【Feature 151】Old Affair
When he decided to change his last job, Huang Xiaoxuan, who was born in 1987, never thought that he would have an intersection with the emotional story of the elderly.
Now, more than a year later, "the matchmaker who helps the elderly protect the media" has become the most well-known label on her body.
Huang Xiaoxuan is a reporter who appeared on the dating show "It's Not Too Late" for the middle-aged and elderly of Jilin Radio and Television Life Channel.
Nearly two years after its launch, this daily broadcast of about 30 minutes per episode suddenly became popular at the end of last year with the golden sentences frequently spoken by male and female guests.
With the spread of related videos on social platforms, the elderly who have been absent from the Internet and aphasia for a long time have made their living conditions visible in a seemingly unexpected way.
According to data released by the National Bureau of Statistics, by the end of 2021, my country's population aged 65 and above exceeded 200 million, accounting for 14.2% of the national population.
According to the Survey Report on Living Conditions of the Elderly in China's Urban and Rural Areas released in 2018, the proportion of widowed elderly people aged 65 and above living alone in my country reached 41.7%.
Considering that some elderly people did not remarry after divorce in the early years, the proportion of single elderly people should actually be higher.
How to meet emotional needs in old age?
This has always been an issue that has been ignored and too shy to discuss.
The popularity of dating shows for middle-aged and elderly people seems to have ripped off a layer of black cloth used to cover up the facts: in the second half of life, there is still hope, fear, and love.
loneliness, loneliness with nowhere to hide
Gao Pengju once worked as a director in a young people's marriage and love program on the Life Channel. At that time, the program team occasionally received calls from some "overaged" applicants.
"Young people can have a blind date, why can't the elderly?" In the second half of 2019, including Gao Pengju, 4 people "split" from the original marriage and love program formed the column group "It's Never Too Late".
Compared with the shortage of manpower, the more difficult problem at the beginning is that there are too few people willing to come for blind dates.
Some elderly people called when they saw the promotional video, but only said they understood the situation.
As soon as they heard that they were going to appear on TV, many people gave up.
No way, Gao Pengju took everyone to the blind date corner of the famous Peony Garden in Changchun to find someone.
There, the group of young people saw another world.
Every day, many elderly people come to hang out and chat in the blind date corner; there are notes with personal information and contact information on the walls and pillars; some elderly people see the propaganda board of "Fate Come Never Too Late" and go back and forth a lot. This time, he just didn't come forward to talk.
相似的场景，在北京菖蒲河公园、武汉中山公园也在上演。独身老人渴望有人陪伴，但碍于传统观念和舆论压力，往往只能自我压抑或者在很小范围内试探与寻找。“一旦有人关注并试图让他们表达欲求，老人的第一反应反而可能是退缩。”生活频道副总监计春燕这样解释《缘来不晚》起步时的困扰。
新冠肺炎疫情的出现让事情发生了改变。当亲友无法相聚，甚至连下楼散步都变成奢望时，孤独，这一独居老人最大的敌人无限膨胀开来。最终，对独处的害怕和厌恶战胜了“面子”，疫情形势缓和后，越来越多的人主动联系了栏目组。
“想有个相互陪伴的人。”这句话，《缘来不晚》制片人冷冰数不清听多少老人说过。在中国，居家养老是最主要的养老模式，这在一定程度上加剧了独身老人的孤独。两年里，冷冰见过有人买来鸡精再原价在小区门口售卖，就为了“捞着个人唠两句”；有人贪恋电话推销员的关心与问候买了大量所谓保健品；有人每天写纸条自问自答，看电视剧时会和里面的人说话。
有一次，因为介绍的对象没成，一位大哥对冷冰说“要不你给我介绍一个电话伴儿吧”。还有一次，一位对自己外表不自信的大姐向红娘提出“实在不行，你给我找个女伴也好”。
因为怕遇不上合适的另一半，所以想“降低标准”找一个每天互相打电话嘘寒问暖的人，或是一个可以一起生活的姐妹。“可想而知他们孤独的程度。”冷冰说。
日夜被孤独侵蚀的感觉，年轻人很难体会。瘫痪5年的老伴去世23天后，74岁的崔庆文大爷不顾儿子反对报名相亲。崔大爷能把与老伴一起度过的时间精确计算到天，在她生病后能雷打不动每天喂饭、喂奶、喂果汁，但由于妻子丧失了语言能力，5年里崔大爷几乎没说过多少话。老伴离世后，积累的孤独全面爆发，“我在家里，就像是在被关禁闭”。说到这里，老人的眼泪夺眶而出。
那天，前来相亲的是已单身20年的金玉坤阿姨。相互了解情况后，金阿姨一句“不论是23天还是20年，孤单的滋味都是一样的”让崔大爷感动不已，“五年了，终于有人跟我唠知心嗑儿了”。
当场，两人决定要进一步相处。
同时主持着台里两档婚恋节目，计春燕发现，虽然年轻人总被催着恋爱结婚，但其实他们有很多方式让自己充实、快乐，爱情只是锦上添花。“可当人老了，什么事都忙完了，那时候情感才是真正的刚需”。
坦率，坦率，还是坦率
《缘来不晚》火出圈，始于78岁的张子富大爷。相亲现场，张大爷直言找老伴就是找个人伺候自己，把对方气得转身就走。目前这一视频全网点击量已接近1亿次。
很快，节目里许多过往的“硬核相亲”故事被挖了出来。62岁的唐桂芹阿姨见面就向男方要20万元彩礼，并表示这是硬性标准。因为觉得男嘉宾文化水平和身高不达标，75岁的女嘉宾刘桂英当面说了句十分押韵的“不是我的菜，我就这么坦率”。60岁的王传有车有房，年收入20余万元，他所倾心的女嘉宾姜欣提出的第一个疑问却是对方有糖尿病是否会影响生理功能，“就像智能手机和老年机，用不用是我的事，但功能要有”。
“很坦率、很坦率、很坦率。”被问及老年人婚恋的特点，冷冰把同一个说法重复了3遍。这种坦率甚至会产生一种“副作用”，黄小轩就不止一次被朋友问起：“节目里播的都是真的吗？”
这让黄小轩有些哭笑不得：栏目组既没有足够的经费，更没有足够的精力和能力来编排故事。
走过了生命的一大半路程，对于在感情中想要什么、能做什么，老年人往往比年轻人更清楚。红娘武玥秀喜欢用“可爱”来形容自己接触过的大多数老人，他们很少扭扭捏捏遮遮掩掩，想法都摆在台面上。
“年龄越来越大，他们不能像年轻人一样细水长流地谈一场恋爱，也不会再为了谁做大的改变。”武玥秀说。
《缘来不晚》栏目组会把老人的自身情况和择偶要求问得很明确，有没有慢性病，有没有住房，有没有退休金，退休前做什么工作，各方面条件的匹配程度至少要在50%以上才会考虑介绍双方认识。
然而即便这样，还是会有许多意外甚至匪夷所思的因素让相亲不成功。冷冰遇到过一对男女嘉宾各方面都很谈得来，可得知男方家住在7楼，大姐当即就表态：“那不行，我上不去。”
Living on several floors is not a problem for young people and middle-aged people.
But when you are in your 70s, one party has bad legs, and the other party can't afford to change a room for someone they just met. This is a practical problem.
After Uncle Zhang Zifu became popular, there were a lot of comments criticizing him on the Internet, which made the uncle very aggrieved. One year before his death, he was bedridden and unable to take care of himself, and it was all Uncle Zhang who was busy waiting for him.
Over time, the matchmakers found that many of the requests made by the elderly were related to past experiences and feelings.
When a female guest was in her 30s, her husband was paralyzed in bed, and she had to endure it for 20 years. The biggest condition for a blind date is that the other party must be healthy in all aspects.
Some people's ex-husbands are alcoholics. As long as they hear that the male guests will drink, they will refuse.
Those who have suffered through arranged marriages, both men and women, attach great importance to feeling.
Aunt Tang, who asked for a dowry of 200,000 yuan, was mentioned by several matchmakers.
She didn't get a marriage certificate with the last person she got along with. The other party said that she was more than ten years younger, and she also used Aunt Tang as a personal nanny.
A few years later, the old man died, and his children kicked Aunt Tang out of the house.
She was afraid of being cheated and wanted a guarantee.
Eyes come first, everything else comes second
Wang Chuan signed up for "It's Not Too Late" and named Jiang Xin on a blind date.
He had watched Jiang Xin's short film on the Internet, and felt that the other party had a good temperament and spoke simply and neatly.
In order to win Jiang Xin's favor, Uncle Wang, who has never paid attention to romance all his life, even bought a bunch of flowers before meeting.
Among the male and female guests who came to the show, there were not many people with clear goals like Wang Chuan. Most of them had to rely on the staff to try to introduce them after several rounds of interviews.
It's just that many times, the conditions that can be seen and told can be matched, but the "eye edge" that is unclear and unclear is elusive.
After seeing each other for the first time, whether or not there is an eye relationship to a large extent determines the atmosphere of a meeting.
Huang Xiaoxuan met a guest who felt unworthy after seeing each other, turned and hid in the room, pulled off the microphone and said that he would not record.
Some people are not so direct, but if the blind date is enthusiastic and active, they will either start picking on the other party's thick arms and short legs, or they will keep "self-defeating", saying that their body is not good, that it is not good, not necessarily. How long can you live.
Wu Yuexiu once tried to analyze what "eye relationship" is. She feels that female guests have a good appearance and temperament, while male guests are not masculine and clean, and it is relatively easy to close their eyes. is a plus.
However, there are times when this standard fails.
不久前，黄小轩接触了一对男女嘉宾，两人都是长春农村地区的，女嘉宾条件不太好冬天时家里冻得住不了人，男嘉宾吃穿不愁可老伴去世后很多事要靠孩子照应。看了两人各自的采访片，全栏目组都觉得有戏。在短视频平台上不少网友也评论说“太合适了”。
“可最后，就是没成。”黄小轩说，两人见面后都没有太多不满意的地方，但那时候女嘉宾才说，自己在农村苦了大半辈子，希望往后能去城里生活。
《缘来不晚》短视频账号下，常有网友给栏目组的嘉宾配对出谋划策，也有人批评红娘“瞎介绍”，“可谁和谁合不合适，真不是旁人说了算的。”武玥秀说，现在栏目里条件差距最大的一对，女方是在高校做助理的81岁退休阿姨，男方是没房没退休金的74岁农村大爷，可阿姨就觉得这是自己想找的人，两人直到现在都过得挺好。
老人们对感情的不将就出乎很多人的意料。68岁的金吉祥因为爱干净而且外形性格都不错，是栏目组的“香饽饽”，但同时也是一块“硬骨头”。红娘郝婉旭先后介绍了4位相中他的女嘉宾，都因为各种原因没能过金大爷的眼缘关。到最后一位阿姨时，金大爷嫌对方戴了个眼镜，郝婉旭劝他没有十全十美的人，可金吉祥说，自己前两段婚姻都败在将就上，这一次不能再重蹈覆辙。
老来相亲，很多人都清楚，在满足基本生活之外，物质已没有太多意义。这时候，他们对感情的期待可能反而比年轻人更纯粹。“我大半生都处于一段陪伴型婚姻中，从来没有体验过炽烈的激情，直到死亡的脚步越来越近，才认真地想要爱一次。”一位阿姨曾在镜头前这样说。
去年11月，全网出名的张子富大爷也“脱单”了。74岁的赵慧英阿姨在电视上看过张大爷后相中了他的“倔”，张大爷对此大赞赵阿姨“识货”。两人一拍即合决定“处处看”。
看的不是相亲，是人生百态
《缘来不晚》不是那种可以熊熊燃烧经费的节目。每次去老人家采访，都是一个红娘和两个摄像记者乘公共交通工具前往。采访之外，红娘还要负责写稿和剪辑工作。
But it is the program of such a local TV station's life channel, which is not only popular in Jilin Province, but also has accumulated a large number of fans online.
Some people rely on it for meals every day, and some people leave a message on the official account "I can't see the lower part of breathing" to urge the update.
In Leng Bing's view, "truth" is the biggest feature of "It's Not Too Late", just as some netizens commented: "It's not about blind dates, it's about life."
In order to let the old people show their true self to the greatest extent, the matchmakers seldom judge their thoughts, and remind them to express their needs actively, "Otherwise, if there is no filter of the show, even if the two have a successful blind date at the time, they will get along in the future. There may also be problems." Huang Xiaoxuan said.
There will be regrets in reality.
The most fearful thing for a matchmaker is to make an appointment for an interview, and when I can't find anyone in the elderly community, I turn off the phone.
It is often the guest who regrets it.
Huang Xiaoxuan once matched a pair of uncles and aunts, and the two have a lot in common.
But after getting along for a few months, his uncle's son who was working in another place wanted to pick him up to live there. Although Auntie and Huang Xiaoxuan had done a lot of work, in the face of family affection, the man still chose to give up.
The entanglement of children and grandchildren is another major factor that affects the blind date of the elderly in addition to their own conditions and eyesight.
