In "Sans Rendez-vous", the sexologist and psychoanalyst Catherine Blanc responds to Marie, a listener who wishes to have a child at the approach of his 30 years, but who notices that her companion for 4 years is put off by this idea.

She wants advice on how to bring it up.

The question of the first child in a couple is not always obvious.

In "Sans Rendez-vous", the psychoanalyst and sexologist Catherine Blanc answered the question of Marie, almost 30 years old, who wishes to have children but has not really managed to broach the subject with her husband for 4 years.

He's pointing, and she doesn't know how to talk to him about it.

Mary's question

"I would like to have children, but when I talk about it with my boyfriend it stresses him out and he shines. However, we are both approaching 30 and we've been together for four years. do not know what to do, do you have any advice to resolve the situation? "

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Catherine Blanc's response

“Being in a relationship, living a love story, that's one thing. We move forward a little in the long term, very quietly, without commitment. While obviously, having babies is a commitment. It is a responsibility of 'on another level. We can love the other very much but not be ready to completely abandon our function of child ourselves to become the parent of our own children. There are several stages like that, which we let go of our childhood.Sexuality is part of that, but parenthood even more so, and that can be very difficult.

There may also be other reasons that make the subject sensitive, such as the difficulty of engaging with the person you love.

No matter how much we love it, it's difficult to know if we will still love it tomorrow, if we will still be there, if we can always weave the same guideline ... It is easier to imagine that we will have all the possible freedoms when there is no child that when one has made some.

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Well, maybe it's a communication problem: either they haven't talked about it, and she wakes up at the dawn of her 30s and is very anxious because all of a sudden. suddenly, it's a hot topic.

We women don't always realize that we can be quite intrusive and directive enough on this subject, which is often a source of great anxiety for men.

Or they talked about it, but they talked about it 'when they were grown up'.

And do you know when to feel big?

But in this case, the subject seems unapproachable.

What to do ?

"You have to know what scares him. Why is he pointing himself? What does he mean when he says 'we'll see later'? Does that mean 'I'm afraid of being a father' or 'I don't feel capable of being a father', or 'I'm not quite sure how I feel'?

In any case, you have to be able to know what is behind this stress.

There can also be personal stories that make you very afraid. "

Should she issue an ultimatum?

"Fertility begins to decrease very slowly, of course, but from the age of 25. So we can understand that things are important to her and that love cannot arbitrate from renouncing motherhood, - except to decide for yourself clearly, and not imposed by the other.

However, the idea of ​​an ultimatum is a violent idea. Rather, we should simply say: 'you know, I won't necessarily be able to go beyond such and such a date', rather than saying 'I warn you on such and such a date, I will leave you'. It is about making his spouse understand 'I will not be able to go beyond because I would not want you to be at the origin of my impossibility, that your fears are at the origin of my absence of motherhood which makes me suffer and which could deteriorate our relationship because I will hold a grudge against you. "She can also hear that her companion is not able to have babies. This therefore raises the question of the durability of the couple."