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He's shopping.

I do the laundry.

We take turns taking our daughter to daycare and picking her up again.

It reads as if my friend and I had achieved what many couples - with and without children - strive for: the tasks are divided 50/50, everyone knows exactly what they have to do, nobody has to be frustrated because they are or she

does everything

and the partner

does nothing

.

But our reality is different.

We both push frustration, for different reasons.

Me, because in addition to shopping, laundry and transporting children, there are around 100 other small to larger tasks in everyday family life, most of which fall to me.

He, because he doesn't want to keep listening to lectures about what, in my opinion, he doesn't do anything.

We both want the same thing: share everything.

Not only the happiness of watching our child grow up - but also all the work that comes around it.

If both of them want that and have about the same amount of free time besides their gainful employment, shouldn't that actually be a sure-fire success?

Something that develops naturally because both basically feel responsible and that is why one of them lends a hand and then the other?

Only every third woman shares housework with her partner

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As a couple, we notice every day that it's not that easy.

And we are not the only ones: 84 percent of women and 73 percent of men said in a survey of 1,095 employed persons that they would ideally like to split the housework halfway and half.

But only 56 percent of the women surveyed and 54 percent of the men surveyed live this way.

Where do the rest find themselves?

Especially in the large group of those for whom the woman does the household chores.

That's what 40 percent of women and 38 percent of men said.

And that is just the status quo in relationships between academics who were predominantly surveyed for the study “(Digital) Work 2020: Equal Opportunities for Everyone?” By the social scientist Lore Funk and the professor of gender and diversity studies Barbara Schwarze.

On a social average, it is not every second woman, just every third woman who says that she shares the housework with her partner.

This is based on representative data from the Institute for Employment Research (IAB).

For all tasks related to children, from cooking meals to spending free time, the study by Funk und Schwarze shows a similar picture as with housework.

The vast majority of men and women agree that a 50/50 split is correct.

But many do not implement it - and most of the time, the to-dos stick with the woman.

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Why is there such a large gap between ideal and reality?

And why do women in particular have to pay for it to be so?

I've been thinking about these questions regularly since our daughter was born.

Because with that something has shifted.

Before, my friend and I had roughly the same attitude towards order: very pleasant, but you can still do it tomorrow.

But now it was suddenly important to me that, for example, the trash can is always at least empty enough that you can throw something into it, diapers, banana peels, milk cartons.

And my friend

He stuck to "Can I still do it tomorrow".

The garbage is just one of the 100 tasks mentioned at the beginning.

But one that allows you to understand the dynamics that also unfolded with the 99 others.

It went something like this: Most of the time, I noticed the trash was full.

Most of the time I took him away.

Until it annoyed me that I took away the garbage so often.

Whereupon my friend was genuinely surprised, he hadn't really noticed it.

"Just tell me if I should take the trash with me," he suggested.

Okay, that sounds constructive, I thought.

Until I realized: No, that doesn't take any pressure off me, because now I don't have to carry the rubbish anymore, but I have gained another task - that of organizing my friend.

My friend became my "helper"

So we ended up finding ourselves in roles that made us both uncomfortable.

I was the highest authority in all budgetary and organizational issues, he helped me, became my "helper".

And even that didn't work.

I felt

bossy explaining

to him what should be done when and how.

In addition, I was able to do it myself in the same time - without the stupid “Now I have to make an announcement” feeling.

So we ended up back where we started.

I took care and felt left alone.

And slowly he had the feeling that he couldn't please me at all.

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Why don't two grown-ups manage to divide something as simple as family work between them fairly fairly?

First of all, because family work is anything but simple, even if this is often said by people who have little to do with it.

And secondly because it is challenging to actively unlearn something, rethink and negotiate something that has been learned over the years.

Because that's ultimately what it's all about, the doctor Mirriam Prieß explained to me some time ago in the course of another research.

Prieß has written several books on exhaustion and burnout, and she says: “You are shaped by certain ideas.

You live much more what your childhood was like than what you actually imagine. "

In short, women are not naturally more gifted at doing the dishes.

And not genetically better at comforting a child, either.

They only learned from their own mothers how to feel responsible, see things and get things done.

In the same way, many men have internalized that there is always fresh laundry in the closet without having to do anything.

You can easily find out without asking who is to blame.

Is it mothers, fathers, women, men?

Perhaps that doesn't matter, but it doesn't necessarily help couples and parents today who would like to do something fundamentally different.

No strength to take care of it

But what would take you further?

In moments when we both could freak out, my friend and I now have one thing above all else: to know that the other is not doing it "on purpose", that we have the same goal - and that both of us have to do something for it.

I didn't like this idea for a long time, I thought: “I don't have time, now should I also push this topic forward?

Can't he do that? "

I could imagine that this is also the crux of the matter with some couples from the study by Funk and Schwarze, who strive for the 50/50 model but do not implement it: the women have no strength to take care of it.

And from a men's perspective, it's not such an urgent problem.

There are no patent solutions for this mixed situation, no

life hack

from the Internet, thanks to which the knot bursts within a day.

For some, it may help to take a look at the guide "Out of the Mental Load Trap - How to Ensure a Fair Division of Labor in the Family".

The author, psychologist and family blogger Patricia Cammarata gives a lot of pragmatic tips.

For example, those for women who simply don't feel so responsible anymore: “Start with the toilet roll.

... If you come across an empty toilet roll, don't exchange it.

Persevere.

I promise: The day will come when the empty toilet roll will be exchanged for a full one (at least if you are not using the toilet by yourself). "

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If you don't have the heart, you could at least start by writing down the 100 small and large tasks that arise in everyday life.

You can only redistribute the burden if both of you know what it is all about.

Will that work?

My friend and I will try it - because we suspect that it would make us unhappy to give up now.

In the “Kindskopf” column, two mothers (the children are three and eleven years old) write about everything that concerns them.

From the best midwife advice to nasty mom comments.

You can find all episodes here.