• Sexuality What is the difference between desire and sexual attraction?

    We get you out of doubt

  • Couples Learn about the types of sexologists and their main functions

We live in a society where sex is everywhere.

Everyone, especially women, is asked for a permanent ardor and for this reason, sometimes we can believe that not feeling a desire according to those expectations is a problem.

We must also bear in mind that routine,

long relationships, work, child rearing, stress

, lack of time and the difficulty of having time of our own crush the space for desire and leave us little time for imagination. and for erotic play.

"This hypersexualization asks us for a constant rapid desire and a desire that does not reflect reality. I have many couples in consultation who think that if they do not have almost daily relationships they have a problem and this is not at all a common rhythm among long-term couples, not even several times a week."

Thus, from the outset,

Paula Álvarez

, sexologist and pedagogue, takes a weight off our shoulders.

In other words, a more or less scarce sexual activity does not have to be routine or boring.

What's more, maybe it's not even scarce.

Álvarez adds that there is no "standard desire", nor do we all have the same hunger or thirst and that since "we can do without it", wanting to have sex is not synonymous with having better or worse health.

You must activate your own desire

Lorena Berdún

, psychologist and sexologist, explains that desire sometimes vanishes due to day-to-day occupations, but breaks with that discourse that it is "the couple who has to provoke it".

Women often, she says, offload that responsibility onto the other and "don't turn on

their own arousal

enough ."

We think that the desire has to be awakened from the outside, but it is not exactly like that.

It is the person himself, says Berdún, who has to activate that desire and not from the purely sexual but from all the dimensions that surround his life.

"First,

feel good about yourself

(that eternal fight that all human beings have every day with ourselves) and from there work on all those things that make your day to day routine and sometimes even tedious. More when you have a partner," he adds.

Desire must be worked from the inside out.

If you are not willing, open and available, nothing that comes up in front of you is going to work for you.

To desire you have to 'want' you have to 'give yourself permission', you have to be 'for and for'.

And that takes effort.

"If life eats you up in your day-to-day, reserve moments to be with your partner, park excuses,

overcome laziness.

And play", he continues.

Escape from 'amoeba mode'

For Paula Álvarez, the fact that sex is not necessary for survival makes it necessary to train him not to fall into "amoeba mode".

"To do this, we must feed what we sexologists call the "erotic map", put on spicy glasses and

look for mischief in our daily lives

to feed our fantasy database".

Sexuality, she insists, is in the head, not the genitals.

Thus, the sexologist advises treating yourself to a

toy

and using onanism to pull the thread of desire and find the keys that relight the spark of our arousal.

But Paula also attributes the routine and the lack of desire to the "double shift" that many women do: "If you come home from work and you can't lie down to rest and have your needs met, you will hardly have a moment when you feel like having sex ".

"The

fair distribution of tasks is the sexiest

thing we can bring to our partner if we want his desire to return," she says.

Take time for yourself (and your partner)

The psychologist and sexologist Lorena Berdún explains that to escape the routine and feel like having sex, the key is not to take the relationship with your partner for granted and make an effort to nurture the bonds with her.

"It needs support, like a plant. And that is done with a lot of dedication, patience, affection, respect, listening, humor...", she says.

That's the theory, but how do you get it?

"Spend time with your partner: look for openings to

have dates, talk and communicate

. Take care of yourself, open up and give yourself permission to feel that connection. That, among other things, is done by letting go of control. Women want to have everything under control and, sometimes, it is necessary to let go," he says.

In fact, Berdún poses an exercise: do you remember the last time you had a

wonderful sexual relationship

?

"Think about what context you were in, what circumstances... You were probably more relaxed than usual, unencumbered, letting go of everyday worries a bit. Sometimes just changing the context changes the experience."

Menopause is another stage

It is common to link the lack of desire and a

routine erotic life

with the passing of the years in a woman.

Paula Álvarez clarifies that there is no specific age in which they are more affected by the loss of arousal and that age is not an obstacle.

Moreover, she points out that sex exists in old age and that other stages of greater professional and maternal activity are the ones that generate more stress and difficulty for sex.

For his part, Berdún emphasizes that women do not have to stop their sexual activity at any specific age, although there are specific stages that can favor moments of greater sexual inappetence, such as menopause.

But the sexologist insists that it does not necessarily mean the death of desire: "You may have less sexual appetite due to hormonal causes, but be fully connected with your partner. Possibly you will have to make more effort not to lose that connection, but if you work on it, it is possible to

go through the stage without drama",

he explains.

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