The nightmare of experiencing anorexia at Christmas told in the first person: "I hid the food in my pockets, which were lined with kitchen paper"

In all the Christmases that I lived with

I had a bad time, because even in the one that I ate the least (which was almost nothing) I considered that I had turned

(figurative name), from Madrid, 28 years old,

begins her story

graphic designer, when I ask her to look back on her Christmas 'journey' during the years she suffered from first

and then

less than a decade ago, her account is so chilling that we allow ourselves the license to let her speak without interruptions, before the expert psychiatrist

helps us understand the people who are going through this ordeal.

"Last Christmas was different,

because I had lost the control that I had achieved so strictly over my body and began to binge eat that made me suffer a lot (I would have liked to vomit, but it turns out fatally and I also hate vomiting, it's disgusting). I remember it with

, the

for having lost my way, for not being able to contain myself, going to the kitchen at any time of the day, opening the fridge and eating everything that was inside. Missing... yes,

, the moment before, when he was in charge, in

Because there is one thing that those of you who have never had anorexia cannot understand: managing

for us.

In other words, being in front of a table full of food, appetizing dishes, things that we used to like, as happens at Christmas, is a

because no matter how much our stomachs have closed, we are hungry.

But above that 'test' is the

Fortunately, in the worst of my anorexia almost what helped me most to achieve my goals was

.

I had so little energy that I immediately

my eyes would close wherever I was.

In any case, I have been

in one thing.

No one has come to pressure me for food or mess with my body... Maybe, because at Christmas everyone tends to ignore you, they're on their own.

They eat, have fun and do not control you.

"Eat, you're very skinny"

I wish it were always like this.

Because in other situations it can happen to you that a

comes to you with things like "you don't eat anything", or worse: "Eat, you're very skinny".

Has anyone ever been helped by a

like that?

Let's see, to the people who make them: do you seriously think that comment is going to make me feel better?

Or that thanks to him I have an epiphany thanks to which I start to look skinny and eat more to fix it?

Is it that you yourselves would change your way of being or eating or living for a comment of that type, a comment that goes nowhere?

So stop doing it, please.

In my case, as I say,

The people I've been with during my anorexia had a lot of

.

They were embarrassed to see me like this and they would shut up, and they would worry if I would binge.

I spent a New Year's Eve with my best friend and her mother.

It is difficult to explain the

that are mixed in you at a

dinner .

Surrounded by rich food and people focused on eating.

I'm terrified of being

and terrified

, or someone seeing what's happening to me, and I'd like to run out of here but I can't, or yelling at everyone 'leave me alone!', but I can't either.

It is a

Conjurer's Tricks

Although it is true that when you get the hang of the matter you also learn to

To put food on your plate and move it infinitely with the fork,

into a thousand fractions while you pretend to chew... Or better:

in a moment of general distraction on the napkin.

I have been a napkin teacher.

I put on a towel or a sweatshirt with

large

to put the food in.

Or even a tiny bag under the napkin...

He also used

just like before any party or situation where you assumed there was going to be 'dirty' food.

He always

He ate low-fat fresh cheese before dinner, for example.

He also prepared jokers for me.

Cans of tuna without oil that I

to appease my hunger while the others ate dinner.

The day after, the worst

Although if Christmas Eve or New Year's Eve were bad, the

was always

Because, as I said before, whatever you ate, it always seemed to you that you had

(for me, everything that was outside the vegetable world of 20 K/100 g was eating too much) and you tried to compensate by not eating anything at all or doing lots of exercise.

I measure 1.73 and at that time I weighed about 45 kilos.

I got out of my anorexia with

help and with the

You are wrong (also) if you think that when I left that mental place I began to see myself, my body, from another perspective.

It took me years to start liking myself the way I am.

I still see photos from that time and think that I loved being like this, even if it was never enough.

You could always try to be thinner.

But I managed to get out of that dark zone and start to focus on my health (I had even lost my period) and learn to eat without guilt.

Although sometimes still... But this Christmas I'm going to eat whatever I feel like yes or yes.

What happens is that I have learned to

and appreciate that for a hamburger one day or a copious dinner nothing will happen.

Also, at Christmas, if you don't swell up nougat or eat 2 kg of food, almost all the dishes are quite 'healthy' and protein-rich, at least in my family.

Prawns, bouillon, a meat dish and stuffed eggs as the most 'criminal'...".

The expert speaks, Marina Díaz Marsá

Head of the ED Unit at the Hospital Clínico San Carlos, medical director at Blue Healthcare and president of the Madrid Psychiatric Society, Marina Díaz Marsá is one of the leading Spanish experts in this type of disorder.

We went to her to understand, above all, how the relatives of a person with anorexia or bulimia should deal with the transit of Christmas.

Is Christmas a hard time for people with eating disorders? Christmas is a particularly difficult time for people with eating disorders and their families, as meals and celebrations become a central activity on these days.

People with ED have

anxiety about eating

and anxiety about

who are not from their

closest

In addition, the food is more abundant and sweets and other foods with which they have special difficulty are incorporated.

On the other hand, Christmas seems to imply emotional well-being and peace and they have an

that they try to face with the

of food.

When comparing themselves with other people and with this supposed well-being that is associated with Christmas

and

, thus increasing their discomfort and establishing a vicious circle. Does a person with anorexia suffer from a Christmas Eve dinner?

Or are we the relatives who suffer? Both suffer, the people with anorexia because of everything that has been said and the relatives because of the fear that the patients will not know how to deal with family meals and because of fear of the comments, sometimes unfortunate but not malicious, of the people you celebrate with. Is it even worse for bulimic people or those with binge eating disorder? It's a bad situation for both people with

as for people with bulimia or binge eating disorder.

The former face

and the latter are exposed to triggering factors that can precipitate their binges as there is more food available. In general terms, how can we help family members? Family members should talk to these people about the situations in which they they are going to face each other: when and with whom they are going to eat.

People with ED should not be involved in meal preparation, a

should be prepared and avoid leaving too much food available in the environment.

Family members should also be asked to

and the intake of the person with this disorder.

And what is most important: to emphasize that these holidays are not just about food and that

on the importance of

and friends, on giving thanks and on having life experiences that become part of our memory. emotional from

,

and

of the difficulties that a person with ED has: emotional, interpersonal relationship and self-direction.

According to the criteria of The Trust Project

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