I can't say "help" -every day I'm scared of "Corona closed" -March 2, 15:53
"And do your best,"
the word wasn't for anyone, just to inspire you.
A single mother who raises her son who goes to kindergarten.
No one can rely on others.
Since there is no depository, I am afraid that the kindergarten will be closed due to the corona.
I want to say "help", but I'm hesitant about the eyes around me.
She kept telling me as a reporter as if she had coughed her.
(Ayuka Iwasawa, reporter of Maebashi Broadcasting Station)
She and me
She lives in Gunma prefecture and is now 26 years old.
She met last fall.
She was introduced by an NPO that is continuously interviewing.
She is two years older than me.
However, except that she is a "woman of the same age", her background and current environment are completely different.
Every time she talks on the phone for the first time, she is always shocked by the surrounding environment.
She lives in an apartment with a rent of 40,000 yen.
She raises her 6-year-old son at a convenience store six days a week, working full-time from 9 am to 5 pm.
"This child has no grandpa, grandma, or father."
As the saying goes, she has neither her parents nor her husband.
Although she has siblings, she has grown up in a complex family environment and is not in a relationship to entrust her son.
8 hours for my son
So now, what she fears most is that her son's kindergarten will be closed.
The painful experience of last summer, when the new Corona "Fifth Wave" raged, revives like a flashback.
"I spent eight hours at a convenience store office. It was hard to say that it was my mom's fault." It was because the
kindergarten where my son attended had two clusters in a short period of time and was closed for about a month.
"I got a notification in the middle of the night and when I woke up in the morning without noticing it, I said,'I got a strong contact with Corona. I can't go to the kindergarten.' … ”
My son was not infected and did not become a close contact.
He is the only one who can support his household, so he has no choice but to continue working even if he has no depository.
With the kindness of the store manager, I took him to a convenience store at work.
A 5-year-old son at the time.
It was "clearer than looking at the fire" that he couldn't wait quietly for eight hours he worked.
"Hey, when I was at a convenience store, I'm just carrying it. Because I don't have a TV."
"It's impossible for an adult to say" stay in the office for 8 hours. " I was thrilled when I was wondering when I would get a complaint from a customer. "
Water and bean sprouts
Due to the unavoidable shortening of working hours, my income dropped sharply.
That month is over 120,000 yen.
Only my food expenses were cut down.
"I basically drank only tap water at work during work
." I brought "bean sprouts" for lunch.
I tried to fill my hunger by warming it in the microwave and sprinkling soy sauce on it.
My son hits me straight.
"It's boring, it's my mom's fault."
My body and mind were worn out every day.
"I blamed myself. I don't have a place to escape, but my child doesn't have a place to escape. When this happens, I frankly thought that" one person is too tight. " It's quite difficult, isn't it made me realize? "
All the time, alone
Her 26-year life has always been side by side with "loneliness."
When she was in elementary school, when she got home, she was kicked out by her single mother's mother, "Don't come back," and was abused by her.
Near the end of her junior high school life, her mother suddenly moved to Gunma with her and her younger brother from the familiar city of Tokyo, saying her abuse was "known to the school and neighborhood."
"My mother said,'I want to run away. I want to go to a land that no one knows.' I didn't want to go. But I can't live alone in Tokyo in my third year of junior high school. I had no choice but to follow. "
She said she was kicked out of the house even in Gunma.
At the age of 16, she lost her place, she was injured and she entered the juvenile training school.
After she left the independence support facility where she spent her time, she lived while working in taverns and cabaret clubs.
And before the age of 20, she found out she was pregnant.
That's all you know,
"a child was born with a guest at night ."
After that, I still don't know the profession or name of the customer.
Of course I was wondering whether to give birth.
My upbringing was greatly involved in that hesitation.
"I had always decided that I wouldn't be a mother. I had a strong feeling that I couldn't make myself happy. It's like I was abandoned by my parents."
I don't know how to love and grow.
What if you do something like abandon your child?
I was at a loss until the very end and got rid of my worries.
Still decided to give birth.
"Isn't it a" living thing "after all? It's the same as killing a person."
Every time she sees her child in her tummy with an echo, she says, "I tried my best and kept hitting myself with a whip."
She swore to him when she actually saw the face of her son who had her birth in the world.
"Be sure to protect".
The limits of the mind
It was not easy to keep that vow.
I searched for a nursery center to work, but the neighborhood was full and I couldn't enter.
At the same time, her mother died herself.
Apart from her past history, the only thing she thought she could rely on was gone.
She develops "childcare depression".
I put her son in kindergarten and searched for a job, but when I interviewed her, all I heard was similar words.
"How long can you get out a week?"
"How many hours can you get out?"
"If your child feels sick, can you see me?"
"Does that make a hole in your work ?" It was the convenience store
was working at that I finally accepted after being refused many times.
I have been working hard for the next 6 years.
I don't have my time.
It was the waves of the new corona that rushed in to catch up.
As if the tense thread breaks.
My heart was the limit.
