Just as the mental health of children and adolescents is inseparable from the influence of the family of origin, the discussion of interpersonal skills of children and adolescents must also return to the family.
Li Xue, deputy chief physician of the Department of Child Psychiatry at Peking University Sixth Hospital, told China Youth Daily and China Youth Daily that a person's style of dealing with interpersonal relationships is established from the mother-infant relationship.
The basis of a person's relationships can be seen in his attachment to his mother in infancy.
The interpersonal skills of children and adolescents are inseparable from the influence of the family
The connection between attachment and interpersonal relationships was proposed by American psychologist Einsworth.
In 1973, American psychologist Einsworth designed the "Stranger Situation Experiment (also called the Attachment Experiment)", in which babies and their mothers stayed in an unfamiliar room with a stranger and a lot of toys. Children can play.
During the experiment, the mother would leave the room, and the attachment relationship between the child and the mother could be seen from the reaction of the child after the mother left and after returning.
From his studies of infants and mothers, Einsworth defined three basic types of parent-child relationships: secure, avoidant, and anxious-ambivalent, which Einsworth argues are when these children grow up and form relationships , these characteristics will still be revealed.
Securely attached children use their mother as a "safety base."
When the mother is in the room, the child will play happily, actively explore the world around them, and return to the mother for comfort when encountering difficulties; when the mother leaves the room, the child will show separation anxiety, may be nervous, or may Cries, but is easily comforted by strangers; when the mother returns to the room, the child will actively seek the mother's comfort, and can quickly calm down through the mother's comfort, and then continue to play happily and explore the surrounding environment.
Anxious-ambivalently attached children become anxious before their mothers have left the room, and are constantly worried about their mothers leaving, so they cannot devote themselves to play or actively explore the world around them; when the mothers leave, the children become more Uneasy, crying, and it is difficult for strangers to appease; when the mother comes back, the child's behavior is very contradictory. Or crying more, or screaming, kicking, refusing mother's comfort.
Avoidantly attached children do not have a good attachment relationship with their mother. When the mother is in the room, the child does not seek help from the mother and often has anger. When the mother leaves the room, the child does not cry. , the reaction to strangers is not caring; when the mother returns to the room, the child is not happy and even runs away from the mother.
Children with secure attachment are generally happier and more confident, and they can also get along with friends happily and confidently in interpersonal communication; mothers of anxious-ambivalent children are often unable to discern their children's emotional needs keenly, and such children are less likely to be in interpersonal communication. It is also difficult to have self-confidence and establish good interpersonal relationships; children with avoidant attachment do not have a good attachment relationship with their mothers, and it is difficult to establish good interpersonal and social relationships when they grow up.
Li Xue explained that the attachment relationship is the embryonic form of interpersonal development. The attachment relationship is formed before a person is three years old, but this does not mean that it cannot be changed after that.
If the child fails to establish a good attachment relationship before the age of three, in the later growth process, parents can still make efforts to change and establish a secure attachment relationship with the child.
What are the characteristics of a securely attached mother?
Li Xue concluded that they are generally able to keenly detect the emotional needs of children, and they are not only concerned about the feeding of children, but will promptly detect and respond to children's emotional changes and emotional needs, "for example, when children cry in time Provide comfort, respond in a timely manner when the child asks questions or interact with him, look at the child when the child is talking to him, and give the child full attention." Li Xue often sees some mothers breastfeeding their children. At that time, holding the child in one hand and the mobile phone in the other, "Mother's eyes are not on the child, but on the mobile phone. Although the feeding needs of the child are met, this kind of parenting method cannot meet the emotional needs of the child."
In addition, mothers should be able to feel happy all the time when interacting with their children.
When a mother begins to feel that interacting with her children is very depressing and unhappy, and even feels that raising children is a big burden and that children are her own drag and burden, she must think about what went wrong and make adjustments in time. Otherwise, this state will greatly affect the parent-child relationship and affect the establishment of the child's sense of security.
