The 51-year-old Jin Xiaoyu first used a smartphone earlier this year, the one his mother used before her death.
In addition to his mother's old friends in the address book, he began to have his own contacts - classmates, teachers, translators and reporters.
Last winter, his father Jin Xingyong made the phone call to the local media in Hangzhou at the funeral home, and these connections happened, "Can you write my son's story? My son is a genius. He is now in a mental hospital, and his mother just passed away today. ."
The son Jin Xiaoyu he said was a bipolar patient and a translator.
During the time when the disease did not invade, Jin Xiaoyu stayed in a room of 20 square meters, taught himself English, Japanese and German, and translated 22 books, but few people knew it.
Since his high school diagnosis, his father Jin Xingyong's life trajectory has also changed, and caring for his sick son has become the most important thing.
The media therefore paid attention to the father and son.
A few months later, the father and son ushered in the long-lost good news-Jin Xiaoyu was invited to join the Provincial Translators Association; a publishing house came to him and gave him a pay increase; and his blind right eye was healed.
But when others gradually left, the life of father and son returned to silence.
A sense of crisis has always loomed over them.
Every day, Jin Xiaoyu desperately rushes for time to translate; while Jin Xingyong takes care of his son tremblingly, and is even more worried that he will have nothing to support him in the future.
silent home
In Jin Xiaoyu's house, the most obvious and most easily overlooked is a special silence.
Since July, Hangzhou has issued high temperature warnings one after another. The weather is hot and dry, and the cicadas outside the house are buzzing and making noises. However, the father and son at the dinner table are very quiet, only the ceiling fans above their heads are creaking.
Jin Xiaoyu first broke the silence: "Almost every shrimp today is alive." He lowered his head and said while eating.
Almost every meal of the family has shrimp, as well as cucumber, tomato and egg soup, because Jin Xiaoyu loves it.
The father peeled the shrimp without looking at his son: "Yes. How much is a pound?"
"twenty three."
"Can."
At the beginning of lunch every day, Jin Xiaoyu would talk about the vegetables he bought in the morning, which was a rare conversation between them during the day.
His father didn't know what Bai Jin Xiaoyu was thinking about asking about the price of vegetables - he was worried that he would not be able to translate and take care of himself after his parents were gone, so he started training his ability to live independently two or three years ago.
However, the father thought that his son was bored and asked, and answered simply.
It's not surprising that Jin Xiaoyu's emotions are invisible and often ignored.
He suffered from bipolar disorder in high school, took sedatives all year round, and had an emotionless face.
Even with sweat dripping down his face, he complained that it was "too hot" and just frowned.
He seldom smiled, the corners of his mouth raised when he laughed, but he quickly retracted it in three seconds.
However, the policeman who had the most contact with him on weekdays reminded me that it is a good thing for Jin Xiaoyu to have a dull expression.
For nearly 30 years, he was "raised at home", rarely had contact with outsiders, stuttered when he spoke, kept rubbing his hands, and could only relax when facing his father.
Father Jin Xingyong, 87 years old, happened to be three rounds older than his son.
He has a pair of long-lived eyebrows, and he smiles very kindly. He is talkative, but he can't talk to his son.
Father and son depend on each other, but they are alone.
When you walk into the old house on the ground floor where they live, you will first pass through a small balcony facing south. The sewing machine of the mother, Cao Meizao, was placed here. When she is not sick, the father and son can always see her sitting here making clothes and sewing machines. Step on it with a "da-da-da" sound.
After she passed away at the end of last year, the family fell into complete silence.
Going further inside is a dark and messy living room, which is also Jin Xingyong's bedroom, separated from his son's room by only one wall.
The life of a father revolves around his son.
It was in the small summer heat, it was early, and it was after five o'clock. Although Jin Xingyong was still lying on the bed, his ears were able to discern the movement in his son's house. At first, the iron frame made a creaking sound, and he should have turned over and got up. It was a "beep", and the air conditioner should have been turned off; after that, the stool was bumped and there was a light in the room, so he undoubtedly walked out of the door and into the kitchen.
