"Parenting helper" or "contradictory fuse"?

How to solve the pain of "intergenerational care"

  "Inter-generational care" is one of the main forms of childcare in my country.

In a period when young people are getting busier and busier in work and the family's intergenerational relationship is transforming from traditional to modern, family parenting is often in a state where two generations are on the battlefield.

It is difficult for people to simply categorize the two generations as "selfless devotees" and "selfish egoists", because what is presented to people is not simple good or bad, but a mixture of realistic compromise and emotional transfer. , The fuzzy margins of responsibility and the inevitable variegated picture of intergenerational conflicts.

  In a sense, "intergenerational upbringing" on the one hand is the "helper" of contemporary small families, on the other hand, it has also become the fuse of family conflicts and the conflicts between parenting concepts.

  Young couples are often in a state of powerlessness due to their busy work and lack of more quality parenting resources.

However, relying on the older generation to bring children may face various problems such as the sharp increase in physical and mental pressure of the elderly, the increase in the quality of life in the later years, the reduction of the willingness to raise children, the unwillingness to bring children, and the lack of scientific raising ability.

  Under the same roof, the multiple intimate relationships within the family are facing a series of challenges and tests, colliding and tearing between tradition and modernity, and swaying and entangled between independence and dependence.

  To relieve the burden of "inter-generational parenting" has become the call of thousands of families; the development of socialized inclusive childcare services has become the expectation of the "three-child era".

 Part I: The new "three generations under one roof" are perilous

Half a month talks reporter Ai Fumei Li Ping

  The grandparents' help in raising children is a tradition that has lasted for thousands of years in our country.

However, with the rapid development of the times and the rapid transformation of society, young parents continue to expand their living and working radius, their knowledge level continues to improve, and their conceptual differences with the older generation gradually deepen. The continuing family model of three generations living together has led to endless contradictions.

  In some families with deep conflicts, tremendous mental pressure binds every family member.

Especially for the elderly who cannot find channels for venting and whose health is getting worse, they are in a more unfavorable state.

"After raising a son and raising a grandson," does it mean that the elderly have a sense of support?

As the years go by, should the elderly continue to exert their "light-burning spirit" or live for themselves?

  In the face of reality, many families can only move forward in the torn and stumbling of parenting across generations, and many elderly people have to continue to compromise and sacrifice under the appearance of "the grandparents and grandchildren live together in harmony".

  1

  Grandparents and grandchildren are in the same house, hard to prepare

  The ancestors and grandchildren under one roof are not only a continuation of blood, but also a testimony of family affection.

The birth of grandchildren often makes the elderly feel joy and happiness, but the "separation of generations", three generations under one roof, under the hardening of reality, some families have also planted thunder that may be detonated at any time.

  58-year-old Zhang Qiaoxia has been very busy recently, and her 4-year-old granddaughter has become more clingy after catching a cold.

Zhang Qiaoxia not only has to take the massage alone, she also has to take care of her food and drink, and patiently accompany her to play.

"The son-in-law can only come back from work on weekends in the field, and my daughter is also busy at work, working overtime every day, so I can only bear and worry about it," she said.

  Zhang Qiaoxia is from Guyuan, Ningxia. After retiring three years ago, she went to Chengdu to help her only daughter with her baby.

Her wife has not retired yet, and in recent years she can only go back home in a hurry during holidays or when there is something to do.

"My wife has no one to take care of him at home. I am very worried, but if I stay one more day, my daughter will have to ask for leave or take the child to the work unit, which is very inconvenient."

  As a dual-career family, Zhang Qiaoxia's daughter was raised by her parents.

Therefore, even though her old rheumatism is more serious in Chengdu, her childcare is complicated and trivial, and her responsibilities are stressful, Zhang Qiaoxia still feels that this is her duty.

  Old people like Zhang Qiaoxia are everywhere.

For Grandpa Yan, who lives in Yinchuan, since the two sons got married and gave birth to children, the couple became "Cowherd and Weaver Girl", helping one son to take care of the children, and only get together on weekends.

More than a decade later, when the child grows up, just when the old couple feels that they "are about to be liberated", when a son gives birth to a second child, they can only continue to "light up and heat up."

  In our country, it is very common for ancestors to help take care of children in both rural and urban areas.

  The “Study on the Participation of Grandfathers in Chinese Urban Family Parenting” conducted by the Family Education Committee of the Chinese Education Society in 2017 in 6 cities including Beijing, Guangzhou, and Chengdu showed that 79.7% of urban families have their grandparents participating in the upbringing of children and their children’s age The smaller the size, the higher the proportion of ancestors involved in upbringing.

  When visiting communities, parks, and schools, it is not difficult to find that not only are the elderly people who take their children to walk around and play with their children, but also the elderly who take the responsibility of transporting them to and from school.

In a community square, the reporter from Banyue Tan saw a white-haired grandmother carrying a scooter, struggling to chase her little granddaughter, panting.

"I didn't think it was too difficult to bring my granddaughter back then. Now I can't keep up with my physical strength and energy. If I don't chase, I'm afraid that something will happen. It's difficult to chase and not catch up!"

  2

  When "empiricalism" meets "scientific parenting"

  Although grandparents have more life experience and are more tolerant of making mistakes in their children’s growth process, they can make up for the shortcomings of young parents to a certain extent and neutralize their parenting anxiety. However, this model has caused some family conflicts and conflicts. Social issues cannot be ignored either.

  From "whether to shave your hair" to "how many clothes to wear", from "salt eating vigorously" to "chasing and feeding", from "setting rules here" to "being used to troubles over there"... Since the birth of her daughter, Ms. Zhang and The quarrel between parents about how to bring their children has never stopped.

  Wang Shulian, an expert in psychology at Ningxia University, said that the biggest drawback of inter-generational parenting is that grandparents are more inclined to traditional experience and cannot keep up with the times. They are different from young parents in educational concepts and methods.

At the same time, inter-generational parents still lack boundary awareness and principles when raising children, which breeds family conflicts.

  "Don't talk about ordinary grandparents, I am an expert in psychology, but when facing my grandchildren, sometimes I will swing in the role of grandmother and expert. From the perspective of an expert, I should say'no' to some of the children's requirements and behaviors. But as a grandmother, looking at her lovely grandson will relax her demands." Wang Shulian said.

  Wang Shulian believes that taking care of a child is a matter that requires all the physical strength and energy, and it lasts a long time. This is self-evident for the 60s or 70s.

No matter how well the elderly are taken care of, young parents must first be grateful, look more at their strengths, and don't always stare at their weaknesses.

The elderly must also keep pace with the times. Our medical and health concepts and educational concepts have undergone tremendous changes compared to decades ago. Don't always use old experience to speak of things, but believe in science.

  3

  Don't let the old man's old age be too overdrawn

  Inter-generational parenting created the "old drifters", which gave rise to many problems.

The elderly are generally considered to be a less mobile group. However, as young people go further and further, in order to support the careers of their children and take care of their grandchildren, the elderly have to "float" in unfamiliar cities, facing language barriers and cultural barriers. Differences, separation of the two places, difficulty in seeking medical treatment in different places, and other issues.

  Zhang Qiaoxia said that although she has already filed for medical treatment in a different place, she can only enjoy the preferential policies when she is hospitalized. It is unrealistic to go back to her hometown for outpatient medical treatment, and it is expensive at her own expense.

"Many elderly people in the community who come to visit their babies from other places are facing this problem. Everyone is helpless. I especially hope that the government can solve it as soon as possible."

  Wang Ping, an associate researcher at the Intelligent Social Governance Research Center of Zhijiang Laboratory, believes that the elderly nowadays are not the same as before. The rising demand for high-quality elderly care and childcare have created conflicts.

At present, many elderly people have much higher requirements for the happiness and quality of life in their later years than the previous generation.

They have a need for self-independence, especially in some developed coastal areas, not only in cities, but also in some rural areas.

They no longer regard themselves as individuals who serve their children or unconditionally contribute to their families, but think that they should have a high-quality life and have their own right to live freely.

  What's more, it may be reasonable to have children with elderly people when they are not that old. If they are old, it is really unreasonable to let them do such hard work, or even have two children and three children.

  Although many families are aware of the problem of inter-generational parenting, the economic conditions of most ordinary families do not allow one of the couples to resign. The uneven level of housekeeping services also makes them worry about the nanny bringing the baby alone, so they can only take the inter-generation Parenting goes through to the end.

Part II: Family conflicts broke out in the multiple "twisting" intimacy

Liang Chen Wang Chunyan Li Ping

  When a family has a child, while joy and happiness, new contradictions and problems come unexpectedly, causing headaches.

When the maternity leave is over and young people need to return to society, the elders "get on their feet" and become the main force in parenting.

Between two generations who were in peace, conflicts may grow hidden.

  The family is the smallest unit of society. The ever-changing reality of life and the collision of values ​​and the intergenerational gap have caused multiple intimate relationships under the same roof to face many variables, and family conflicts are prone to occur frequently.

  1

  Nothing is right!

  "What I did is wrong!" If I hadn't heard it with my own ears, it would be hard to believe that the same sentence appeared among the mother and daughter who were accusing each other.

  Li Xianhua, a 65-year-old man, helped his daughter with his grandson for two years, and felt aggrieved.

In her opinion, it was a sacrifice to help with the children after she retired. However, her daughter was not only not grateful, but also dissatisfied with many of her behaviors, and accused her of raising the children in the wrong way.

  “Don’t buy snacks for your child casually, it’s unhealthy; you can’t add soy sauce to your child’s cooking, it’s unhealthy; the toys you buy are not good, the clothes you buy are not good; don’t say he is timid, don’t scare him; don’t show him his mobile phone. "Li Xianhua said a lot in one breath.

  Li Xianhua's daughter, Liu Na, was also very wronged. She admitted that her mother had sacrificed a lot, but she could not think that everything she did was right just because the old man helped with the child.

  Liu Na said that since her mother lived with her, she seemed to have become an ignorant child again. Nowhere was right.

"I seem to be controlled by her all the time, it's maddening."

  Contradictions like Li Xianhua and Liu Na, once they happen between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, will be aggravated.

  What embarrassed Song Hao born in the 1980s was that his mother, who lived under the same roof, did not understand the consumption habits of their husband and wife.

"Is it enough to buy so many shoes? Is it enough to carry so many bags?" "I keep saying that the mortgage is under pressure, why do I always order takeaways?" Song Hao didn't know how to explain, so the old man was relieved.

  2

  Modern life tests traditional intimacy

  -Sharing by husband and wife, testing the "partner" relationship

  Huangmei opera sings "the husband and wife both return home", but in the current real life, the "dual workers" are busy and may need "996", may need to party for entertainment, many people have to go through long commutes and crowded through the evening peak to get home. It is difficult for both parties to eat together.

  In this case, if there is too much difficulty in parenting, it will cause excessive pressure on the parents of the child, and this pressure is easily transmitted to the child, which is not conducive to the healthy growth of the child.

At present, many one-child families are facing difficulties in raising children. If you consider the second and third children, they will face more challenges.

  Marriage makes husbands and wives "partners." When facing family responsibilities and obligations, they should clearly divide labor, fight side by side, share responsibilities, and provide each other with warmth and strength support. No one can stay alone and take care of themselves.

  ——Keep the boundaries and test the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law

  The relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law has always been called the eternal problem of the family, which is similar and universal.

Based on the tradition of our country, mother-in-law or mother-in-law come to help in childcare.

The mother-in-law and daughter-in-law were not related by blood, but became relatives because of a marriage.

After having children, the mother-in-law likes to share the burden for the son, watch the growth of the grandchildren, and like to use her own experience to guide the daughter-in-law, which often leads to the resentment of the daughter-in-law with modern consciousness.

The mother-in-law and daughter-in-law have lived together for a long time, and the relationship is not handled well, which will increase the conflicts between the husband and the wife, which will intensify the conflicts in the family.

  The key to getting along with mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is to grasp a certain degree and keep their own boundaries.

It is best to help each other without crossing the boundary at will.

  ——Chong and drowning dependence, test the relationship between grandparents and grandchildren

  People often say "alternatively".

