The peasant woman who writes poems in Kuaishou: Use poems to open a vent for life
Our reporter Liu Mengni
Han Shimei's day starts at 6 o'clock in the morning.
After getting up, she rushed to a nearby factory to cook for the workers there, three meals a day, and cleaning. Except for the Spring Festival, she was open all year round and could earn 2,800 yuan a month.
In addition, 12 acres of farm work and various housework almost filled her life.
Only when she picks up her mobile phone to write poems or communicate with poetry friends and netizens in Kuaishou can she get a moment of respite.
"I don't know how painful it is to live with a tree, and how painful it is to live with a wall" "I have suffered what a woman can't eat, and suffered a sin that a woman can't suffer. I am very helpless, and I have to face it every day. Twilight".
On the Internet, she poured out her unwillingness to fate.
"Thousands of mountains and mountains overlap barriers, and the music will accompany the springs." "The willow branches are newly decorated with peach blossoms, and the mandarin ducks play in the water and the lotus pond."
When composing the poem, her eyes were no longer limited to the three-point-one-line factories, farmland, and houses, but crossed the loess of the Henan countryside to outline the beauty of the wider world.
"Although they are facing each other in the same bed, they can't say anything to be cold and cold." "As a slave, I don't ask about the world, tears have drained from my temples."
When writing poems, she can finally be a real self and talk about her inner pain, instead of silently worrying about a wife, mother, and daughter-in-law in real life.
Han Shimei called what she wrote "shunting" and said that she was "making up".
But among the more than 100 works she published on Kuaishou, there are hundreds of likes and comments below each.
"Heart tired turns into a plume of smoke/flies towards the high blue sky... the sun shines through the clouds/ it tells me/ when I am covered by the dark clouds/ I will also strive forward/ bring you a trace of warmth."
On March 2, Han Shimei was invited by the "Reading Poems for You" platform to read her own work "Heart Language" to netizens in Mandarin with her strong Henan accent.
Some netizens left a message: "As soon as the poet's voice came out, the eyes became moist. The tenacity and tension of life made me admire and love it."
Han Shimei, 50 years old this year, is an ordinary peasant woman in Xichuan County, Nanyang City, Henan Province.
If she were not writing poems in Kuaishou, expressing herself and being herself, the sky of her life would always be the same as that of ordinary peasant women in rural Henan.
She even felt lower and more depressed.
During the interview, she sighed several times when she talked about her life and destiny.
"No one can understand the mood of my life"
"If I keep studying, I should have a chance to become a real poet."
Han Shimei made no secret of her resentment towards her mother.
Because she was born on the stomach, she was deemed unfilial by her mother and almost drowned in a urine bucket. It was her father and two sisters who rescued her.
In 2005, when his mother passed away and was sick and bedridden, of the six children, Han Shimei took care of the most.
"Hate to hate, after all, there is the grace of nurturing." Han Shimei said.
But her resentment towards her mother was not because of the turmoil at birth.
"My whole life has been ruined by her." When she was studying, Han Shimei's grades were very good. Every time she took the exam, she was among the top in the class. But halfway through the second year of junior high school, she dropped out under the force of her mother.
This dull pain has been buried deep in Han Shimei's heart. For a long time after her marriage, she often had the same dream, dreaming that she would continue to study and be admitted to university.
"Later, when I get old, I don't have such a dream."
"If I keep studying, I should have a chance to become a true poet." Many years have passed, and Han Shimei still has deep regrets.
At the age of 19, his mother received 3,000 yuan as a gift and forced Han Shimei to marry a man with a slight intellectual disability.
In the rural areas of Henan in the early 1990s, 3,000 yuan can be said to be a huge sum of money.
Han Shimei didn't want to marry the man who was "unable to communicate." She dragged it for 3 years for various reasons, and resisted for 3 years, but she still couldn't get her mother out of her way.
The money in exchange for the marriage turned into a few new brick houses in her natal family, and the younger brother also said that he was a daughter-in-law.
Not only her, but the marriage of her three sisters, according to her words, was also "scheduled by her mother", and they all received gifts of varying amounts.
Marrying Han Shimei caused her husband's family to bear a huge debt. In those years, people who wanted to pay were in an endless stream, "sometimes they have to call three times a day."
In order to repay the bill, Han Shimei grows peppers and works in the factory. She stands swollen from morning to night without rest.
She even worked with men to build roads and piling, pushing more than 100 trucks of soil a day, and piercing and cutting steel bars. At that time, there were 4 women in the village, and only Han Shimei persisted.
"As long as I can earn money, I am willing to do anything." Hardship and tiredness have not been able to exchange for a comfortable life. The wedding gift is paid off, the house is paid off, the house is paid off, and the building is built. Coupled with taking care of the family, for more than 20 years, Han Shimei can hardly have time to breathe.
No matter what happened to the husband, Han Shimei had to worry about him in and out of the house.
She bought the steel and cement needed to build the house; she invited the labor needed to build the house; she even asked relatives and friends to borrow money.
In the few years of working in the factory, during peak seasons, Han Shimei often had to work overtime. One day, Han Shimei was busy until 12 o'clock at night before returning home, and her husband had been waiting for her to come back to make dinner.
"He doesn't do any housework. Once I quarreled with him and I didn't help him wash his clothes for a month, so his clothes really haven't been washed for a month."
When even the father-in-law fell ill, it was Han Shimei who took him to the hospital to take care of him. Even if the husband followed, he was basically unable to help.
"Let him hug his father-in-law to get in and out of bed, he doesn't hug him well, he always hugs his father-in-law.
In those years, my husband also likes to gamble.
Han Shimei was very impressed. In the 1990s, her husband lost 180 yuan a night, "often three people beat him alone."
In addition to paying off the debts owed by the family and coping with living expenses, Han Shimei also has to pay off the gambling debts for her husband.
The silence in her husband's daily life also made Han Shimei desperate.
"He doesn't like to talk, he doesn't understand people, and he doesn't hurt people." At around 5 a.m. one day, Han Shimei posted such a dynamic in Kuaishou, "I don't know how hard it is to live with a tree, and how much life with a wall is. Pain, no one can understand the mood of my life, I want to cry without tears, I want to talk without words."
The "net" made by the closest people
Mother, husband, and son should all be the closest people in Han Shimei’s life, but most of her sufferings are closely related to them.
It was her son that made Han Shimei more exhausted.
Han Shimei has a son and a daughter, and she has suffered a lot in having two children in such a family.
"I worked until the child was born, kneeling on the ground with a big belly and pulling weeds. The day I gave birth to my daughter, I saw Hong in the morning, and I went to wash the clothes, and my daughter was born in the evening."
Han Shimei, who was forced to drop out, attached great importance to the children's study.
When the two children were in junior high school, she was sent to the county middle school 70 or 80 kilometers away. The quality of teaching there is better, but it also means more money.
Her son was admitted to the Zhengzhou University of Light Industry computer major. She was once proud of her. After graduating from university, she did not expect to find a job in a larger company, but she was always blocked by the shadow of her lungs.
Han Shimei recalled that when her son was three or four months old, his stomach suffered a disease from the wind, and the shadow on his lungs was left at that time.
The doctors in the major hospitals all said that it has no effect on health, but they did not expect it to become a hurdle for finding a good job.
The frustrated son later returned to his hometown. Han Shimei found him a job as an electrician in the factory where she was cooking. She wanted him to learn a skill, but after only one month and three days, the son didn’t want to do it. .
When Han Shimei thought of her son’s future, she was worried. When she talked about this topic in the interview, she sighed to the reporter many times, “Is this university for nothing?” “The problem is with the lungs, is he unable to find a good job? ?"
On November 24, 2020, Han Shimei's Kuaishou had a rare word of joy.
She posted a photo of her son's wedding scene and attached a poem, "Golden branches, jade leaves, and a flower, marry into the royal family and send it out. Husband and wife will pass the day, and the baby will be born next year to the dragon and phoenix baby."
In the dynamic, Han Shimei said, "The 16th day of the ninth month of the 2020 lunar calendar is my son's wedding day. The ups and downs of a half-life are washed out by this festive day, leaving only joy in my heart."
How did Han Shimei know at that time, the next direction of her son's marriage almost crushed her.
The bride is very beautiful. It was only after spending a lot of money on a lot of girls that the son took a fancy to it. Han Shimei was also very satisfied.
For the marriage of her son, Han Shimei spent more than 300,000 yuan on meeting gifts, engagement weddings, matchmakers, betrothal gifts, three golds, and weddings, each of which required money. The family’s 100,000 yuan deposit was taken out and she asked relatives to borrow it. More than 200,000 yuan.
Unexpectedly, the wedding had just been held for more than two months, and the young couple who had not had time to go to the Civil Affairs Bureau to obtain a marriage certificate, they separated because of trivial matters, and the daughter-in-law went to kill the child she was pregnant with.
The woman's family returned 230,000 yuan.
But the 100,000 yuan that has been spent on weddings, matchmakers, etc. still almost emptied the entire family.
Even so, Han Shimei did not dare to force her son to reconcile with the girl too much. She worried that the tragedy caused by her mother's arrangement of her marriage would repeat itself in the next generation.
To this day, the joyful dynamic is still in Han Shimei's fast hand.
After the son broke up with the girl, there are still netizens who left a message: "Congratulations to the talented sister, I wish my nephew a happy wedding, a hundred years of marriage, and an early son." Han Shimei replied: "Thank you for your blessings, my little sister.
The frustrated son recently went to Guangzhou, hoping to find new opportunities in the big city.
According to Han Shimei, her son is ready to report to a company.
Mother, husband, and son should all be the closest people in Han Shimei's life, but most of her life's suffering is closely related to them. They inadvertently woven the net together and trapped Han Shimei in it.
The verse opened the "window" for her
When conceiving verses, she can no longer think about all the troubles in life.
As if a window was opened in the suffocating life space, she was finally able to poke her head out to breathe in the heavy life
"I often feel that I am a soulless person." Han Shimei, who is under the weight of life, can only get a breath of breath in poetry.
Han Shimei was able to "make up a poem" when she was in the fifth grade of elementary school. After she dropped out of school, she could still read a book when she was free in her natal home.
After marriage, the pressure of life came to her face, and she never read a page again.
In April 2020, Han Shimei tapped Kuaishou on the smartphone that her son eliminated. She saw someone writing poems. While learning to use the Kuaishou app, she tried to write a poem by herself.
"Who is empty in heart, who is so miserable in heart, who has two lines of tears on cheeks, who always carries things..." This is Han Shimei's first work in Kuaishou. She told reporters that this song "smoothly" ", is a true portrayal of my heart at that time.
Today, Han Shimei has published hundreds of poems on Kuaishou. She usually gets inspiration for writing poems from videos and photos posted by netizens.
She once looked at a photo and wrote several poems about spring: "Dark clouds cover half of the moon, and everything will be born in spring when drizzle." The waves are greeted by the spring breeze." She looked at a photo at night and wrote: "The blue sky and clouds are like yarn, and the jungle reflects the colorful clouds." She looked at a photo under the setting sun and wrote: "The moon is hidden and the stars are more beautiful, and the wind blows. Low eyebrows." She looked at a picture of a lake and wrote: "Infatuation in exchange for the evening breeze, drunk lying in the setting sun and dreaming thousands of times"...
Han Shimei also wrote poems to confide in the incomprehensible feelings of the people around her in daily life: "The past has become the wind and the dream is still the same, and Haitang's speechless heart and tears" I wish to really love, understand that my heart rewards me, and tell each other sincerely"... In the small world of poetry, she is more like a pure woman, rather than a wife, mother, and daughter-in-law who lives under the weight of no self. .
Below each of her poems, there are usually a lot of sings and works replied by quick-hand poetry friends, as well as more likes and comments from netizens.
"Innovative and ingenious" "I like you, I write really well, and it gives me a lot of strength" "Really great! With such a romantic heart, the world I see must be beautiful"...
For Han Shimei, writing poems is pure relaxation and happiness.
When conceiving verses, she can no longer think about all the troubles in life.
As if a window had been opened in the suffocating life space, she was finally able to poke her head out to breathe in the heavy life.
In communicating with netizens and poets, being praised for poems with others is also a joy she has never had in real life.
As the number of people communicating increased, some poet friends took the initiative to send a private message to Han Shimei, suggesting that they could teach her to write poems for free, including Pingzhe and Metrics.
Han Shimei tried to write poems according to the requirements of enthusiastic poet friends, but felt too restrictive.
"My life has been so severely constrained, I want to be free to write poems, write and share freely."
However, writing poems in Kuaishou cannot make up for the unsatisfactory real life after all.
"When writing poems, you can forget a lot of unhappiness, but as soon as you stop, you will remember it again." Han Shimei told reporters, "Now it's not that you can't live your life, but if you think about those things at home, you will cry."
Even though there have been many dissatisfaction and difficulties in the past few years, Han Shimei also has her self-esteem and persistence.
When my son was in college, he could have opened a certificate of poor students in the village, so he could get a subsidy of 5,000 yuan.
Han Shimei said to her son: "Forget it, let's not. The family is not so poor that we can make money on our own. The country's money needs to be spent on the poorer people."
I hope the children can have a different life
She has never thought of going further, she chooses to be constrained at home willingly, hoping that the children can have a different life
In Han Shimei's view, her daughter is the most sensible and the one who loves her the most.
"She once said to me, Mom, I'm old, what do you want to tell me in the future. I can make money in a few years, so you don't have to be so tired."
The daughter also supported Han Shimei to write poems in Kuaishou. She encouraged Han Shimei, "Mom, you can do something you want to do, as long as you can be happy." Her daughter is the only person in the family who can read mom's poems, and she was surprised. He said to Han Shimei, "Mom, you really know how to write, I can't think of these sentences."
Han Shimei’s daughter is now in her third year at a key middle school in Xichuan County and wants to be a teacher in the future.
Han Shimei told reporters that no matter how far her daughter is in school, she will confess. She will never forget the pain of interruption in her studies and hope her daughter can change her destiny through study.
Regarding her daughter's future marriage, Han Shimei said that she must fully respect her daughter's own opinions and will never intervene, nor will she ask for a high price gift, as long as there is this procedure.
"I can't take my mother's path and kill people." She said, "I am marrying my daughter, not selling my daughter."
Nowadays, the grown-up sons and daughters have seen her mother's hard work all her life, and they support her divorce, but she can't bear to leave this home.
In the past year or so, my husband has begun to rely on her very much. “I sometimes want to go to my daughter’s room to sleep at night, but he doesn’t let me go, so he sits on the side of my daughter’s bed and looks at me. ."
"A woman must find someone you love to marry again, or she will be blind in her life." Han Shimei once posted such a dynamic in Kuaishou, but in her opinion, no matter how bad the husband is, it is still the same." Kind person", "He is like a small child, I really left, and he is also pitiful."
Since his son went to middle school in the county in 2007, the husband finally stopped betting, and now he works as a worker in the factory where Han Shimei cooks.
"The money I earn will be given to me," Han Shimei said.
But her husband still doesn't care about family affairs, doesn't speak much, and can't understand Han Shimei's poems and her inner pain.
"We have nothing to say when we are together at night, I write my poems myself." Han Shimei said.
Han Shimei decided to live like this, "This is a home I have worked hard for myself, and I can't destroy it by myself." Except for returning to Hubei Baokang's hometown once when she was 18 years old, she went to the farthest place in her life. It is Nanyang City, or to accompany the family to see a doctor.
But she never thought of going farther. She chose to be constrained at home willingly, hoping that the children could have a different life.