Since his mother was sick and bedridden, Jin Xiaoyu took the initiative to undertake some housework, getting up early to boil water and prepare breakfast.
When everything was ready, he pulled up his stool to sit down to eat, and his father got up and followed.
At around 7:00, Jin Xiaoyu went out for a walk, exercise, and grocery shopping. After returning home an hour later, he finished the shrimp, and then he went into the house and began to devote himself to translating.
Unless there are special circumstances, he will not leave the house for the rest of the day.
Lunch was my father's job.
Usually at 9:30, Jin Xingyong dragged his strenuous steps into the kitchen, not knowing what was wrong with his body, his feet were swollen badly.
On this day, he was going to add pig trotters to the plate to steam, but the chopsticks accidentally fell to the ground. He lowered his body, looked at the chopsticks, hesitated for a few seconds, then slowly bent down and picked it up.
For an old man of this age, cooking is already a tiring job.
Usually, if Jin Xiaoyu is hospitalized, he will go to the community cafeteria to make a lunch box for a day, but as long as his son is at home, he will definitely cook.
Afraid of cooking late, my son's lunch break will also be delayed.
Father didn't sit on the sofa and take a sip of water until the meal was cooked and kept warm in the pot.
When he heard the sound of his son opening the door, he walked over to serve meals and dishes.
After lunch, Jin Xiaoyu would continue to translate behind closed doors, and occasionally the voice of him reading a foreign language could be heard.
Across a wall, my father sat on the sofa, reading literature, newspapers, and writing. When he was tired, he sat and napped.
Two sympathies, one fatherly love
Jin Xingyong once wrote a paragraph in a notebook and named it "Father and Son": the joy of father and son together combines the most selfless love and trustful friendship.
It is not without sadness that we find that the period before our son becomes an adult may also be the most intimate time in the lives of these two men.
But Jin Xiaoyu said that the change in his personality may have started from the eye injury.
That year, Jin Xiaoyu was 6 years old, his brother Jin Xiaotian was 9 years old, his parents were engineers, and the family of four lived in the family compound in Tianjin.
That day, after the parents went to work, Jin Xiaoyu and his brother went to the neighbor's house to play.
While he was reading the villain's book, the neighbor kid held an air gun, and a pencil flew out of the air gun, hitting him in the right eye.
The next day, after the lens removal surgery, the eyes were no longer visible.
After Jin Xiaoyu was injured in one eye, the family's life seemed peaceful, but there were ups and downs under the water.
Jin Xiaoyu said that since then, his mother often said that his eyes were not good, that he could not study science, and that he could not see through a microscope, so he talked and made trouble in mathematics class.
Later, he would steal cards from his classmates' drawers and gradually become tired of studying.
In order for him to go to school well, in six years, his mother changed schools for him three times, but when he reached the sixth grade, the weariness of school became serious.
In 1984, after Jin Xiaoyu graduated from primary school, Jin Xingyong, who had lived in Tianjin for 22 years, was determined to leave with his family and live in Hangzhou, because "he was sad and his eyes were lost in Tianjin".
In Jin Xiaoyu's impression, he changed to a new environment and his studies were very good, but he began to get tired of school and skip classes in the third year of junior high school. Attend class.
In high school, Jin Xingyong found that his son's temper became "weird" and would throw things when he was angry.
Jin Xingyong took his son to the hospital for an examination, and was diagnosed with bipolar disorder (also known as bipolar disorder). He still remembers the doctor's words: this disease comes and goes quickly, and it is likely to recur after being cured.
Since then, Jin Xiaoyu has been hospitalized at least two or three times a year. At that time, there was no medical insurance, and each hospitalization cost 10,000 yuan for one or two months.
The family began to worry about money.
Coincidentally, in the second year, Jin Xingyong was sent to Thailand as the deputy director of the Pediatric Medicine Department. He cherished this opportunity, and his wife encouraged him to go because he could get two wages at home and abroad.
It was during the two years that he went abroad that his son's mentality of studying appeared repeatedly.