Indeed, the feelings of the elderly towards their children are not the same as the feelings of their parents towards their children.

However, the shortcomings are also relatively obvious-the elderly have problems such as intergenerational pets.

  There is also a particularly important point, that is, the two generations have different knowledge levels, different visions, and different levels of reaction.

Therefore, if the elderly bring children, they are definitely different from their parents, including differences in the control of electronic products, acceptance of the entire information society, and communication with schools.

  In a three-generation family, the parents of the child should be the core.

Parents have direct responsibilities and obligations to their children, and they should not leave the matter to the elderly, and communicate and explain with the elderly.

The elderly should not regard their grandchildren as all their emotional sustenance, or even compete for their grandchildren.

The elderly should guide their children in the right way, adhere to principles and bottom lines, and not condone children's behaviors that are not conducive to growth.

The so-called "Parents love their sons, they will have far-reaching plans." Since the elderly have assumed part of the responsibilities of their parents, they should also adhere to this principle.

At the same time, it is necessary to have a clear "sense of boundaries", do not "protect shortcomings" when parents educate their children, and maintain the dignity of parents.

  -Separation of old people to test the relationship between wives

  The most serious problem facing the elderly in taking care of the third generation is the separation of old couples who have spent their lives together.

  Because women tend to be better at taking care of children and retire earlier, it is often the grandmother or grandmother who takes care of their grandchildren, while the grandfather or grandfather is doing farming, working, or taking care of older elders.

Many elderly people sigh with emotion, when is the time to take care of the baby?

Being an "old drifter" in a big city has many problems. Physical and psychological discomfort, loneliness, and low self-esteem often come to my heart, but no one talks about it. I still miss my wife in my hometown.

  From the perspective of social management, we should implement the elderly’s off-site medical insurance measures, establish mental health departments for the elderly in community hospitals, standardize the housekeeping nanny market, and guarantee retirement payments.

From the family level, parents of children should assume the main responsibility of raising children, be grateful to the elderly for their help, pay more attention to their physical and mental health, and encourage elderly people living in two places to have more video chats.

Occasionally give the elderly "holidays" so that they can go home and reunite. When the children can go to school on their own, they will end their separated life as soon as possible.

  3

  Intimacy also needs to be "disconnected" appropriately

  In fact, it is not difficult to see that among the above-mentioned relationships, only the relationship between husband and wife is the most basic. The relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law and grandparents should not be tied together at all times.

Many families are still unable to "break away" these close relationships either out of practical pressure or out of family affection: on the one hand, the elderly bear physical and mental pressure to help their children take care of the family, but on the other hand, they cannot do without their children and grandchildren. Feeling: On the one hand, children have many complaints about parenting in the next generation, on the other hand, they can’t bear the pressure of not having the help of the elderly.

Therefore, contradictions will emerge again and again.

  A moderate “break away” in an intimate relationship does not mean abandoning family affection.

No matter how good family affection is, it also needs breathing space. The traditional three-generation family model is obviously unable to adapt to the current society.

How to complete the transition from a traditional family to a modern family as soon as possible is a problem that both families and society must face.

  Song Jian, deputy director of the Population and Development Research Center of Renmin University of China, believes that living under the same roof, different generations have different living habits and lifestyles, which will inevitably cause friction and mutual adaptability problems. Housing prices remain high and living spaces are relatively small. This is especially true of urban families.

  Behind such family conflicts is actually the issue of the reasonable sharing of childcare responsibilities.

Whether grandparents willingly assume the responsibility of caring for their grandchildren or choose to enjoy a relaxed and free old age, they should be recognized and respected.

At present, it is necessary to improve the socialized inclusive childcare services as soon as possible to relieve the family’s difficulty in parenting.

(The author Liang Chen is the editor of the Press and Propaganda Center of the Ministry of Industry and Information Technology, and Wang Chunyan and Li Ping are reporters for Banyue Talk)

 Part II: The knot of "intergenerational upbringing", let the public service solve it

Half-month talk reporter Yuan Qiuyue Tian Xiaohang Li Ping

  The care of children aged 0 to 3 years lies in the eyes of young parents, and lies on the shoulders of their grandparents.

