How do I explain it to my child?: What we can do when the fear is growing

Fear gives you wings.

That's an old saying, and of course it's not true.

How is that supposed to work, give wings?

But in a figurative sense there is something to it: there is a kind of fear that prepares us internally for the fact that things can get dicey.

We are then particularly vigilant and ready to react quickly.

Our heart beats faster and the blood can carry more oxygen, which our muscles need to flee or fight.

Good that there is this fear - a fear that is there when we need it!

And it's a good thing that there are very few situations in our lives today in which we really have to flee or fight.

Fridtjof Küchemann

Editor in the Feuilleton.

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But there are other forms of fear.

One of them doesn't come when we need it, but is always there when we have it.

It almost seems as if we can't get rid of them anymore.

This fear does not give wings, but it is as if, on the contrary, it almost paralyzes us.

There are people for whom such fear is really an illness caused by terrible experiences and they need medical help and strength and time to free themselves from this fear.

On a small scale, this also exists for other people: moments in which we go in circles with our fears.

They grow in us, get bigger and bigger, and it's getting harder and harder not to let them determine your own life.

When terrible things happen elsewhere, like the war in Ukraine right now, then you don't need a bad experience to be so afraid, but something that you can only wish for everyone: imagination and empathy.

What if we too were attacked?

What if we could no longer be safe from rocket fire in our homes?

If we had to hide or flee?

If our families couldn't stay together and we worried about each other like never before?

It is a terrible situation that many, many people in Ukraine are experiencing right now.

We learn about it through the news, through conversations in the schoolyard or in the family - or directly from people who have come to us from the Ukraine.

It's not that far: Ukraine is a neighboring country of our neighboring country Poland.

All people are troubled by such questions.

Especially with children, who are particularly helpless in the face of these worries, it is important that they are not left alone with them.

That they can ask their parents if they don't understand something, that they can pour out their hearts to them if they are worried, that they can be reassured and comforted.

But how can it be that a fear seems to grow in us?

That even if we don't learn anything new, additionally unsettling, it keeps getting bigger?

This happens because our head and body are rocking each other up.

Sometimes it is enough for us to imagine something, and our body reacts to it almost as if we had really experienced it.

Anyone who has ever bitten into a slice of lemon can easily imagine it: smelling the fresh, sour scent, holding the juicy flesh in your fingers, opening your mouth, closing your eyes and... We have to don't really experience it at all, so that our mouths water - meaning the saliva.

The popular lemon experiment shows in a simple way that our imagination is enough to trigger a physical reaction.

Unfortunately, this doesn't only work when we imagine great experiences or funny ones like biting into a lemon.

It works for fear too.

And more happens: our brain, which triggered the physical reaction, then registers this physical reaction and sees its fear confirmed.

As if it were saying something like: "My body is telling me something is wrong.

I'd rather put a shovel on top of that." You don't have to be a great expert to figure out what the body is doing with this "shovel more": its fear reaction also gets stronger.

When they're not dealing with an anxiety that's actually way too big for them, there's a trick for adults to try to get out of it: just take your own thoughts and think ahead in a good direction.

For example, if you can't get rid of the idea that you are standing in a burning house, it is best to imagine yourself turning around and seeing a rescue blanket and a fire extinguisher behind you.

How he wraps himself in the protective blanket and uses the fire extinguisher to spray a path of flames through which he comes out of the burning house.

And how relieved he is when he's outside because he's safe and everyone else in the house is with him.

It's not that easy, you have to really concentrate on it, but the body also gets this progression of the story: the plan, the way,

to save yourself, and happiness afterwards.

And the brain notices that the body reacts with relief and relaxes.

If you keep thinking about what it would be like if your own family were torn apart, the best thing to do is to imagine how everyone finds themselves again, happy and safe, how the family is hugged again and everyone is relieved.

For most children, this exercise is also a size too big if they are to do it alone.

It is best to get your parents or grandparents to help you get out of the swinging of your head and body.

Incidentally, this is not only possible by consciously thinking through your own idea to a good end.

But also a bit when you are busy with something else that is going in the right direction - with a film, for example, or a book in which there is plenty of happiness and security.