In 1990, Jin Xiaoyu gave up taking the college entrance examination.
Not long after, I wanted to continue my studies again. After a year of re-study, I was admitted to the Department of Foreign Languages of Hangzhou University. However, due to the absence of classes in the file, I was not admitted and transferred to Zhejiang Shuren College to study international trade.
Just half a semester in, he didn't adapt to the school environment. He had a seizure. After getting drunk, he ran to the school teacher's car and jumped around. He was sent to the hospital, and soon dropped out of school at home.
In a foreign country, Jin Xingyong remembers Jin Xiaoyu the most, for which he once mailed a postcard to encourage his son to "work hard":
Remember my words and go to struggle... The world is as short as a spring dream, the relationship between father and son is like silk, never care about hard work, and everything is entrusted to the son's life.
I am fortunate to meet my second son and the first one, and every time I have a turning point, the family will get together again in the coming year, and the happiness of the family has been fixed.
"I didn't feel anything," Jin Xiaoyu recalled, "I just put it aside after watching it."
At this time, the eldest son Jin Xiaotian had just graduated from the Mathematics Department of Fudan University and was admitted to a bank job, so his parents basically did not need to worry about it.
Jin Xiaoyu said to his father, you love your brother and sympathize with me.
Jin Xingyong was sad when he heard this, he told Jin Xiaoyu, "Because your eyes are not very good, I sympathize with you. If you are sick, I also sympathize with you. But you are my son, and I love you too. The two together are more than my brother. ."
Slowly, Jin Xingyong found that his relationship with his son had changed. "If he is not obedient at all, he will do whatever I tell him to do before he is diagnosed."
What's even more puzzling is that the son became less talkative, and his smile became less and less. When he lost his temper, he smashed the refrigerator and TV, and kicked the door out of the hole.
"Suicide" and "Retirement"
It's not that Jin Xiaoyu didn't think about suicide.
After he graduated, Cao Meizao enrolled him in the self-taught course of the English Department of Zhejiang University, and later, he entrusted him with a job in a bookstore.
In Jin Xiaoyu's account, those days were tough.
At that time, he had no opinion. He listened to the arrangements of his parents and worked as a counter salesperson. He was responsible for helping customers find books and cashiers. He needed to communicate with people, but his personality was not good at communicating with people.
All the money he earned was handed over to the family, and he began to feel that work was boring.
He felt he couldn't keep working, but his mother found another bookstore job for him.
Jin Xiaoyu recalled, "I don't want to go to work, my mother is determined not to, she has to go out and go to work even if she dies."
That day, Jin Xingyong heard a plop, ran over, and saw his son sitting on the ground, only to realize that his son was going to tie the belt to the window to kill himself. Fortunately, the belt was not fastened and broke.
Previously, when Jin Xingyong was in Thailand, Xiaoyu also committed suicide once, swallowed a large amount of sleeping pills, fell to the ground in discomfort, and was later found by his mother and sent to the hospital for gastric lavage.
Jin Xiaoyu said that after the second suicide, his father decided to "keep him at home", and his mother could not do anything about it. He began to read books and teach himself languages at home.
In order to take care of their son and earn extra money, Jin Xingyong and his wife "retired" from the original unit successively. The advantage of this choice is that they retire early in name, but they can get their wages as usual.
Since then, Cao Meizao went to the stock exchange to trade stocks every day, while Jin Xingyong was hired as an engineer for the development of new drugs in a small factory. The work is flexible and free, and it is convenient to take care of his son.
Zhang Lanfen is a good friend of Cao Meizao. She remembered that Cao was in a bad mood during that time. She had rushed from Suzhou to Hangzhou to visit her, but every time Cao told her, "My youngest son is afraid of meeting strangers."
Every time the two met at the hotel, she rarely visited Cao's house and only saw Jin Xiaoyu's back.
At a similar time, Zhang Lanfen learned from Cao that her eldest son Jin Xiaotian left without saying goodbye and went abroad to Australia without any news.
From the parents' point of view, the broken and unspeakable life is unprecedented freedom for the son Jin Xiaoyu.
"From that point on, I felt a little bit happy in my life," he said. "No one cares about me, I can do whatever I want."
However, this time he faced new pressure.
He doesn't want to be regarded as an "old man". In order to prove that he can support himself, he still pays attention to the job advertisements in the newspaper. He has gone out to look for a job four times, and has been to a printing factory, a web design company, and a travel company. And the question of ability did not remain.
The farthest time, he was out of mental state and went to Hengdian alone to find a job in English. Before that, he heard that his mother's college classmate was in this company. At that time, he could speak both English and Japanese. He passed the interview, but was still rejected by his father. brought home.
During that time, his parents also asked him to translate some papers on medicine and paint. He was very willing to do it, but he had very little work. He could only translate about 10,000 words a year, and he could only earn 600 yuan when he was short. .
At that time, he thought that it would be worthwhile to translate a book in his life.
Translation and Disease
Years later, in Jin Xiaoyu's world, translation has become the most important thing, so computers are one of the things he cherishes the most.
He is frugal. He often does not turn on the air conditioner when he sleeps in the summer, but he is worried that the computer will be too hot to break, so he will turn on the air conditioner every time he translates. He never touches the computer every time he gets sick.
The first book he translated was Boat Fever, an opportunity his mother won for him.
In 2010, Cao Meizao went to Nanjing University to participate in the alumni reunion. An old classmate learned that Jin Xiaoyu had done some translation work and helped him connect with Nanjing University Press.
Soon, the publisher sent a collection of novels.
Jin Xingyong remembered clearly that originally the publishing house only wanted Jin Xiaoyu to try to translate a chapter, but when his son got the book, he closed the door and started translating. He seldom went out except to eat and go to the toilet. It only took two or three months to complete the whole book. Translation, "Basically, you don't need to look up a dictionary to turn it out."
However, after the manuscript was submitted, the book was not published for a long time. Jin Xiaoyu spent a very anxious year, and he fell into the crisis of "incapacity" again.
His father’s diary recorded his state at the time—after he was discharged from the hospital, he didn’t eat two meals in a row, and he refused to take medicine; he stayed up late playing computer games; Everyone slept safe and sound."
Jin Xiaoyu's third translation of "The Business of Hip-Hop" took a long time from completion to publication. At the worst time, he didn't eat for a few days, his gastrointestinal mucosa was damaged, and he even wanted to die.
He also suffers when he encounters books that are difficult to translate.
So far, the book he finds the most difficult to translate is The Good Soldier.
This is the representative work written by the British writer Ford at the beginning of the twentieth century. He just read the second paragraph when he fell into the maze of unfamiliar words.
So, he decided to pick out the words one by one, but he was hospitalized before the words were copied.
He couldn't grasp the regularity of disease occurrence, so there were no weekends or holidays in his translation schedule. He "played his life" to translate until he was exhausted physically and mentally and was hospitalized, so he completely stopped translating.
This made him feel relaxed. "Being in the hospital is equal to rest."
In contrast, for simple books, he translates them in a month or two, but as soon as they are handed over, he will immediately devote himself to the next book, leaving no rest time to prevent physical problems.
If he can't wait for a new book, he learns a new foreign language.
Bipolar disorder is fierce and can deprive him of his normal life at any time.
Jin Xiaoyu has always walked on thin ice, "In the process of translation, I pray for simplicity; in the process of proofreading, I pray for smoothness; if I don't translate, I pray for peace in learning."
This point, in Jin Xingyong's memory, also formed a rule. When his son finished translating the book at hand and couldn't pick up the next book, he was prone to illness.
Translation became the fulcrum of the order of his life.
However, Jin Xiaoyu's own explanation is "diddy days", and he plans to translate one book a year from birth to death.
Although he was middle-aged when he started translating, he thinks that he can still catch up with two or three books a year.
When I was 60 years old, my eyes were dying, and I slowed down to one book a year.
Crisis and Trek
The more pressing crisis is that Jin Xiaoyu is worried that if his parents are not in good health, no one will take care of him, his life will not be guaranteed, and he will not be able to continue translating.
Therefore, he was even more anxious to catch up.
Since his mother fell ill in 2018, Jin Xiaoyu's sense of crisis has become stronger.
Before that, Cao Meizao had a heart bypass operation, and was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease.
He started shopping, washing dishes, and doing the duty of a son.
But it's not just about taking care of the mother, but also about developing the ability to live independently.
In order to keep the three meals regular, he recorded what he ate in the calendar every day for six years, "to prevent me from being left alone by then."
Many of Jin Xiaoyu's translations are in cooperation with the publisher Yang Quanqiang.
In Yang Quanqiang's eyes, Jin Xiaoyu's submission speed is very fast. "In the publishing industry, most of the people who encounter delays in manuscripts. He always submits manuscripts in advance, faster than other translators."
As a senior publisher, Yang Quanqiang had an expectation more than ten years ago, that is, to translate Ben Yaming's collection of works "Arcade Project".
He introduced that the book involves German, French, and English multi-language and knowledge background. The English version has 900 pages, which is very large and difficult.
He handed over the translation of the book to Jin Xiaoyu, "First of all, the quality is guaranteed, and secondly, the time is guaranteed. It may take five years to find someone else, and Xiaoyu may be able to come up with the first draft within two years."
In Jin Xiaoyu's view, the joy of translation lies in gaining new knowledge through reading.
It is rare for a father to witness a happy moment for his son.
While translating "Dog Son-in-law Comes to the Door", he heard his son laughing "haha" in the room in the kitchen.
In this family, laughter is a scarce commodity.
When his son came out of the room, he asked to know that his son had just watched a sumo match.
Jin Xingyong also noticed that his son was particularly concerned about the feedback from the world. He would tell his father when his translations were put on the shelves in the library; he also told his father when the online translations were rated high.
What impressed Jin Xingyong the most was the book "Andrei Tarkovsky: The Elements of Film". A reader originally thought that Jin Xiaoyu's translation was wrong, and then bought the original book for comparison, and found that Jin Xiaoyu's translation was better than the original. Okay, corrected the evaluation, "feel like he's happy."
Yang Quanqiang commented on Jin Xiaoyu's translation level, "Some translations take me 10 times as long to process, but there is no problem with normal editing and editing of his translations. He is a more professional translator."
But Jin Xiaoyu admits that being able to produce so many books is due to luck. "The translation fee is not high, and you can't evaluate professional titles. Others don't want to do this. In fact, many books are unwilling to translate."
In addition to translating medical and chemical materials in his early years, Jin Xiaoyu never let his father participate in the editing and proofreading of translation manuscripts.
This is the only freedom Jin Xiaoyu can control.
In the past life, his parents "arranged and replaced" his life, full of constraints: his father was angry because he skipped class and played Go, and tore up his beloved Go book; his mother transferred him to another school three times on her own initiative, and was afraid that he would go out and be naughty before transferring. , locked him at home.
The father is now more like his son's assistant, helping to run the postal service to receive foreign language samples, translate and print samples, and send sample books.
For nearly ten years, Jin Xingyong pretended to be his son to connect with the editor of the publishing house.
Yang Quanqiang sometimes couldn't tell who was talking to him, "They are two in one, whoever contacts me is the same, it's all about the communication of manuscripts."
Now, the book Jin Xiaoyu is translating talks about the history and archaeology of Peru.
He said that if there is a chance, he would like to travel to South America.
But on second thought, he felt that it was not feasible. "It's all whimsical now." Because when he went out and was tired, he couldn't concentrate and easily fell ill, so he could only stay in a room of 20 square meters.
Divide and connect
During the first few days of the interview, I was a little nervous.
The father and son rarely talk, but they are easy to "fire".
Facing his son, the father is always cautious.
During dinner, Jin Xiaoyu saw an extra pair of chopsticks on the table and asked angrily, "What the hell are you trying to do?"
One dinner, Jin Xingyong got up to prepare egg fried rice.
