“Do you think you shouldn't put it into words?” Mothers who started talking May 23, 17:28

"I regret becoming a mother"

This word that makes me nervous.

The title of a book written by an Israeli researcher.

Honestly, not everyone finds it easy to read, just because it is a translation of an academic book.

Nevertheless, it became a hot topic on SNS immediately after its release, and has been attracting attention as it was introduced in newspapers and magazines.

This word was also expressed in the book review as "Is it okay to put it into words?"

How do you guys feel?

(Social Department reporter Ayumu Takahashi)

A book that attracts attention

This book, released domestically in March, is an Israeli woman who answered "no" to the question "If I could go back to the past based on my current knowledge and experience, would I choose to be a mother again?" It is composed based on the contents of interviews with 23 people.

Since it was first published in Germany in 2016, it has been published one after another in 13 countries and regions around the world, including Europe, the United States, and Asia.

"I gave up my life for my child"

"I can't get back what I was robbed of by becoming a mother" "

I didn't like it and I didn't like it"

"If I could choose another path, I would do it (

"

I regret becoming a mother" by Shinchosha Orna Donato, translated by Masami Shikata 2022)

And the obi of the book says:

"I love children.

Still, I think of a life that is not my mother. ”

These words from the 23 women have resonated and spread ripples around the world.

Confused and empathy

What are the reactions of people who saw the title of the book for the first time on SNS?

"Is this a good thing to say?"

"You shouldn't think about your child ..."

"Is there really such a person?"

On the other hand, many sympathies for the 23 women are posted.

"Every time I read it back, tears overflow." "It

stings

. Too many words were given to me. " "I

was confronted with what I was trying not to think about."

Masami Ohinata, President of Gakuen University, analyzes the magnitude of the response as follows.

Masami Ohinata, President of Keisen Jogakuin University

"A person who is said to be active as a woman, but continues to take on the weight of her role as a mother, and is inconsistent between becoming a mother and trying to live her own life. Isn't it a sign that there is? "

Thoughts on "regret" in the survey

There is also a questionnaire survey in Japan that shows the existence of women who have felt "regret" as a mother.

This is a survey conducted by a private research institute in 2019 on 413 mothers in Japan via the Internet.

Question "Have you ever wished you hadn't had a child?"

"No" was 59.6%.

"There is only once" was 6.8%.

"There are several times" was 26.6%.

7% said, "There are countless times."

While 60% of mothers never felt "regret", 7% felt "countless".

Riko Murai, an essayist and translator who writes texts about family and parenting.

Mr. Murai, who is also the mother of her twin son who becomes a high school student, also read a book and posted her sympathy on SNS, and retweets and likes spread.

Essayist / Translator Riko Murai

"Many mothers have suffered once, but I think it's a shock and joy that the taboo that was hidden in their hearts came out. I don't know how many times I thought about it. As a human being, it's natural to regret various things, and I shouldn't say it, but I have to hide it. I'm surprised at the people who say, "You knew that." I think that mothers have the image of giving free love to their children even if they abandon themselves. I think this verbalization is a big step. "

The weight of the role of mother

Why do you feel "regret" and why do you feel "taboo"?

She talked to a woman who said she sympathized with the book.

A 36-year-old woman who raises two children who attend elementary school and nursery school.

She works full-time and lives with her husband.

When she finishes her work, she picks her up at the nursery school, prepares meals, and asks her child what happened today.

However, what she told me was a sense of discomfort with the weight of her "her role as her mother."

A woman who read a book (mother of 36 years old and 2 children)

"I thought that the book tells me how heavy the role that a mother is expected to play. I feel relieved to check it again, I feel relieved that my mother must be strong, and I feel guilty about being separated from my child. I am surprised at my growth every day, and I think it is an interesting experience. It's endless and it feels like it's being scraped. When my child was small, I tried to read aloud picture books, baby massage, and "like things" to be a good mother, but it's not fun. I don't think raising children is worth living. It makes me feel uncomfortable when all mothers are in the circle. It doesn't matter when I hear mothers talking to each other, "What do you do with your lessons?" I think it's cold, but I think children have a different personality, so no matter what lessons they learn or what lover they have, I think it's a child's choice. Just a funny person. I don't tell the people around me because I think it is. Children are the ones I want in this world, so I think I will probably give birth even if I can choose again. However, I can say from the bottom of my heart that I was glad I gave birth when I thought about my life. Not a translation. "

Have a child and serve yourself?

