Juanma González, about her anorexia and bulimia: "I thought that everything I ate was bad for me"

Disgust

, losing

and

are the words that are repeated the most in the shocking

of

, a

22-year-old

He tells me his story as he tries to forget what were the

months of his life.

With his legs crossed and his hands on the desk in his room, in order to feel contact with

, Juanma opens the doors of his

to me with the desire to

people who are going through the same thing.

With a

painful and disturbing

that she wants to launch into the world in search of more

in the health system;

and with the moving message that "You can do anything with everything and you can get out of everything".

In search of the perfect body

"It all started in 2019. I lived in

in a student flat. I was very comfortable with them and apparently everything was normal. Perhaps what I was not comfortable with was my own

. And without perhaps. It is true that in that At the

time I was

which I was always trying to get rid of with diets, which finally became one of the many absurd ways to look for the desired and

body . Or at least the perfect body for me. I guess we have all tried to have the ideal body in this convulsive

that imposes

totally

and comparative

"So, what started out as one of many struggles ended up becoming my worst

. I downloaded an application that was initially my ally to lose weight. It counted me the

I should eat and told me what

to put in my mouth to lose that pesky fat that gets in the way of us all.

not the salads

"But what began as one more help, one more

, ended up completely obsessing me. I started eating very low-calorie things and I noticed results almost immediately. This logically

you , but of course, you are hungry.

were my allies during the whole process, until one day they became my enemies. At this point everything I ate was bad for me. Or so I thought."

"I knew that

and anorexia existed, but it had never crossed my mind before that it could happen to me. One day I was really hungry and I thought: 'I have to eat.' And I did until I said : 'I'm going to explode.' But since I was on the diet and my stomach wasn't used to eating so much at once, I felt really bad. And I thought

up wasn't going to hurt me."

In free fall

But of course, after doing it I felt

.

That's how it ended up becoming my daily routine.

After vomiting you are not hungry, only your

stomach

So I said to myself, 'Why don't I throw up my main meals?'

I started with dinner from time to time.

Then it was all the dinners.

The snacks, the meals... until I ended up throwing up everything I ate except water and some

that I thought I could afford."

"The summer heat came and July and August were the worst months. I vomited

times a day. Since I went to the

and did a lot of sports, my family and friends thought I was losing weight because I

a lot and ate healthy. ".

ended up burning ,

the sore throat was unbearable and I just cried. That's when I realized that this was not good for me and I repeated to myself: 'Juanma, don't do it anymore unless it's necessary '. That was all my reasoning. So I directly opted not to eat. If I didn't, I wouldn't vomit. In addition, I had the

that many times, due to

I didn't coincide with my

at lunchtime. meals, so it was very easy for me to lie.

the worst thoughts

"I began to experience a

. It's as if your mind split in two. You go a thousand miles an hour. You don't hear voices or anything, I say this because there are people who have asked me. Basically it's your

that destroys you. How can you get to do so much damage to yourself, I wonder ".

"'You're going to be

, nobody is going to love you, don't eat anymore', are some of the

that startled me when I was apparently fine, perhaps sitting at a table surrounded by all the people I love. Your

begin to alter and the moment of looking at yourself in a mirror is one of the worst. I have come to take off my clothes on my

and in the shower I have soaped myself quickly, because my body disgusted me".

"My whole

world was

arrive

. 'Are you

okay?

' I've done it in so many places that I don't even remember. I never considered the option of staying home, because going out meant walking and walking meant losing weight. I went from weighing almost 100 kilos to

in a matter of three or four months."

New sequels

"After a trip with my friend to Finland, I went to

for three days alone and I thought: 'This is my moment.' plane, I got dizzy. The stewardesses helped me, but I gave them the excuse that it was because of the

of flying".

attacks started

. Sadness invaded me. Until one day she gave me one in front of my mother and took me to a

. She was the one who helped me tell my parents. In fact, when they went to come

to the first session, my mother between sobs asked me: 'But Juanma, what's wrong with you?' And my father said: 'Well, she has

or do you not see it?'. My father snorted and I got angry. When you lack food you are very irritable."

"According to the experts, the option of hospitalizing me was the most logical, but I did not want to. Entering a center meant

my nursing

, which I had always dreamed of. In addition, the Malaga center was private, about 1,500 euros per month , and my parents had to ask for a

.

"I went to

and they advised me on the center where I am now. I started with psychological therapy once a week and with the

. Also, once a month I had group therapy and another, group therapy for parents" .

effects and lies

"Just when I decided to take the step towards healing, the secondary effects of my

began. I began to grow hair all over my body, which is a way it has to protect us from the

. I also had

, which are the marks of the popsicles on the fingers of the hand with which you help yourself to

.

"I became a very

. And the people around me at first did not understand my illness. They thought: 'If you want to be

then eat', but that is like telling a person with

to smile or a person with diabetes to create insulin I

it were that easy."

"The days passed.

is slow and non-linear. One day I refused to eat and I perfectly remember my father's words: 'Before I cry for

, you cry for eating'. That's when I realized the

of the business".

"When I started my nursing internship, I was still in the process. In fact, I

a couple of times while

. It seems incredible, at the time when I was the one who had to

of others, it was when I had to take care of myself the most. When I had to study

, I immediately thought: 'My God, I have this.' And it becomes hard. "

You can go out

"The days and months went by. The psychological

helped me a lot. Every time I felt a little better. There is always a person you

in your worst moments, like my

, my

and my friend

. "

"Getting out of the

is difficult: you are

and relapse is part of the

. There also comes a time when you have to do without the psychologist and do everything on your own."

"To this day, I can say that I was

last

and I couldn't feel

. After having gone through the

time of my life, I am me again. The consequences exist. I don't know my

and I don't want to know it. It scares me, because I don't know how it would impact me."

"I wanted to

my story to help people who are going through the same thing. One more piece of advice: it was very good for me to write

to myself: a letter to my body, a letter to my weight, a letter to my thoughts, etc. In addition, I would like to remind everyone that we are not

, that with work and the

of your people you can get out of it, and that if someone needs to lose weight for health reasons, they should always do so by going to a

and under supervision. medical".

"Today I say

, I have lost a lot with it but I also know that I have

. You always win something. And I have

myself."

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