Jin Xiaoyu was asking questions, and he knew his son was not happy as soon as he heard it, he promised not to fry rice, turned around and went into the kitchen, but still picked up the pot.
"Don't follow me, okay?" my father pleaded.
"Are you still insisting on scrambled eggs (rice)?"
Father turned around, couldn't bear his temper, and asked, "Let me be a little free, okay?"
In the end, my father gave up his favorite egg fried rice.
In this family, one can often witness the helplessness of a father taking care of his son.
The situation is sometimes more serious.
A long time ago, Jin Xiaoyu had a disease attack and picked up dichlorvos and sprayed his father.
He had no choice but to stand and let his son spray, and when his son finished spraying, he went to take a bath.
"I'm his father and a punching bag," Jin Xingyong would not be right or wrong every time his son got angry, "he's happy, I'm happy right away."
He knows best in his heart that his son's illness requires peace of mind.
So he reminded himself: don't murder him, don't scold him, and don't beat him.
But this is only one kind of conflict. Sometimes you can see Jin Xiaoyu's helplessness and helplessness when arguing with his father.
In the early morning of July 16, Jin Xingyong did not eat breakfast and was about to go out for a medical examination, but Jin Xiaoyu found out that his father had sold his old books and became angry with his father.
He put a box of old items on the balcony outside the door and deliberately asked his father, "Why are you throwing it here? These things are useless to me, and I don't need all the messy air heaters."
Jin Xingyong leaned on crutches and stood in front of the door: "What do you want me to do?"
"Where's my stuff?" Jin Xiaoyu asked.
Jin Xingyong locked the door and prepared to go to the place for the medical examination.
Jin Xiaoyu on the side did not mean to give in, he followed his father closely, as if he had to ask for an explanation, and threatened to open the door with a broken voice: "I don't care if I lose the things, I will tear up all the money in the house for you. ."
"This is not the words of a normal person." Father said harshly.
"You're normal," Jin Xiaoyu became even more angry, "You took all my stuff away."
The two were deadlocked for about twenty minutes, Jin Xingyong couldn't stand, and sat down on the chair in the pavilion, Jin Xiaoyu suddenly walked away.
After that, Jin Xingyong was worried that his son was going to get sick and contacted the police at the police station.
He packed up the hospital toiletries for his son, and sat for a while with a solemn expression.
When the time for the medical examination was almost over, he got up and went out again.
When he was about to arrive at the medical examination center, Jin Xiaoyu suddenly appeared by his father's side. He seemed to have recovered. He supported his father and helped him find the department and get breakfast...
But when he returned home after the physical examination, he saw his father's luggage on the chair and became angry again, and started to call 120, saying that his father was going to send him to a mental hospital.
Half an hour later, the police and community workers took him to the hospital.
After about two hours, Jin Xiaoyu called his father to say that he had calmed down and was taken home again.
Zhang Jian is the policeman who sent Jin Xiaoyu the most to the doctor.
He said that father and son often had conflicts over trivial matters, and sometimes Jin Xiaoyu fell ill because of quarrels with his father.
两天后，我和金晓宇聊起之前的冲突，问他为什么生气？他解释，卖掉的旧书有他高中的围棋书，还有自考的书，他很珍惜，“我这辈子就看了这么点书，他还给我都处理光了......”
金晓宇很无奈自己总是控制不了脾气，他猜测，有可能是遗传的缘故，也有可能是习惯。他想起以前父亲也会在家里发火，无缘无故打骂他。最深的创伤记忆是，上小学一二级，父亲教他写“多”字，他怎么也无法使这个字叠立起来。结果啪的一声，父亲一个巴掌下来，他的门牙被打掉了。
至于，两天前和父亲吵架时，他突然跑开，是担心自己会伤害到父亲。由于同样的原因，最近两三年，金晓宇都主动打电话给120送诊。这次到了医院又很快回来，因为他想到之前住院出来，母亲已经离开，他害怕再也见不到父亲，又赶紧出来了。
金性勇说，儿子生病之前，他脾气不好，有家长的威严，孩子必须听自己，不听不高兴。但儿子生病后，他意识到无法改变孩子的脾气，只能先改变自己，“他是父亲，我是儿子，这样的话还是不行。”
在张健眼里，金性勇溺爱儿子，有时候金晓宇犯病了也不告诉民警。最艰难的时候，金性勇一边照顾瘫在床上的妻子，一边照顾发病的儿子，但是他仍舍不得把儿子送医院吃苦。每次金性勇都对张健说，“我们可以照顾他，我们三个要在一起”。
相似的话，金晓宇在写母亲的回忆录里有过表达，“母亲、父亲和我三个人，三位一体”。
我问他，是什么力量连结了你们三个人？
“互相需要吧。”
金晓宇说，本来人是一个完整的木桶，但他只有一块长板，那就是缩在家里拼命学习，这块板发挥作用全靠爸妈——如果不是父母围了起来，木桶里的水一点也积不起来。
最后的棋
媒体报道前，周围少有人知道金晓宇在家里翻译。对门邻居阿龙说，这个家庭“无声无息”的，出门比较少打招呼，只有金晓宇发病送医院才会有动静。去年11月，他意外发现平常关着的前门摆放了一个花圈，才知道曹美藻过世了。
金性勇说，妻子走后，他虽然心痛，但感觉松了一口气，妻子走在他前面，不用担心麻烦儿子照顾了。不好的一点是，之前两个人分别有一个月五千元的退休工资，现在妻子的这部分没有了，给儿子留的钱也少了。
今年1月底，金性勇签署了遗体捐赠协议，他不想自己走后，在后事处理上给儿子带来麻烦，“他一个人，人家来帮我收，我到了那边，衣服也不要换了，拿走就行。”
我问，晓宇知道吗，他是怎么想的？
“晓宇以后会知道，我走了以后他会知道，”金性勇重复说，“我和他商量过，他不让我这么做，我说我决定了。他一般的话尊重我的意见。”
作为一个父亲，最早金性勇帮助儿子翻译，只想让他“有饭吃”。现在他最大的担忧是，自己走后，儿子住在哪里？发病的时候，谁送医院？出院的时候，谁去接？
自从儿子确诊的三十年来，每次发病，都是金性勇送去医院，再接回家。在医院里，儿子每星期都会来一个电话，“爸爸，你什么时候来接我？”他心疼儿子。
在父亲的心里，不管是医院还是残疾人抚养中心，和家都是两回事。他不想让儿子住在外面。所以，他最后还有一个心愿，希望有人在生活上照顾儿子，在他休息的时候，帮忙做些事情，为儿子留时间做翻译。
这几个月里，金晓宇收到了两封情书，一封寄自离异单身妈妈；另一封是一位父亲为患有癫痫的女儿写的。金晓宇尝试与对方联系过，前者说自己表白是个误会，后者因为两人都不主动，断了联系。
对他来说，现在找对象考虑的不再是爱情的问题，而是照护的问题，“不要把我的房子和钱卷走了......以后再离婚的话就麻烦了”。
他很少有过情愫萌动的时刻。最早有关爱情的记忆是幼儿园同学，那会两家妈妈打趣说，等长大了两人成亲。再后来，就是肄业之后在书店工作，一个店员漂亮能干，他心动了，但是觉得自己“配不上”，不敢主动。之后的那些年，母亲劝诫，要先立业再成家，他再也没动过心思。
等到40岁，金晓宇翻译完10本书，父母给他安排第一次相亲。对方离异，和他同岁。来过家里一次，拿走两本译著，后来再没联系。
Jin Xiaoyu thinks that he has no experience in talking about relationships, and he doesn't know who to trust, as long as he is reliable, "I can make do with it anyway."
If he can't wait for his son to get married, Jin Xingyong can only send his son to the disabled person care center cruelly, "I can't do anything, I only thought of this move when I walked."
(The Paper reporter Chen Yuanyuan intern Chen Lei Ding Chaoyi Xue Ke)