The pensions of male guests are more than enough to live on, but when it comes to having a son and not starting a family, many female guests will retreat, "In reality, there is no way."
There are also men and women who are not in the same city, but both are satisfied with each other in every way.
But the woman proposed to take care of her grandson locally to go to kindergarten, but the man was unwilling. "It's too hard for me to wait another year and a half when I'm old."
There are also children who know the existence of "It's Not Too Late" and take the initiative to sign up for their father or mother on the official account.
A daughter who was married far away made a video call when her father went on a blind date to say, "I support whatever my father likes."
69-year-old Aunt Sun Shuqing participated in the blind date, and her three sons showed up to help her out. The blind date Uncle Tian Chun was also accompanied by two daughters.
In the end, under the witness of their children, the two succeeded in "hand in hand".
In addition to bringing ratings and clicks to the show, Ji Chunyan feels that the longer-term effect is to let more and more old people face their emotional needs, and let more and more young people realize that their elders have the pursuit of happiness. Right, "It is a great progress that this matter can be noticed and discussed openly."
Today, the column group of "It's Not Too Late" receives an average of 80 middle-aged and elderly people applying for blind dates every day, and a considerable proportion of them are applicants in Beijing, Wuhan, Xiamen and other cities.
"They will really make a special trip to Changchun to record the show." Leng Bing said that at a time when group pensions and mutual support for the elderly are becoming more and more common, many elderly people do not think the distance is insurmountable. It is home, and it can also move with the seasons.”
get older
A few months after successfully matching Wang Chuan and Jiang Xin, Wu Yuexiu received a "complaint" call from Uncle Wang, saying that Aunt Jiang was too petty and hypocritical, and she wanted to hug and hug in front of others.
Aunt Jiang also complained that the other party was not careful enough, and she stumbled on the road and didn't know how to ask a few questions.
Listening to the tone, both of them have the idea of breaking up.
Regardless of whether a blind date is successful or not, many elderly people will regard the matchmaker as the object of their best friend.
For a while, a female guest of Huang Xiaoxuan called her at five or six in the morning and another at eleven or twelve at night.
"I also joked that you can really get up early and be greedy for the dark." Huang Xiaoxuan said, apart from emotional matters, the persimmon tree in the yard has borne fruit, and the heating in the house is not hot. Today, I met an old acquaintance, and it was the old man who called the matchmaker. The origin of the call.
Maintaining long-term contact with the show guests is a professional requirement of the matchmaker, and it is also the heartfelt wish of this group of young girls. "An answer to a phone call or a WeChat message is a matter of a few minutes for us, but it means a lot to the elderly." Hao Wanxu said Her mother also said to her: "You are doing a good deed and accumulating virtue for yourself."
Wu Yuexiu's trick for Wang Chuan and Jiang Xinzhi is to think about it calmly, whether there is more mutual appreciation in addition to the differences in the pursuit of "romance".
After a while, the two reconciled.
"Is it normal for a post-90s generation to watch this every day?" "I am a post-00s generation and also like to watch it." On social platforms, the audience of "It's Not Too Late" is mainly young people, and they even set up a fan group.
Leng Bing thinks that this is because the show can make people "preview" what kind of experience it is to get old.
Young people, whether they want to get married or do not want to get married, can find cases to calibrate their thoughts and concepts.
"How many people don't have the opportunity to be themselves until old age. After watching it, young people may be able to think more clearly about what is most important in life." A fan of the show said.
The 12 matchmakers were the first to be affected.
Huang Xiaoxuan has been married for many years without having children.
After seeing the loneliness and practical difficulties in life of many childless elderly people for more than a year, she also began to understand the feelings of the elders "giving birth". "If you are alone in your old age, you will always have children."
Hao Wanxu, born in 1999, is currently the youngest matchmaker.
Although she has been in the industry for less than a year, now she not only spends more time with the elderly at home, when she encounters wedding banquets and birthday banquets, she does not just bury her head and work hard like many of her peers. Relatives, I can also chat with each other for a long time."
In his spare time, the column group of "It's Not Too Late" has developed a style of cultivating hobbies and specialties. Some people practice calligraphy, and some people learn cross stitch.
Because everyone thinks that there is no one skill, it is difficult to find a partner when you are old.
Under a report on a middle-aged and elderly blind date story, the most liked message was left by a 30-year-old young man: Don't worry, I can sign up in 15 years.
(At the request of the interviewee, Wang Chuan and Jiang Xin are pseudonyms in the text)
Our reporter Peng Bing Liu Shanshan