When I was recently at an event at my graduate school where other doctoral students were giving lectures on their dissertation projects, I suddenly felt: I don't belong here, I thought. I'm just fooling everyone. I'm not smart, disciplined, or creative enough to do a PhD. I'm afraid that one day everyone will notice my incompetence. I felt like I had illegally entered an academic world where I didn't deserve a place. What I experience in these moments has a name: impostor or impostor phenomenon. This is a complex personality construct. People affected by this phenomenon,are often plagued by fear of failure and great self-doubt about their own achievements and abilities. Instead of recognizing their own merits, they attribute their successes to factors such as luck or chance over which they have no control.
For a long time, I assumed that the majority of my internships, studies and jobs had so far primarily been because lecturers and employers liked me. When reading my job references, I usually only noticed how my friendliness and optimism were praised. Instead, I deliberately ignored the passages in the text that referred to aspects such as professional competence, knowledge or reliability. As a result, I internalized thought patterns that ensure that I have developed a rather weird self-perception.
In order to compensate for doubts about my abilities, I have developed certain mechanisms: I set high standards for myself and set myself big goals, but rarely take proper breaks on the way and often have trouble leaving my desk in the evening .
If I don't manage my workload, I get nervous, blame myself and sleep poorly.
So I think a certain level of stress helps maintain a certain image - for myself and for others.
I want to suggest to others that I'm making progress and that I know what I'm doing - and I want to believe that myself.
Comparing oneself as a typical phenomenon
In reality there is a struggle with myself that I wage between the two poles of procrastination and perfectionism.
I try to achieve the goals I have set myself and not make mistakes, but I immediately postpone my tasks and distract myself as soon as I fear that I will not be able to achieve them well.
Alternatively, I do everything I can to work as hard as possible on a project, but I am mostly dissatisfied with the results.
In fact, I am by no means alone with these questions and problems - the phenomenon is, to varying degrees, particularly widespread in the academic environment.
But how are other students at my university in Göttingen who are also affected by the imposter phenomenon?
Tabea *, who is studying North American Studies as a Master’s degree, often has to struggle with self-doubts that block her. When she and other students were invited to a conference in another city as part of a seminar, she was initially very enthusiastic about the offer and registered. However, she withdrew her registration shortly after hearing her fellow students talking about the conference. Tabea began to compare herself with the other students, admired her competence and her commitment and at the same time felt a great uncertainty about her own abilities. Comparing oneself with others is a typical phenomenon that is particularly encouraged at the university by the fact that there is high expectation and pressure to perform in many subjects. Regular testsExams and homework can also create feelings of competition.