Business is a kind of rational calculation, and love is an emotional impulse, but such a pair of tension-filled concepts together explain exactly how the relationship between lovers is produced in the age of consumerism.

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　　Just after establishing a relationship, your lover will give you a mobile phone as a gift, will you accept it?

　　Do you and your lover exchange gifts every holiday and anniversary?

　　Do you feel lost when your lover receives a handmade gift that you have prepared with care?

　　Every choice you make here may become research evidence in sociology.

In fact, gift is an important part of the formation and maintenance of social relations, and it is also a classic topic in the field of sociology and anthropology.

What kind of chemistry happens when the sublime theme of love collides with the economic logic of gifting?

　　In the past year, Liu Dawei's research team from Northwestern University interviewed dozens of college students who were studying and graduated less than a year ago to study the gift exchange behavior and its symbolic meaning in different love periods.

　　Liu Dawei believes that it is in the uninterrupted gift and acceptance that the love relationship can be produced.

He proposed the concept of "managing love" - ​​although management is a rational calculation and love is an emotional impulse, such a pair of tension-filled concepts together explain the production method of couples' relationships in the age of consumerism.

Gifts are "expressive" and "instrumental"

　　Xiaohe had just established a relationship when her boyfriend gave her a mobile phone.

The two had just started dating, and everything was still uncertain. She felt that the gift was too expensive, so she was unwilling to accept it.

But the boyfriend's attitude is firm, saying that if he doesn't accept it, he will throw away the phone.

Xiaohe accepted it nervously, turned around and went to his family to borrow money, and transferred the money from his mobile phone to his boyfriend.

　　This is one of the cases investigated by Liu Dawei's team.

Their research found that in the early stages of a relationship, although the passion of love still dominates, the lack of understanding in the brief relationship still brings uncertainty to the relationship.

Because of the uncertainty of whether the relationship can be maintained for a long time, the recipient will have a tendency to avoid "debt" - that is, to give roughly equal gifts in return, or to refuse the gift outright.

　　Anthropologist Yan Yunxiang divides gifts into "instrumental" and "expressive". Instrumental gifts focus on the value of gifts as objects, while expressive gifts follow emotional norms and emphasize the symbolic meaning behind gifts.

Perhaps in the eyes of Xiao He's boyfriend, an expensive gift is not only a sincere gesture of love for starting a relationship in earnest, but also can create an idealized impression, and even reveal the economic ability of the giver.

　　"If I buy a gift for my boyfriend who I just got together with, I will pay attention to the weight of the gift, it can't be too cheap, I hope it's decent. If you talk for a long time and your trust level is high, it doesn't matter. It's like when I give a good friend a gift. I don't care about the price of gifts, I think the trust between friends will be higher and more casual, even if it is a small thing, they will know my intentions." The girl said softly.

Behind the gift dispute is a relationship problem

　　While couples in the early stages of a relationship are still tentatively testing out gifts, couples in long-term relationships are already struggling with not knowing what to give.

In addition to the fixed gift exchange time nodes - birthdays, anniversaries, Valentine's Day, there are many more festivals that require gifts, such as "May 20", Girls' Day, Boys' Day, Christmas, White Day, etc.

"There are dozens of festivals throughout the year, except for Qingming Festival and Zhongyuan Festival, couples all come here as Valentine's Day." Liu Dawei said.

　　Compared with the more private intimacy of previous generations, Liu Dawei found that the intimacy of this generation of young people has a stronger display - such as the show-off and performance show presented by "The First Cup of Milk Tea in Autumn" Loving.

"College students participated in it unconsciously, and businessmen were also happy to see it. From the emergence of this stalk in 2020, it will continue in the fall of 2021, indicating that consumerism and intimacy have completed another self-production."

　　At a specific gift exchange node, if one party forgets to give a gift, it is likely to suffer some kind of emotional "sanction" from the other party, such as expressing dissatisfaction through nagging, cold war or quarrel.

Worse yet, it can lead to a breakup.

　　In the "Douban Persuasion Group", a considerable part of the emotional issues are about gifts.

Posts such as "Should you consider breaking up if you don't have a gift for Christmas?", "Why do you recommend breaking up if you don't receive a gift for the holidays?" "You want to break up without a gift on the Chinese Valentine's Day" and other posts often attract attention and discussion. If you don't have it, you "don't love it anymore"; the other party is too tired to deal with it, thinking that gifts are not a necessary way to express your love.

　　In Liu Dawei's view, behind the disputes over gifts, there is a problem in the relationship itself.

When A Jing recalled her last relationship, she admitted that "our relationship was not healthy" in the later stages of the relationship.

At that time, she and her boyfriend were in a long-distance relationship, and she did not give her boyfriend a gift on Qixi Festival.