A sense of security is the foundation for a child to have good interpersonal skills in the future. Only children who have gained a sufficient sense of security will be able to establish good interpersonal relationships in the future.
Family relationships are the cornerstone of interpersonal relationships for children and adolescents
Interpersonal relationships are established from the mother-infant relationship, so where does interpersonal communication begin?
How do children learn to communicate with each other?
Li Xue believes that family relationships are the foundation of interpersonal interaction.
The communication mode between parents is the paradigm and example for children to learn interpersonal communication.
Interactions between parents and between parents and children are the basis for children's interactions with others.
There is good bilateral interaction between parents and children, and children can establish good interpersonal relationships.
Li Xue said that when children are young, parents should guide their children on the basis of equal interaction; as children grow up, parents will gradually be surpassed by children, and when children become adults, they should lead their parents.
Parents should not always want to be in a leading position, but should follow the laws of natural development and let their children gradually move ahead of themselves.
The healthiest relationship between parents and their children should be when parents learn to let go, and as their children get older, let their children get farther and farther away from themselves safely and independently, rather than control them more and more tightly.
Li Xue believes that the parenting style of parents will play a decisive role in many issues in a child's life, including the child's interpersonal communication, the building of self-esteem, academic and professional achievements, etc.
Li Xue said that the parenting styles of parents are roughly divided into four types: authoritarian, permissive, non-involved and authoritative. In many cases, several types are intertwined and alternated.
The most common are the authoritarian parents who communicate with their children mostly by demanding and ordering, and do not clearly explain why to their children, often saying "you have to do this, you can't do this" "there is no why" "I'm your father/mother, you have to listen to me."
Arbitrary parents are not just authoritative with their children, they also have an authoritarian style of communication with their partners because that's what their communication style is - little interaction, little negotiation, and inflexibility.
When the child is accustomed to this way of communication, he will also use this way when interacting with others, either treating others arbitrarily or being treated arbitrarily by others.
Corresponding to the authoritative type is the permissive type of parents, who are very indulgent and accommodating to their children, without demands or restraints, and the children have a high degree of freedom.
In this case, children cannot learn good interpersonal skills from their parents.
In interpersonal communication, they tend to be domineering, like to command others, and may even take extreme ways to control others, or impulsive aggressive behavior, etc., so it is easy to be marginalized in the crowd.
Uninvolved parents have a greater negative impact on their children.
Li Xue saw that "carrying a baby with a mobile phone" is a very common phenomenon in modern society. In many families, the father often has a mobile phone, the mother has a mobile phone, and the child has a Pad, and the whole family spends this sweetly." Happy and peaceful family time".
Li Xue said that in a sense, mobile phones and tablet computers are indeed "artifacts with children", but they also affect the social development of children.
"Whether they are authoritative, permissive or uninvolved parents, they all ignore the emotional changes and emotional needs of their children, which are not desirable. The correct approach is to be authoritative parents." Li Xue said.
Li Xue said that authoritative parents are different from coercive parents. They are consistent with parents who are in a secure attachment relationship. They have reasonable requirements for their children, such as behavioral norms, living habits, self-care ability, social norms and other requirements. It will also flexibly guide children's activities.
When they think it is necessary to establish rules and norms for their children, they will ask gently but firmly, and will also explain their reasons for doing so to the child in advance.
They will encourage children to exchange ideas with them, respecting children's interests, opinions and unique personality.
They are sensitive to their children's emotions and respond to their children's emotional needs.
Such parents generally have relatively stable emotions, better self-management skills, and better communication skills.
Li Xue concluded that children of authoritative parents are relatively more submissive; children of permissive and uninvolved parents tend to have lower self-control, poor academic achievement, and are more prone to problem behaviors, impulsiveness In addition, authoritative parents are more able to make positive demonstrations based on their children’s social communication skills in life, and at the same time, they can cultivate their children’s good social skills through constant and equal interaction with their children.
China Youth Daily, China Youth Daily reporter Xia Jin Source: China Youth Daily