Plans with your children and your ex, true friends or just a pose?

• Oscar's love.

  From happiness to heartbreak, and vice versa

"When

ends, the

remain ", affirms

lawyer and general director of the Association of Mediators of Spain, ASEMED. He knows it well because his work at the head of this non-profit organization always has them very much in mind; "The goal is to build a bridge of

that connects a couple even if they decide to go their separate ways," he says, stating that 75% of those who sit at a round table with a

when they break up their relationship they come to an agreement that is good for both of them. And, above all, good for the other great protagonists in a separation, the children, "the most vulnerable part of a story, with a script that not only they have not written, but, in most cases, they do not understand either" , comments

, president of the Madrid Association of Mediators (AMM) and author of the book 'Papá y mama se se sen' (ed. Morata).

The son of

was five years old when they all faced this situation. The couple did not go to a mediator; when they

, after nine years of marriage, this legal figure, fundamental in Great Britain since the end of the 1980s, was hardly known in Spain. But theirs was an

that has allowed them to continue "being great

," says María Luisa. After a life they shared, among other things, the same lawyer to take them through the process.

"I did not decide to separate, it was him, but after spending a year trying to save our relationship and seeing that there was no way to

it, I was the one who took the step of starting the

and looking for a lawyer. I had to end it because I was destroying", explains María Luisa. At that time, I was still in love. "I loved, and still love, very much the father of my child," she says.

Like some of the many couples that break up in our country -according to figures from the National Institute of Statistics (INE) more than 80,000 during 2020, a fairly high

although 15.8% lower than in 2019- and although it is not usual, María Luisa and Eugenio, who were then 35 and 40 years old, respectively, managed to separate feelings and maintain the

at that difficult point of

that allowed them to continue being a family when each one was already on their own.

They spent together, with their son, family

, parties, birthdays... and even weekends on a regular basis. "The three of us went out to spend the day in the field, we went to eat, to play bowling... We even sponsored two puppies, the illusion of my son, which brought us together every

to go to the shelter to see them. When Some time later we adopted them, I spent several days living in my ex's house, with the child, because I was the one who knew how we should take care of them. We stayed a lot

, and we had a good time, "recalls María Luisa.

But how is it possible to continue having that good relationship when the breakup has left your

touched? "I recognize that from the first moment what both my heart and my head asked me for was for him to disappear from my

, to leave me

for a while. But we had a little boy. And that's where I put the medal. My father is an element so important in my life, I consider it such a

, that I always knew I didn't want my son to grow up without his father," he says.

"Staying friends after a breakup can be an overly

and uncomfortable request for some parents, but it's within the possibilities," explains

, a psychologist at TherapyChat. "As incredible as it may seem, there are ex-partners who prefer and manage to maintain a friendship after the breakup. They share a past together, they have built a life of memories and

, and the fact that they are no longer a

couple does not mean that they should be lost .

of sight forever, especially if there are children involved". It's

When their relationship has been based on a solid friendship, he says, "they are even surprised to discover that they work better as friends than as a couple," says

This is what happened to María Luisa and Eugenio. "He was never a very good husband, but he was a great father and a great

. In fact, there came a time when I realized that I was leaning on my

to get ahead of my divorce. And that's when I had to change, because it was very hard for me. I did not want to

, I was happy. I had a real hot flash, "says María Luisa.

What is the key that allows you to park

and achieve that new family situation that transmits "a lesson of mutual respect and gives calm and security to children", we asked

, family mediator and psychologist? "Normal, that's the word," he replies. You have to "continue to relate to your children in the same way, without entering into

or prominence and without invading the space of the other," explains de Pablo. "The family hasn't disappeared, it's just different."

That the separated couple carry out some joint activity with their children makes children see that their parents are not at

, "which allows them to be spontaneous and show their

without the fear that neither will get angry," says the expert, "Although if one of the parents has not

the separation and it is painful to be with their ex, it is better to leave it for another time."

In this sense, de Pablo recommends choosing an activity that does not imply "a great

", to prevent it from "triggering unresolved tensions, opening wounds or causing painful

. Especially at the beginning it is better to be cautious and go from less to plus".

The most difficult moment for María Luisa when it came to breaking up the relationship revolved around her son. "It's the only thing I was

about ; the child stayed with me, I had custody, sharing the responsibilities of course." Only 41.4% of the breakups that took place in 2020 were in

"He was very young and he lived it all as an adventure, so I tried to sell it to him: I change houses, schools...

," he explains. But in that life there were still three. So much so that her

-husband 's subsequent partners

insisted on meeting her -"she must have spoken very highly of me", she joked when commenting on it-, and the two managed to maintain the

life they had built together, "although some friends decided

taking sides for no reason at all; it's something that still surprises me," he says.

A situation that is not without

either . "It can end with what we know as 'the Celestina child', the one who tries to reconcile his parents," says

. The son of María Luisa and Eugenio maintained hope for years. "Although he saw that several women were passing by his father's house, he cried the day I finally decided to introduce him to mine. He had already turned 12, but he still

us to fix things," he says.

To avoid this, "it is better to speak clearly to them and not give them false

", explains the psychologist

, "explain to them very tactfully that this is not going to happen and avoid talking about

towards your ex, so as not to

them . It is good to get the idea out in the light, because it helps them stop wondering about it; it doesn't stop them from wanting it, but it will help in the long run.

This is what María Luisa and Eugenio did.

"When the child was old enough to understand it, we told him things clearly, making him see without

that his father and I love each other very much, but in a different way. It was never difficult for us to make plans together, we

it , but we always acted with common sense" .

Because it is important that adults "know how to set

so as not to return to

; after all, the relationship was broken for a reason," concludes María Mavji.

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