Some mothers have multiple children while expressing regret.

A 41-year-old woman, mother of three children.

While working full-time, I have raised children who will become junior high school students and elementary school students.

A woman who read a book (mother of 41 years old and 3 children)

"Children are important, but I regret becoming a mother. Until now, I couldn't really tell anyone. I wish I could read a book and have regrets. It made me feel lighter. But I wonder why there are three of them. At that time, my first child was supposed to discuss with my husband and decide, but now I look back and say, "I have a child and I am alone. I think I was drunk by the atmosphere of "before" and got on the flow. Then I gave birth to the second person, who might be sorry for one person, and the third person was not actually intended. I will regret it if I don't give birth. ”I decided to give birth. I thought it was wonderful to be born as a very good child, but I felt guilty to have this feeling. I want to do more work. I feel strong and I think I wanted to study again at graduate school. My husband is more involved with children than I am, but even if I am away from my children, more than half of them are in my head. I have a lot of fun and I love my kids, but I don't think I'll be a mother if I can choose again. "

The meaning of intense criticism is

On the other hand, in Japan, there were voices saying that even before the publication of this book, I had never felt regrets on SNS where mothers exchanged opinions.

"I have never regretted giving birth to a child." "I do not

regret

having a child. Both are important children."

Voice too.

"Excuse me for my child"

"I was shocked when my mother told me I shouldn't have given birth" "

I would say in front of my child that my regrets would be normal"

"If I regret it I shouldn't give birth"

This book is the first In

Germany and other places where it was published, it was

controversial with the hashtag "#regrettingmotherhood" on Twitter, and it is said that there was also a violent bashing that was close to a personal attack on the author and the women who talked about regrets.

"I don't have such a mother."

"I'm just not a good mother."

I spoke directly to the author of this book, Israeli researcher Orna Donat, about how she perceives these repulsive voices.

Author Orna Donato

"I've been told that there is no such mother for my research. It's because talking about regrets arouses people's intense emotions because it can shake the foundations of society. By not letting regrets be spoken, we rely on "love" and "motherhood" to carry the burden only on the mother. Just as the mother's regret is reflected in the mirror, the society It leads to clarifying the way of thinking and norms of "motherhood" that you have, and the burden that you carry on your mother. Mother is not like a goddess beyond human beings. Make "motherhood" more human. I think we need to go. "

On top of that, I point out the meaning of talking about regret for mothers and society.

"The women who cooperated in the survey gradually acquired a'language'to talk about themselves through interviews. It leads to being able to look back on themselves and share their feelings. Not alone. It is important to think that it is important. I aim for a society where people who want to have children give birth and those who do not want to give birth are not forced to give birth. Women's bodies and ideas are their own and pressure from the surroundings. You need to be able to decide on your own without receiving it. "

Thinking about "regret" in society

Masami Ohinata, President of Keisen University, talks about the significance of shedding light on her mother's regrets.

Masami Ohinata, President of Keisen Jogakuin University

"In the past, it was often said that the experience of a woman who became a mother was" difficult to raise children "in relation to her child. It has an impact in that I put it head-on and ask in my own words what the choice of having a child meant in my life. I want a life where children are important, while I also want a life that is not a mother. It's quite natural, and facing that feeling leads to a renewed look at my life. "

He points out that it is important not to end the mother's regrets with personal experience.

"While mothers are willing to regret, societies, workplaces and partners also need to have a perspective on what they have been carrying on their shoulders and what to do to prevent them from regretting. I think it's important to think in society, not as an individual. "

What do you think?

"I regret becoming a mother"

How did you feel?

NHK is soliciting opinions, impressions, and information.

Please post from the dedicated form below.

Opinions and impressions about "I regret becoming a mother"

Ayumu Takahashi , a

reporter from the Social Affairs Department

, joined the bureau in 2014 and has been in his current position after working at the Matsuyama bureau.

She is mainly in charge of medical and social security fields