Recently, the word "rejected ha" has been on the hot search.
For many people, rejection is really difficult: they choose to endure silently because they are worried that rejection will make others unhappy;
How to say "no" with high emotional intelligence?
The reporter interviewed psychologists.
Yangzi Evening News/Ziniu News reporter Zhang Nan
Why did "Decline Ha" become popular?
easy to use
The stalk "rejected ha" comes from workplace cases told by netizens.
Some netizens mentioned that when they worked in the public relations department before, some media reporters wanted to interview the company's executives, and they also sent an interview outline.
But the leader said that he would "decline".
As for what kind of refusal to "reject", it turned out that my colleague only sent four words, "rejected."
The so-called "graceful rejection" is to politely reject others.
Directly refuse to hurt feelings, and add "ha" at the end. The simple four words not only express the euphemistic rejection of other people's requests, but also ease the atmosphere, so as not to make the atmosphere too embarrassing.
Netizens found it interesting and practical, and began to "reject the body".
"I: I don't feel hungry. Stomach: I declined." "I: I want to exercise with Liu Genghong. My body: I declined." "I: I want to sleep on time. Work: I declined." Regarding euphemism, Netizens also played up a lot of copywriting, such as refusing to confess, "How dare you enter the blossoms when you are poor, and how dare you mistake a beautiful woman with clean sleeves."
Han Ning, a national second-level psychological counselor, a member of the Jiangsu Nanjing 12355 Psychological Expert Think Tank, and a teacher at Nanjing Transportation Technician College, told reporters that the reason why the seemingly nonsensical "rejected ha" appeared on the hot search was actually hit a lot. human psychology.
In life, I often encounter some embarrassing requests. Although I am very reluctant, sometimes in order not to affect each other's feelings, I will finally choose to accept them. Decisive refusal often falls into such a cycle.
Why don't we refuse?
"Projection Psychology"
In the process of interacting with people, rejection is very important for each of us.
Denial is actually a defense mechanism that protects our mental health from stress relief and emotional distress.
Is it hard to say "no"?
Han Ning said that from the analysis point of view, he is often annoyed at how he agreed in the first place. Such people have a kind of self-projection psychology.
"Ask yourself first, can you accept that others say no to you? People who think 'can't' take themselves as the subject of projection, and think that others can't either. In this kind of inner projection, it is often difficult to reject others. "
Han Ning said that the formation of this kind of psychology has a lot to do with our past experiences.
When I heard too many "no", "can't do" and "no how" in childhood, I would yield to "no". We will instinctively answer yes.
And the reason why we regret after rejection is that we have got rid of the shackles of "no" and returned to rational thinking.
In the analysis process, a value judgment will be made on the cost of paying.
If it doesn't fit our values, we will regret it; if it does, we will feel good.
It should be noted that if you repeatedly regret your decision and attribute your dissatisfaction to this incident, it is especially easy to transfer your dissatisfaction to the people around you and cause harm to others.
Later, regret the behavior after the emotional transfer, and blame yourself again, and finally form a vicious circle.
From then on, the "fear of promise" is formed, and this fear has a strong conflict with the psychology of surrender.
In order to avoid conflict scenarios, it will stimulate self-avoidance potential, begin to reduce social interaction or refuse to socialize, self-isolate, and form new psychological problems.
How to learn to "give up"?
love yourself more
If you want to "reject", you must consider the psychological feelings of the rejected person, and how to keep the gap between the rejected person and "me".
Han Ning said, first of all, we must preset a buffer zone for ourselves.
Reflexively give preset answers when requested.
For example, many celebrities often answer, "I need to look at my schedule" when they are invited by others, which is the default answer.
This answer will give yourself enough time to do rational analysis.
"I think about it", everyone can make a preset answer for themselves according to the actual situation.
After preparing the preset answers, simulate several request scenarios in your mind and give preset answers to strengthen conditioned reflexes.
Secondly, you must improve your self-confidence, love yourself a little more, and avoid overly "flattering" others.
The feeling of guilt generated by rejecting others is the projection of surrender to "no" in childhood. The essence of this projection is fear of losing the sense of identity, not real guilt.
If you're confident enough, you won't be afraid of losing your sense of identity.
Finally, if you reluctantly agree to someone, the other person can feel it and perceive it.
Because of your reluctance, the other party's previous gratitude will decline. If the final action has not met the other party's expectations, it will make the other party resent you.
It can also cause you to fall into commitment fear, and eventually your relationship will crack.
So reluctantly agreeing is worse than not agreeing.
Practical Tips for "Declining"
1. Maintain the same eye level as the rejected person, such as standing or sitting together.
2. Express gratitude to the rejected person, thank him for thinking of you when he encounters difficulties, and express that you cherish his help for you.
3. During the dialogue process, you need to look into the eyes of the other party to give the other party a strong sense of sincerity.
4. Don't give the other person the illusion that he may agree to him. Rejection needs to be clearly expressed.
5. Remember not to give advice to the other party.
Such as: you can solve this problem by looking for someone or other ways.
It should be reminded that when the requester asks you, in fact, you are not his only solution, and he must have other methods in the process.
All you need to do is to sincerely refuse, and don't pretend to be concerned before expressing powerlessness.
This will make the caller think you don't want to help him and want to see him laugh.
And don't explain to the caller why you can't help him.
These explanations of yours will have a solution in the eyes of the seeker, but it will make him feel that you are perfunctory.