The film "The Children of Others", released in theaters on September 21, deals with the relationship of a mother-in-law with the daughter of her new husband.
On this occasion, the readers of "20 Minutes" who have experienced a similar situation share their feelings, their experiences.
“Step-parenting” relationships are made up of ups and downs, and you often have to find your place in the shadow of the child's biological parents.
Béatrice Copper-Royer, clinical psychologist specializing in childhood and adolescence, highlights the importance of dialogue between adults.
“Even without the same blood, we will love each other.
“In 2020, the singer Vianney approached his situation as a step-dad in music in an eponymous piece.
The same year, in France, nearly one in ten families was said to be “blended”, according to a study by INSEE.
In other words, at least one of the couple's children was from a previous union.
But the phenomenon is not new and is discussed on screen.
Very recently, Virginie Efira took on the role of touching mother-in-law in
The Children of Others
, by Rebecca Zlotowski.
On the occasion of its theatrical release on September 21, we asked our readers to share their own experience of being a "step-parent" within a blended family.
“We learn motherhood in a hurry”
First observation for some of our readers: being a step-parent is not the same thing as being a parent;
especially when you have never had children yourself.
Béatrice Copper-Royer, clinical psychologist and author of
And the blended family?
Not easy, but possible!
(Solar, 2019), pronounces a warning in this sense: “When we recompose a family, the children come out of a separation and are more or less shaken.
Do not idealize the new relationship and know how to take your time.
»
"Becoming a mother-in-law before being a mother is not easy on a daily basis," says Marie-Victoria, 29.
We learn motherhood in a hurry.
“An observation shared by Estelle, for whom” the role of mother-in-law remains complex “.
“I discovered this aspect when I myself am not a mother,” she confides.
Quoting the film
Other People's Children
, this 26-year-old young woman recounts the small gestures that she was able to put in place on a daily basis with her eight-year-old daughter-in-law: "In [the film], the little girl asks to make the ''sandwich'', with us, it's the hot dog.
“More broadly, she explains having had to adapt, find her place, remember favorite meals, the names of friends and girlfriends…” I did not have the time as is the case when you give birth to a child , further details Estelle.
I had to quickly integrate what a five-year-old child is capable of doing or not doing on a daily basis.
»
Conflicts with children or ex-spouses
However, this learning of parenthood does not only have advantages.
"I don't want children, but here with my daughter-in-law, I'm going through everything I didn't want to go through," says Sara, 38.
Worse, she “advises against this situation to anyone.
“Being a stepfather for almost 10 years is not the fantasized thing that you can hear in Vianney's songs or see in the movies, David replies.
Every step forward in our relationship can be wiped out in no time by ten steps back.
And, it is not uncommon for conflicts to arise with children.
This is what Marie, mother-in-law of two children aged 4 and 9, says: "I was able to forge a very great and beautiful relationship with the little one, while the big one, I had a lot of trouble creating. a strong bond, to the great detriment of my partner who constantly reproaches me for it.
»
Béatrice Copper-Royer gives some advice to make the relationship go as smoothly as possible.
“You have to talk a lot about it on the mountain between adults,” she explains.
Then, we can put things flat: there is no obligation of love, but an obligation of respect, since we live under the same roof.
»
Numerous testimonies also recount in detail the sometimes complex procedures put in place for joint custody, or to mediate between the new family and the ex-spouse.
Sabrina, 37, says for example that the mother of her two stepchildren took "this new life" very badly.
“Nell, 6, is very aware of the situation and knows my place perfectly and we have a very close relationship, she says.
With Olin, 10 years old, it is more difficult, because I have the impression that if he allows himself to love me, he has the impression of cheating on his mother.
Despite this, my first name resounds all day long in their mouths and they need my attention.
And I love them like my own children!
»
The shadow of the parent often hovers in the relationships of a blended family, confirms Béatrice Copper-Royer.
"The situation after a breakup is not necessarily symmetrical," says the psychologist.
Children may feel in a conflict of loyalties.
She recommends being careful during introductions, and not wanting to go too fast, for example by going on vacation from the first meetings between in-laws and children.
A relationship that can last
Fortunately, all is not gray.
Many readers also report very healthy and positive relationships with their stepchildren.
“My four sons-in-law don't call me father-in-law, but 'pretty daddy' and present me as such to their friends, says Dominique, for example.
They know they can count on me.
All adults now, I love them as much as the ''tough'' teenagers they were.
This is also what Alexandra, 40, who says she is “inseparable” with her stepdaughter whom she knew at two years old, is also experiencing.
“We form a triangular parental relationship where everyone has their place and their role, without the role of their mother being compromised by my role as mother-in-law”, she also reassures.
Finally, some testimonies also wonder about the aftermath: how will this relationship last?
“Every year I make a photo album of our moments with my daughter-in-law.
I thought I was doing it for her, but I think I'm doing it mostly for myself, resumes Estelle.
I'm afraid she'll forget me one day.
I'm afraid of what would happen if I separated from my partner.
This risk unfortunately exists.
“After a second separation, for the most part, there is a loss of contact, unless you have known very young children, details Béatrice Copper-Royer.
Children get over it and remain more attached to their biological parent.
»
Despite everything, it remains possible to maintain a good relationship with your stepchildren after a new separation, as Camille relates: “The links with my stepchildren have not changed.
They remain protective of their stepsister and still consider me their mother-in-law.
Whether for congratulations and admonitions.
»
Movie theater
"The Children of Others": Rebecca Zlotowski plunges Virginie Efira into the throes of motherhood
Company
One in ten children lived in a blended family in France in 2011
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Family
Child
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