".

Well, what a downturn.

In a pioneering investigation in our country, 'The management of privacy in the digital society.

Couples and ruptures in Spain Today', directed by Professor

from the Department of Sociology at the University of Malaga, and developed by a large team of professors and researchers from said department, reveals many of the keys to understanding the phenomenon and -what a remedy- to accept it as the normality on which it develops and (all the indications point) our life will continue to develop in the near future.

First conclusion after reading the study:

The couple as an option, not as a destination

It's not a joke.

In an unstoppable process that began in the 1990s,

has gone from being a

to becoming an

"Historically, the common life project was based on

around the economy, the union of two families and children," the researchers explain.

has had a lot to do with it,

definitive when it comes to

same-sex couples, divorce and successive unions.

The result is the

of almost any type of couple, with or without a bond sealed by an authority.

The

the experts write, has become "

or

, where what is important is not the community idea of

(the better half) but the sum of the two parts, of the two individualities".

Come on, in essence, I

I

With Tinder you have more partners, but you don't make it clear

We were headed decisively towards this general 'state of mind' when

Tinder-type

Like a ring with a finger, like hunger with the desire to eat, it turned out that the

and the new

giving birth to "an increase in the possibilities of pairings throughout life."

And now, the mother of all paradoxes: "This

hinders the stability of unions, giving rise to what biological anthropologist

calls

Come on, before considering a relationship as 'formal',

to the possible

"The Fertility Survey (INE 2018) indicates that

would like to have them, but do not do so because

percentage that rises to 50% in men between 40 and 55 years".

So the

until we find that person that we 'feel' like the perfect couple.

"In Spain, compared to what happened in the 1980s, where breakups were rare and socially sanctioned,

is currently very

of

with levels similar to the European average ", explains the study.

and

emotions

become, he adds, the

not convenience, duty or social expectations.

And when we consider that those feelings and emotions are not what they should be, well... see you later, Federico.

"The

support their relationships on much more flexible quicksand, becoming

than those that existed in other times".

Intense but crystal relationships

"Many

that

very

," the experts continue, "end equally quickly, with lack of

appearing and even

on other occasions it is the

and tear of unions,

,

and even the

which harms couples, so that

.

If we add to this the aforementioned social acceptance of the breakup and the 'facilities' to assume it (the economic independence of both members of the couple, among themselves), we have the perfect cocktail to say goodbye without further delay.

The effect of this

is "a more liquid love in which it is very important how both members of the couple feel, knowing how to manage disagreements above all and being prepared for an

Couples

the current context,

they are more aware of the probability that heartbreak can occur.

And this is going to go on like this indefinitely?

Looking to the future, the experts write, our increasingly digital society "will be characterized by the

in the sense that generations will be socialized in the break, both by their parents and by the accumulation of their own experiences, and they will experience this process in a

way than previous generations".

Possibly, this research predicts, "the greatest impact with respect to current societies will be the presence of

also in older

In short, that we are heading towards even more frequent and painless breakups, because we will be prepared for it.

The inevitable question is: won't it give us a tremendous laziness?

The other side of the coin

However, there are couples who last until death separates them, and they are happy.

An American study that has been following the lives of more than 2,000 people since 1938 to find out what makes them happy has determined, at least for now, that the philosopher's stone of happiness is...

The problem is that this idea we have of love... falls a bit short for long-term relationships.

If we pay attention to the different studies that have been carried out on the duration of what we consider to be in love, such as one carried out by biochemists from the Albert Einstein College of Medicine in New York, it turns out that what we all recognize as

and the intense crush, a year and a half.

Is there a formula for love?

Those of this scientific institute are not the only researchers who in recent decades have dedicated themselves to the search for the formula of love, including that of lasting love.

One of the most renowned theories is that of the psychologist and professor of Human Development at Cornell University Robert J. Sternberg, the so-called

of love, according to which intimacy, passion and commitment would be the pillars of a good sentimental relationship.

However, this theory has subsequently been challenged by various academic studies, since love has become an attractive object of study for many researchers and associations.

Like Richard Schwartz, Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School (HMS), who has built his career around the subject.

According to this expert, "we know much more scientifically about love and the brain than we did a couple of decades ago...but do we think that really makes us better at loving or helping people lovingly? Probably not much."

In the end, there is no formula, or at least

After all, love is the result of a formula as complex as its protagonists.

So we have looked for real couples who already have a long journey together so that they can give us their opinion on the keys that have turned theirs into long-lived couples.

The protagonists speak

Mutual respect and support.

Marelis and Luis, Venezuelans

"We have been together for 17 years. Ten of them we declared 'survival' (Chavismo and destruction of our status quo). I believe that respect and mutual support have prevailed, without which we would not have been able to continue together when there was no bread in the table (no water, no electricity, no medicines.) We became

it seems to me, best friends (although this sounds cliché)... In short, being there for each other, respecting them, supporting them and feeling that all this is reciprocal. I think that is where the love we have for each other is built".

Being in the same 'mood'

Marta and Javier, from Madrid

"Soon we will celebrate 17 years together. For a relationship to last, I think that the two people must be in the same mood: I want a relationship. It sounds like a platitude, but it is basic. That vital interests are shared; key in my relationship is that we know that children are not an option for either of them. Apart from this, the key is to

respect spaces, physical or mental. The same with friends. Humor (including knowing laugh at yourself). And respect: if you are with someone, respect their peculiarities, even their defects. If they are insurmountable, the relationship will not last, but the defects of each person, what you like least about them, will not change by you".

Have the same tastes.

Ana and Antonio, from Madrid

"In February we will be married 24 years and we were dating for 11. The secret? And what do I know … I think it is that we like the same things and the same way of living. Silly examples: we are capable of going to the bar of We don't like changes, we don't care about routine, we don't do sports, we like (almost always) the same series and movies, the same foods... I think it's there. Not to mention the children (and the dog), which tie you in. I also believe that having started so young there are no secrets: I know exactly what he is going to do and say at all times, but that does not bother me or bore me, at backwards,

The same is more fun another type of relationship, but also more insecure, and I'm already out, that is, I just want peace and tranquility in all areas.

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