In order to solve this problem, social public services such as childcare and parent-child early education centers are being explored and developed continuously.

  In this process, from top-level design to grassroots implementation, there are still many problems that need to be resolved urgently.

  1

  Explore multiple childcare services

  "Sending the child off is a life saver." Wang Lin and her lover, who live in the Chengdu High-tech Zone, are in the midst of their careers. Their son is almost 2 years old, and they are taken care of by the elders of both parties.

The excessive indulgence of the elderly caused the children to become more and more temperamental, and the grandmother and grandmother with underlying diseases also fell ill due to fatigue.

  Through a friend's introduction, Wang Lin found a nursery school in the community, entered the kindergarten at 8 in the morning, picked up the baby at 5 in the afternoon, and had three meals a day at the nursery school.

After entering the nursery for two months, the elderly gradually recovered, the children's life became more regular, and they also learned to eat on their own, instead of chasing and feeding at home.

  Yang Wenzhuang, Director of the Department of Population Monitoring and Family Development of the National Health Commission, introduced that since 2019, the state has issued multiple documents that have put forward clear requirements for vigorously developing childcare services, reducing the cost of childbirth, parenting, and education, and initially established childcare service standards. Specification system.

  In August of this year, the National Development and Reform Commission issued an investment of 7 billion yuan in the central budget for 2021 to support the establishment of the pension and childcare service system.

The "Fourteenth Five-Year Plan" actively responds to the population aging project and nursery education construction implementation plan clearly pointed out that it is necessary to further improve the conditions of the old-age care and nursery service infrastructure, and continue to develop and improve the inclusive nursery service system.

  In addition to childcare services, local communities and early education institutions are also actively exploring diversified methods to empower early education and reduce the burden of families with children.

  At the “Tong Meng Parent-child Garden” of the Tianchang Community Party and Mass Service Center in Chengdu, nearly 60-year-old Liao Ling took her 2-year-old granddaughter Yu Wan, and danced happily with her teacher along with the early childhood song “Baby Shark”.

At the end of the song, the fish ball played a tossing ball under the guidance of the teacher.

This kind of parent-child early lesson is 45 minutes, plus the play before and after class, fish balls can stay here for half a day every day from Monday to Friday, and the monthly fee is 499 yuan.

  “Before the shopping malls, parks, and communities were all annoying. I don’t know what to bring, and I’m very tired. I’ll teach her parents how to play with dolls when I go back.” Liao Ling, who moved from Xichang to Chengdu to help her daughter with her baby , I also made friends in the parent-child garden, and my life with my baby has become much more enjoyable.

  Guo Dan, Director of Psychology of Chengdu Tongmeng Social Work Service Center, said that setting up a place in front of the house to relieve the anxiety and pressure of the elderly with children alone, the demand is very strong.

The Tongmeng Parent-child Park has settled in the community party and mass service center through the "public welfare + low-cost fee" method to provide community residents with convenient and high-quality parent-child services.

  Tongmeng Parent-child Park has established more than 100 parent-child parks in 9 provinces including Sichuan, Guangdong and Jiangsu, serving more than 20,000 families with infants and young children aged 0 to 3 in the country. The distribution and scale are still expanding.

  In order to better explore the community family early education model, in March this year, the Jinniu District of Chengdu established the first district/county early childhood education and development research and training center in Sichuan Province.

In the past 3 years, the Jinniu Community Early Education Project has served more than 100,000 children and families aged 0 to 3 in the community.

  2

  Cost reduction is the key

  Yang Wenzhuang believes that to solve the problem of childbearing and parenting, it is necessary to pay close attention to the core problem of high childbearing and parenting costs, reduce costs, improve quality, standardize the charging standards of public and inclusive kindergartens, and vigorously develop inclusive childcare services.

  In order to strive to achieve the goal of 4.5 childcare places for infants and children under the age of 3 per 1,000 people in the 14th Five-Year Plan, governments at all levels have taken actions to encourage and guide social forces to participate in inclusive childcare.

  However, real problems such as high enrollment pressure, slow return on investment, and lack of clarity in the filing path have caused headaches for some companies that want to engage in inclusive childcare services.