Last October, I tried to die myself.
"I don't really understand, when that happens ... The point of stress is for me. I can't even turn it for my child."
"I wonder if I overdo it ... but is it okay?"
When I thought so while bleeding from my arm that hit the knife.
He suddenly came up with his son in the next room.
She returned to me and contacted her sister.
She was taken to the hospital and died.
"You can't die with this kid. I realized what I'm doing. No, I overdo it. I didn't know who would protect him if I were gone."
She looks back on that time.
Now her son has clearly stated, "The meaning of my life."
The notification is scary
After that, the child guidance center asked me to "temporarily keep it", but refused to "grow it under my own control".
However, I am afraid that the days when I worked with my child in the convenience store office will come again.
"Every time I get a notification from the kindergarten, my heart hurts. (The notification to my smartphone) opens with excitement when I'm from the kindergarten.
My son is an elementary school student from April.
He said, "I will not be able to live this time" if I cannot work because the cost of preparing for admission is high.
The afternoon of February 16th, broadcasting an interview with her.
She contacted the reporter LINE.
It was a notice from her son's kindergarten that she was afraid of.
She said, "Since an infected person has appeared, we are investigating close contacts."
Fortunately my son was not a close contact and his class was not closed.
It is up to each family to decide to go to the kindergarten, and even though there are many parents who let them rest, women let their son go to the kindergarten.
However, the "pounding" of contact from the kindergarten continues.
The text of LINE had the words "I'm exhausted."
She has not been vaccinated even though the infection has spread so much.
She says she has no one to take care of her son if she gets feverish and can't move due to side reactions.
To avoid the risk of infection, she keeps going out to a minimum and keeps her son and two at home.
Help me, a word
And no matter how hard she is, she doesn't seek help from government or NPOs.
When I asked her straight, she got a frank answer.
"I decided to give birth to myself, but I don't like being seen with eyes like" I'm not spoiled. "When I consulted with a friend before," I decided to give birth to myself. I was told, "I couldn't tell people about that kind of thing."
A vow to "must protect" when giving birth to a son.
I think I have to be strong for my son.
I couldn't say "help" because of the strength of the vow and the strength of my feelings.
Do your best a little more
"I want you to know the reality of single-parent families that no one can rely on," she said in an interview this time.
She asked what she really wanted to hear at the end of the story for nearly two hours.
She got an unexpected answer,
"What would you say to yourself now?"
"And do your best a little more,"
he continued, using the word "whip" that she had been hitting her since she was in her tummy.
"Until the child leaves his hand, he has no choice but to keep hitting himself with a whip. I can only say that I should do my best."
How can I save a mother like her?
We interviewed two organizations that support single mothers.
The first person I spoke to was Mayumi Nishida, director of the Tokyo support group "Heartful Family".
She taught me that there are many mothers who can't say "help".
Mayumi Nishida, Director of Support Group "Heartful Family" "
There are many people who can't go to the consultation. I've been raising children by myself, but people around me told me that I decided to raise by myself." In many cases, it has become difficult to do. "
Then he talked.
The general idea is that "single mothers are difficult and poor, so we have to support those difficult parts." Just change the perspective, change the "environment" surrounding the single mother first, and then "connect". It is important not to make it and isolate it. "
In order to create an environment that makes it easy to consult, this organization makes it easy to chat using LINE without having to go to the counter or call.
Also, we are focusing on communicating the national support system in an easy-to-understand manner.
We have introduced on Twitter and our website an easy-to-understand explanation of the support system that makes it easier for parents to take paid leave when the school is closed or closed due to the influence of the new Corona.
On the other hand, Ikuyo Niwa of NPO "Kids Valley" who supports child-rearing in Gunma also pointed out that the single mother of Corona is "isolated".
NPO "Kids Valley" Mr. Ikuyo Niwa
"There are more and more consultations such as" I can't meet my friends and there are no more people to talk to. " I'm reluctant to know what's going on and I can't ask for help. "
The emphasis was on the importance of actively reaching out to and contacting mothers from support groups.
It is said that they try to "make them aware that they are in a situation where they can receive support first."
However, what the two groups said was that the activities of the group itself were difficult due to the influence of the corona, making it difficult to reach people in need.
It made me realize how easy it is to prevent the "isolation" of one mother.
Now that I've finished the interview, I have many words to remember.
It's the last word I heard when I first met and talked to her who couldn't say "help".
"I just need to listen to you. I want a place where I can talk like this."
When I said this, the three letters that came to my mind were "raising alone."
And my chest became painful.
At the same time, I learned that "listening to people" can be useful to someone.
May people like her, who desperately inspire herself and continue to protect her child by herself, feel free to confide her worries and thoughts.
I hope that more people will gently snuggle up and more people will reach out, and I myself will listen softly to that quiet voice and continue to communicate.
Maebashi Broadcasting Station Reporter
Ayaka Iwasawa Joined the station
After being interviewed by the police, now we are mainly interviewing the welfare of the government and single mothers.Keywords: