PSYCHOLOGY My partner's children: blessing or obstacle?
FAMILIES When everything revolves around the children
You meet a person and everything adds up.
Until he informs you that
he is divorced and has two
children
.
The situation is not easy to handle and everyone warns
you to be aware of what you are getting into
.
As you visualize yourself as Cinderella's stepmother, everything can change.
"I have always been reluctant to have a partner who already had children. I have never liked it and I have even rejected men only when they told me about it. I
did not even give them the opportunity
, "says Sara Ayllón, who now has her first partner with a six year old girl.
"We have been together for two, and from the first time I met her we connected a lot. She
has very much assumed that I am not her mother
and I make it very clear to her that she has to love her very much. The three of us are great despite having I've been so reticent about it."
She has no complaints, but praises, which is why she has banished saying 'I will not drink this water' again.
Laura Sánchez has also decided to live with a boy who has two children, aged 11 and 10.
"My partner, Juan, works and when he is absent he leaves me with them alone and
gives me full authority to tell them what they can and cannot do
. We have developed so much trust that there are things that they tell me before they tell him."
He has not had a major problem, but he does recognize that time has to be distributed.
"He has joint custody and, when the kids are here for a week,
we can have less life as a couple
. It touched me like that and I accepted it because I want to. And I hope it will be my last partner, really."
UNCOMFORTABLE SITUATIONS
Still from 'The Brady Bunch', a sitcom in which two families start a life together.
But not everything is pink.
Verónica Jaramillo finds the experience very negative.
She married a man who had a two-year-old girl.
"She has always been very good, today she is 21. Everything is wonderful with her, but
her relationship with her mother has been hell
, both in communication with my husband and in her attacks."
This woman tells the worst part of the story,
when children are used as a throwing weapon.
"From taking her to Cádiz and not being able to see her until my husband had to charge the balance of the phone to the mother to be able to talk to her. One after another, constant threats not to let him see her and changes in vacations and routine that my husband prevented her from being able to enjoy her daughter normally," she says.
As in all human relationships and principles in any community, especially if there are minors,
common sense must prevail
, warns Ángel Luis Guillén, director of Psicopartner.
"The contact must be little by little and never as substitutes for their parents."
NORMALITY AND AFFECTION
Although you are in front of your better half (or complete orange, "why the hell would someone want half of nothing", we borrow Jesús Terrés),
the "miracle of love" and the well-functioning couple
that get ahead is not always easy and less with other people's children, says Guillén.
First of all, if we come across this situation and decide to go ahead, we must respect the children and "give a sense of normalcy and affection".
"We can
support our partner in the education of their children, always in the line that he wishes
, never in another direction, and from respect and diplomacy."
THEY ALREADY HAVE PARENTS
To gain their trust, it is best to be consistent, proposes the psychologist.
"Everything in excess or by default can be counterproductive," he points out, so we shouldn't be too close 'colleagues' or parents, because they already have them.
"The advice for any relationship to prosper, and this case is no different, is the
generosity to accept the other
with their different
backpacks
and respect for their space."
Both in couples with other people's children and in couples with common children,
a space "only for adults" should be sought
, defends Ángel Luis Guillén.
If the separation is recent, yes, he advises "letting the crisis pass" first.
All ages are associated with different problems.
"Perhaps here we can apply
the cliché of little child
, little problem. Babies and toddlers are busy and dependent and that can be a problem."
As they grow older they are more independent but they
question their parents much more
.
"Their decisions and their way of living, increase the fights... Teenagers are very impertinent and very severe in their judgments, like anyone who has not lived long or been manifestly wrong," warns the psychologist.
In the event that the couple speaks ill of the other parent or there is a bad relationship, as was the case in the testimony of this report, the expert believes that the essential thing is to be able to accompany him, to resonate with him without falling short or going too far.
"
Without being cold and appearing excessively neutral or the opposite
, because we can offend."
And the conversation about
having common children
must take place in a clear way, respecting the will of the other.
For Belén Miralpeix it was the end of the relationship, not in vain.
"He was very clear that two was enough and I wanted to live the experience of being a mother. Neither was willing to give his arm to twist, so why waste time in his thirties," she says.
TIPS FOR DEALING WITH CHILDREN
The possibility that you want to have children again will have to be discussed.Shutterstock
Be patient.
"You must keep in mind that children need their time to build trust. In addition, they are adapting to a situation that, after all, is difficult for them to fit in," explains Laura Bandera Pastor, general health psychologist, member of the Cabinet of Psychology Javier Álvarez Cáceres, member of Top Doctors.
Do not force the situation
.
As much as we want to get closer to your child, this process takes time and we have to adapt to their rhythm, says the expert.
"In fact, forcing closeness or long periods with a child who doesn't trust us yet can be counterproductive."
Earn the child's trust by being yourself
.
"Children are natural by nature and a good way to approach them is by respecting them and showing us as we are."
Go little by little sharing activities
.
"The important thing at the beginning is that they feel comfortable by your side and gain their trust, so starting by taking an interest in activities that they like or in their life can be a good starting point," recommends Bandera Pastor.
Leave decisions regarding discipline in the hands of their parents.
That is their role.
"This is something that is also recommended to discuss with the couple so that later there are no misunderstandings or uncomfortable situations in the presence of children."
It is very important to be understanding with them
.
"Remember, they are children, and it is very common in these types of situations that they get angry or feel that if they approach their father/mother's new partner they are being disloyal to their parent."
Don't take certain inappropriate or unfortunate comments personally.
"They are usually the result of not managing their emotions properly."
Pay attention to it.
"As a couple, especially in the initial period when the children are getting used to the new situation, spend time with him doing something he likes," advises the psychologist.
Understanding and empathy within the couple is essential.
You must bear in mind that it is a difficult situation for both of you, so promoting adequate communication between the two is ideal, advises Laura Bandera.
"Talk about things assertively."
Keep enjoying the relationship
.
Although it is sometimes complicated, it is important not to neglect the couple and continue to share time together.
"There are times for everything. Sometimes it's just enough to take time out of the day to enjoy each other's company. For example, enjoying a glass of wine and a good conversation when the children go to bed."
*The names of the testimonials have been changed to respect the privacy of the people involved.
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