  Chengdu Youli Planet Nursery Center is an inclusive nursery school that relies on the community. There are currently two campuses in Chengdu. The enrollment scale is about 45 people, and the fee is more than 2,000 yuan per month. It is a typical small and medium-sized general Huituo institutions.

  Zhou Ning, Chairman of Chengdu Youli Planet Nursery Service Co., Ltd., introduced that due to the low fees for inclusive nursery care, in the case of community discounts on utilities and rents for nursery schools, full class operation is required to ensure no loss, and enrollment pressure Very big.

Under normal operating conditions, it will take at least 4 years to pay back the cost, and it will be truly profitable in the 5th year.

  The enrollment problem is mainly reflected in three aspects: first, most children only have one year from nursery school to kindergarten, and the time for nursery school is short, and the mobility is high; second, the economic cost of surrogate support for the elderly in non-first-tier cities is acceptable, and the willingness to send nursery is more than that of Beijing, Shanghai, Guangzhou, etc. Cities are weaker; third, the childcare industry lacks professional marketing talents.

  In December last year, a chain of early education institutions that tried to operate community inclusive education in Chengdu ended in failure due to low pricing and insufficient student resources, and the funding chain broke after a few months of difficult operations.

  The operators of childcare institutions interviewed believe that many companies that are engaged in universal childcare initially hope to respond to the policy call and contribute to reducing the burden of social parenting.

In the process of handling childcare, they have indeed seen that many parents and elderly people are liberated from the burden of overwhelming parenting, and many family conflicts have been resolved. "But we have to'survive' first, and we hope that relevant departments can help us. Make suggestions and solve some practical problems."

  3

  Strengthen the rigidity of the system,

  Improve childcare legislation and policy system

  Education for the young and the elderly are both part of the country's basic public services. Only when the old and the young are promoted simultaneously can a joint force be formed.

The interviewed experts suggested that in order to avoid detours and wrong paths, the relevant legislation and existing childcare service policies should be further improved.

  The newly revised Population and Family Planning Law clearly stipulates the development principles, support measures, working mechanisms and penalties of childcare services, which provides legal guarantee for the standardized development of childcare services.

  Zhang Li, deputy dean of the School of Law of China University of Political Science and Law, believes that the implementation of childcare service policies requires strengthening of institutional rigidity.

He suggested that after the revision of the Population and Family Planning Law is completed, we should follow up in a timely manner, formulate laws and administrative regulations around childcare services, and clarify and fix the basic requirements in existing industry standards and guidelines in the form of legal norms, and fix the government The responsibilities of its related departments are clearly divided.

  Yang Wenzhuang expressed that it is necessary to continue to promote the development of inclusive childcare services, give full play to the leveraging effect of investment in the central budget, vigorously support social forces and public institutions, and develop community childcare service facilities and comprehensive childcare service institutions.

In particular, state-owned enterprises are encouraged to actively participate in the construction of the inclusive childcare service system promoted by governments at all levels.

  In addition, we should start with the establishment of parental confidence and scientifically set up quality and safety standards for nursery schools.

According to Zhang Li, the National Health Commission has organized and compiled the "Guidelines for Infant Injury Prevention in Nursery Institutions (for Trial Implementation)" and "Guidelines for Nursery Care Institutions (for Trial Implementation)". These measures will be formed with the revised Population and Family Planning Law in the future. Work together to boost the confidence of parents.

  In Zhang Li's view, the relevant competent authorities will also formulate family childcare management measures, regulate the healthy development of family childcare services, and support intergenerational care and family Mutual assistance and other care modes.

  Xia Xuemin, a part-time researcher at the Institute of Public Policy of Zhejiang University, believes that in order to better and more professionally take care of children aged 0 to 3 years old, we can encourage the development of a nursery career just like the development of nursing staff.

This is a formal profession, and there are many training channels. It can be verified in society, cultivated in schools, or through adult education, high-level vocational education, etc., to promote the transfer of in-service personnel.

  Source: "Ban Yue Tan Internal Edition" Issue 10, 2021. Original title: "Release the "Inter-generational Nurturing""