How to say no, the pending subject... of almost everyone
From the gossip paparazzi to the gossip climbs, is it possible to defend yourself against them?
How to hang up the phone (instead of dying of boredom on the receiver)
I'm sure I don't even need to describe it to you.
And if I have to describe it to you, it is that you are from another world (and look: congratulations).
You get a
monumental anger
in the company, sometimes a sustained anger for months, or years (yes: it happens, I have seen it with these little eyes) and
you take it home with you
every day, as if it were your Siamese brother, or better , your
doppelgänger
, you know, that double bastard, your particular
Mr.
Hyde.
There, at home, your particular nemesis, a Frankenstein monster made of remnants of
stress
,
anxiety
and
negative thoughts,
begins to swing left and right.
Come on, let
your problems
they vomit on your
partner
, your
children
, your
pet
.
And if you don't have any of that, they turn directly
against you,
subjecting you to the torture of an
internal dialogue
that never leads anywhere but leaves you exhausted, bitter, attacked and dizzy... You fall asleep (if you manage it) and the next morning, more of the same...
Ok, and what do we do?
Because
'parking' stress
and
work anxiety
seems to be an impossible mission, something that we have all tried and in which we have failed, unfortunately... Is it really feasible not to take problems home?
As my
doppelgänger
has no clue, I entrust the answer to Elena Olaiz, Action psychologist and Brief Strategic Psychotherapy with extensive experience in treating this type of problem that, she explains, today are "epidemic".
"This is just what we work on in
therapy
", he explains to me, "because it is not easy to know how each of us should manage stress and anxiety at work.
To begin with, because for each one the way in which each one perceives and deals with it is different.
It is necessary to know well
how each person lives and manages it,
so that based on this analysis we can put into practice different ways of managing that anxiety and work stress ".
The first on the forehead (it's a saying).
In other words, you have to
go to the psychologist
to solve the problem... Okay, but let's imagine that we don't have the time, or the salary, to go to the psychologist.
Or that we need some
emergency guidelines
because they have given us an appointment on November 2 and we are in June and full of doubts.
To begin with, because we don't even know if taking work problems home with us won't be so bad.
Because, in theory, the
couple
is also there for that, so that we can let off
steam with them...
or not?
Letting off steam is just a Band-Aid
"Well... the question is: what do you want to do?" Elena Olaiz questions us.
"If what you are looking for is not to take your problems home and disconnect,
venting
frequently with your partner would only
make the problem worse
and increase your
discomfort
. Depending on what your goal is, you will have to do one thing or another. If what you want is let off steam, go ahead. But if you are looking to
solve your
work problems, you will have to
talk
about them with a person who can help you find the right
strategies
to reach real solutions. This is how
problems can disappear.
Because no matter how much we let off steam, the problems don't change". The couple, adds the psychologist, "is there to listen to us, support us, guide us and help us, but if they don't know, they won't be able to help us solve our problem either".
In the end, what Elena Olaiz is proposing to us, before anything else, is
that we listen to ourselves.
Indeed, many of the
solutions
to our problems are
within us, we
just don't know how to find them, isolate them from the whirlwind of ideas and emotions in which conflicting situations that cannot be easily resolved place us.
"That's what we
work on in session,
finding the right way for you, so that you feel better about yourself doing what you need to achieve your goal," says the expert.
For example, explains the psychologist, "when you have pain and continually talk about it, think about it, your
life revolves around pain.
It is then that, instead of getting out of that hole we are in, more and more and we get deeper into it. Does talking lead you to solve, to change? Do it more! But if it only makes your problem worse and you feel that you are increasingly incapable of solving your problem yourself, I invite you to stop talk and ask
for psychological help".
Put words to what happens, a basic
One of the
important tools
to deal with
anger
or
frustration
, explains the psychologist, is to channel it "through expression. But for it to become a resource for the person, it must be done
in writing.
The things that have frustrated us or angry at work we will have to let
go
(let off steam) on paper. Because paper can handle everything. What is written, whether it is done assertively or not, is done
without harming
anyone. And your
mental
and
emotional
well-being will tell you Once that's done you can focus on getting on with your day and give yourself some fun, enjoyment or some time for yourself, daily."
Regarding the
role of the couple and the family,
the psychologist invites you to talk to them "about things that are not worries or problems."
Although it sounds strange, Olaiz adds, we should spend a maximum of 15 minutes a day
talking about our problems
"because if not, there will be no end and it can eventually become a
conflict for the couple."
Also
mental spaces,
she adds, "you have to create them. And, like habits, with effort and discipline."
Work problems + problems at home, what to do?
And what happens, I ask him, when
we add a good dose of
domestic stress to
work
stress, for example that added by babies, adolescents, pets or personal problems of any kind?
What do we do with it?
How do we create a 'safe zone'?
"Rather than a safe zone, I would say that we should allow ourselves
different spaces,"
says Olaiz.
"Just as we organize our day with chores and routines, emotions must also have their space in our day, because even if we don't give it to them, we are still going to feel them, but suffering from them. If what we are talking about is
healthy habits
that help us
protect from stress,
the
fundamental guideline
would be to
establish realistic expectations
on a daily basis and not demand more of what we can truly do.
Because the most likely thing is that you will not achieve it (mainly because the initial premise is wrong if the expectations are not realistic).
Although it must be said that if we have babies the situation can change completely, and many times it will be a 'do what you can'".
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