"I always feel that he doesn't love me, and I use this method to make him feel that he should love me - you should give me gifts, and I can not give you." There are also girls who think that they want gifts "I don't want that thing, but I want that concern."

　　Most girls are delicate and sensitive. When their emotional and companionship needs are not seen and met, gifts, a more obvious medium of emotional transmission, become their "requests", or more like a "prayer".

Liu Dawei believes that the gift itself is only a medium, a symbol of heart, whether from the perspective of dominance or from the perspective of emotion.

"When a relationship needs to be confirmed by constantly asking for gifts, it must be fragile. The person who asks is obviously insecure in the relationship and is worried about gains and losses. From a sociological point of view, this relationship model is unhealthy and unstable. ."

Boys always pay more for gifts

　　Many studies have found that boys are more likely and more likely to give gifts than girls.

　　Although it was Rou Rou who actively pursued her boyfriend, the first gift exchange was still a gift from a boy.

In A Jing's last relationship, she admitted that the gifts she gave to each other were not of high value, such as socks, gummies for insomnia, couples' sweaters, snacks, etc., while she received silver necklaces, lipsticks and famous brands. shoe.

　　Zhou Zhihao from the Sichuan Academy of Social Sciences once surveyed 182 students in love from five universities in Chengdu. More love gift spending."

　　He attributes this outcome to gender performance in romantic gift exchanges: "Because traditional gender role norms assign men the role and responsibility of 'the breadwinner', it makes it easier for men in romantic relationships to increase their spending on romantic gifts by increasing their spending. way to show compliance with gender role norms; while women, under the gender division of labor and social expectations of 'men outside women inside', try their best to avoid becoming the more financially responsible party in a romantic relationship, and show that by controlling and reducing love gift-giving expenses Its 'passive and implicit' gender identity."

　　In Liu Dawei's view, the unbalanced flow of gifts is actually the presentation of the relationship between the sexes in the romantic relationship.

"Whether it's the pursuit of 'masculinity' or the idea that girls should be pampered, they are rooted in the identification of the unequal power relationship between the sexes. The dominance of gifts is always there, and blindly accepting them will only put oneself in the position of being favored. Dominance, disadvantage in a relationship."

　　Of course, some relationships are not as hard and unfair as they sound.

Xiaofeng has been in a long-distance relationship with his girlfriend for a year and a half, and there are more than 20 gifts given unilaterally, and he still enjoys it.

New Year's Day, Valentine's Day, "5.20", Tanabata, anniversaries, Christmas, birthdays, he will send carefully selected gifts on time.

In addition to these, "I usually buy good ones when I see them", buying hats and gloves when it's cold, and buying her favorite short-sleeved shirt when it's hot. These are all his ways of expressing his love for his girlfriend far away.

Of course, the girlfriend will also reciprocate.

In this way, the emotions of the two people are maintained and heated through gifts.

'Love Without Gifts' Scene: Put Your Money to Be Used on Dates

　　Xiaofang and her long-distance boyfriend are in a "no-gift love".

Because the two of them are both students and have no income, they agreed: instead of racking their brains to choose gifts for each other, they will save the money and use it together when they meet and date.

　　"For us, whether there is a gift or not has little effect on our relationship. Whether our relationship is good or bad, and how we express our love, gift-giving is indeed one way, but certainly not the only way." Xiao Fang said, such a relationship state Make her feel relaxed and unburdened.

　　Liu Dawei's team found through research that in long-term relationships, as the relationship between couples continues to become closer, in order to reduce the burden of giving and returning gifts, couples will reduce the emphasis on specific gift exchanges and replace them with more practical behaviors.

　　Rourou herself is a girl who doesn't pay attention to the exchange of gifts. She "wouldn't put her feelings on things".

In her love experience, she has never received a birthday present from her boyfriend.

"It's a hassle, and I don't care too much. If you prepare it for me, I will be very happy. If I don't prepare, I won't be so uncomfortable. Although sometimes I feel lost, but the mood will pass quickly." She Say.

　　Liu Dawei also mentioned the case of a boy: he never gave gifts to his girlfriend, and the other party had no opinion.

The boy thinks the reason is that there is a girl's adoration as the basis of love.

Liu Dawei mentioned that there is a view in anthropology that "love is a kind of biological bribery", that is, people themselves can be used as gifts, and marriage is the ultimate exchange of people as gifts.

In this sense, the girlfriend of this classmate looks at the boy because of the unique charm that she admires.

　　There are as many couples as there are couples, and there are as many ways of falling in love.

Whether it is a gift or no gift, the most important thing is the exchange of heart between the two.

When the consensus of getting along is formed, "me and him/her" becomes "us".

　　(At the request of the interviewee, Ajing, Rourou, Xiaofeng and Xiaofang are all pseudonyms)

　　Du Jiabing, a trainee reporter from China Youth Daily and China Youth Daily. Source: China Youth Daily