Real motherhood: myths and truths about sex after children

In the comedy 'A Dangerous Therapy' (1999), Robert De Niro plays a mobster who suffers from anxiety attacks.

In a scene in the film, his character alludes to fellatio as a sexual practice that he would never ask of his wife: "That's the mouth that kisses my children," he says, and ends with that for that , there are already others.

Beneath this fictitious conversation lies a reality that separates sexuality and motherhood and that the actress Dafne Fernández has brought to the present day through a recent interview with El Mundo.

In it, she explains that having her children has made her invisible to the desire of others and that this has had a negative impact on her work as her actress.

Before her, she was offered hottie roles and now, according to herself, she no longer fits those characters.

It seems, then, that Dafne does not feel challenged by the concept of mother cannon, that is, the MILF (Mother I'd Like to Fuck).

This term became fashionable as a result of the famous movie '

(1999), where it was applied to the character played by an exuberant

desire after childbirth

Paula Álvarez, sexologist at EroticFeel, explains that in many women the disconnection between motherhood and sexuality occurs after giving birth.

At that time, the

is something "very common".

His reasons are summarized here:

Lorena Berdún

is a psychologist, sexologist and expert in couples therapy, as well as a well-known face because she hosted television programs on sexual disclosure years ago.

She believes that motherhood is a transformative process, so that no woman has to go back to being the same as she was and that, at that moment, another stage begins in which vital aspects and others related to the couple are readjusted.

"The desire is not lost because of having given birth, it simply goes through a stage in which not much attention is paid to it because the gaze is focused on the baby. It is important to feed the desire, not only focused on having sexual relations, but focused on maintain the connection with the couple", he explains.

And she insists that women must respect each other and give themselves the respite they need, "remembering that erotica and sensuality are worked on day by day", even during breastfeeding.

THE LOOK OF THE OTHER

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In the aforementioned interview with El Mundo,

alluded to the external view of herself, to the change in the perception that others have of her as a woman and mother.

Paula Álvarez maintains that couples often feel displaced by the time of attention that a child requires, to which is added "the myth of the mother and the whore, which

and categorizes them in a social status who do not perceive them as desirable".

However, Berdún believes that this perception is by no means the majority: "In many cases, couples see their women as true heroines, because of their strength, their resistance, their courage... And that

. Not in vain How many times has that man/woman wanted to make love long before the couple was ready for it?

The crux of the matter is that in the new normal, there may be fewer times for sex, "but the quality does not have to go down," explains the sexologist.

"A

, if by that we mean things like putting on a super sexy bodysuit, doing a '

, coming on, saying risqué things, etc."

the absent sex

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If a mother feels little desire, they may feel pressure and give in to having sex.

Paula Álvarez considers that this should not happen: "We don't have to force ourselves to do what we

doing , something that many feel they should do

for

that their partner will leave them for not having sex," she says, insisting that we should not have feelings of debt or commitment to our partner.

Marta Aguiar is the founder of

, a company of products focused on the first stages after the arrival of a baby and that has developed a practical Guide to survive postpartum.

She gives parents a cape: "The reality of postpartum is very invisible. Nobody tells us anything, but neither do they. No matter how modern or sensitive they are, they can't know how to behave if they don't have information either," she says.

Aguiar has two children and is expecting the third.

"At the time, I had a

to have sex again," she admits, speaking of the taboos that continue to surround sex and motherhood.

"Although women are beginning to be able to talk about their own pleasure, we mothers are still under the yoke that links motherhood with purity and sex with the opposite," she expands.

For this reason, she perfectly understands that Dafne Fernández is not being offered the roles of seductive women now.

"We have to unlearn many things, talk more and give space to naturalness," she insists.

The return to desire

In the return to desire, in case it has diminished or disappeared, the woman's role is not at all passive.

Lorena Berdún explains clearly: "You are the one who has to put yourself back in control.

of your actions, you are the one who has to include the couple in the new equation in which you and your son are. You decide when you are ready, respecting your times and your wishes".

And for this, it can be useful to "force that desire a little".

For her, one way may be to work on the

of the relationship as a couple, which does not necessarily imply having sex.

EroticFeel's sexologist adds that for a mother to reactivate herself sexually speaking, it is vital to recover intimacy and not be exhausted.

With these premises, he proposes to start with

(

, for example), recognize the new body, love it, desire it,

and an internal narrative.

"It is possible that we no longer know what to think about to get excited. We have to learn to orgasm again with the body we have and think about sharing it with our partner, if we want to," she concludes.

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