If a man doesn’t marry a girl, he doesn’t marry a child.
The rise of double marriage in Jiangsu and Zhejiang is accidental or inevitable?
In recent years, a new form of marriage has quietly emerged in Jiangsu and Zhejiang—two-to-one marriage. This kind of marriage is neither a marriage of a man to a woman, nor a marriage of a woman to a man.
The young couple still maintains a certain degree of "stickiness" with their original families after they get married, and they usually live in separate families.
They usually give birth to two children, the first one takes the father’s surname and is mainly raised by the man, and the second takes the mother’s surname and is mainly raised by the woman.
In a two-married family, there is no concept of grandparents, and children call their parents grandparents.
China Women’s Daily and China Women’s Daily reporter Yao Gigai
Xiaoxi, who lives in Yuhang District, Hangzhou City, Zhejiang Province, and her husband Xiaozheng, both are the only children of the "post-85s". They married in 2016.
Before the marriage, the two families had agreed that Xiaoxi could still live in her natal house or in-laws’ house after marriage; the same goes for Xiaozheng.
Moreover, the two families agreed that the young couple had two children in total, according to the birth order, with the first child with the man's surname and the second child with the woman's surname.
This form of marriage is a new form that has quietly emerged in Jiangsu and Zhejiang in recent years-two-end marriage, which is commonly known by the locals as "no come or go", "no entry or exit", "no marriage or marriage", and "two marriages". "Fighting" means "my family is not marrying a daughter, nor is your family marrying a daughter-in-law". The young couple still maintains a certain degree of "stickiness" with their original families after they get married.
Why do two marriages occur?
What are the pros and cons of marriage at both ends
What is the future development trend of married couples?
With these questions in mind, a reporter from China Women’s Daily and China Women’s Daily interviewed relevant experts and lawyers.
Choice for only-child families
The so-called two-end marriage is neither a man marrying a woman to marry a woman, nor does it mean that a woman invites a man into marriage.
Both the man and the woman are married, and the couple goes on both ends.
A two-headed married family generally has two children. The first one takes the father’s surname and is mainly raised by the man, and the second takes the mother’s surname and is mainly raised by the woman.
In a two-married family, there is no concept of grandparents, and children call their parents grandparents.
Like the Xiaoxi couple, most of the only children from the rural areas of Jiangsu and Zhejiang choose to get married.
"This situation mainly occurs in the Hangzhou-Jiaxing-Huzhou area. The parties I have contacted are concentrated in the Jiubao, Linping, and Yuhang areas around Hangzhou. Most of them are transferred from villages to communities, and in the Huzhou area, marriages at both ends are very common. Du Peng, a lawyer from Zhejiang Shunbo Law Firm, said, “It can be said that two-headed marriage is a normal requirement for only-child families.”
In Du Peng's view, two-to-one marriage is a better solution to "recruiting a son-in-law."
"We have a saying here called'recruit a son-in-law, hire a son-in-law, and finally hire a lazy son-in-law.'" Du Peng explained that the son-in-law who used to recruit will have this mentality-"Anyway, the child does not have my surname. Without my part, I am here to just complete the task of reproduction and reproduction." In this mentality, over time, the door-to-door son-in-law's sense of responsibility for the family becomes weaker and weaker.
Moreover, under normal circumstances, families recruiting son-in-laws usually have a better economic condition than that of the man or the woman’s family involves demolition. Many families in the family of recruiting son-in-laws have a certain degree of prevention and discrimination against the men who are recruited.
Therefore, no matter from the above point of view, it will cause the instability of the son-in-law's family.
The double marriage can effectively avoid this situation.
Because in a two-end marriage, the man does not need to pay a betrothal gift, and the woman does not need to dowry. Both parties have no intention of marrying, and they have children with their own surnames. This form is relatively pure to recruit a son-in-law, and affects the psychological pressure of the man. Smaller, it will give the man a sense of identity and responsibility for the family.
"I personally think that the two-to-one marriage satisfies the actual and psychological needs of both men and women more appropriately." Du Peng said.
In addition, two-married families have another distinctive feature-they are not completely independent from their respective native families, that is, they live with one parent for a long period of time or live with both parents in turn.
"The main reason for the'two fights' is the fast pace of modern work and life. Many young couples are too busy to take care of themselves and have no time to take care of their children. Coupled with the current immaturity of the nanny industry, they can only rely on their parents." Zhejiang Nuoli Said Yang Huili, deputy director of the Asian Law Firm and deputy director of the Marriage and Family Professional Committee of the Provincial Bar Association.
She has been engaged in research in the field of family affairs for 14 years. A few years ago, she began to pay attention to the marriage of two ends.
"There are also some young couples, because they are the only child of the original family since childhood, the original family conditions are relatively good, and the ability to live independently is poor, so they are very dependent on the original family." Yang Huili added.
Are the advantages or the disadvantages big?
"I think this kind of "no come or go" two-end marriage should be an exploration under the new situation. This kind of exploration is quite good and is conducive to the stability and harmony of the family." Lawyer of Zhejiang Siwei Law Firm, Hangzhou City Women Said Yang Hong, a volunteer from the Rights Protection and Legal Aid Group.
She has been engaged in "housework" for many years, and she agreed with it when she first came into contact with the marriage of two ends.
After studying the connotation and manifestation of the marriage of two ends, Yang Hong summarized its several advantages.
"First of all, the two-married family agreed to have two children, which is a positive response to the country's childbirth policy, which is conducive to alleviating the aging of the society. For another example, without the bride price and dowry threshold, the financial pressure on the man and the woman will be reduced. In other words, it can increase the willingness of young people to get married. Furthermore, having two children will follow both the father’s and mother’s surnames, avoiding disputes over surnames and parenting.”
One reason Yang Hong agrees is related to herself.
"After the only child gets married, he maintains a certain degree of stickiness with the original family. Most parents of the only child are happy to accept it." Yang Hong has only one daughter and is currently in college.
From her personal feelings, her daughter is very happy when she goes out to college and comes home on holidays.
"If my daughter chooses to marry at both ends in the future and not completely separate from us, I would very much agree."
However, the marriage of two ends is not profitable and harmless.
In real life, the marriage of two ends has certain "sequelae".
On this point, the three lawyers coincided.
"It is good to maintain a certain degree of'stickiness' with the original family, but the independence of the two-married family will be weak, the integrity of the small family will inevitably be affected, and the intimacy of young couples will also be affected." Yang Huili said.
"Furthermore, in the real cases we have come into contact with, two-married families will have disputes because no one can have less and can't lose. For example, some men don’t want to live in women’s homes more, because they are afraid that they will be susceptible to staying longer. ."
Take Xiaoxi and his wife as an example. The two families once had trouble because of whether the man wanted to follow the woman to the grave on Ching Ming Festival.
Xiao Zheng believes that going to the woman's tomb is the act of the son-in-law, and he resolutely does not go.
But Xiaoxi thinks, since everyone has agreed on the marriage of two ends, why not go to the woman’s grave?
"Some can be reconciled, but some contradictions are not easy to reconcile, and may even lead to divorce." Du Peng said.
In fact, there is a "gambling" element in which child has the surname.
If the sexes of the two children born are the same, everyone is happy, but if one of the two children born is a girl, and the man’s surname is a girl, it may cause the man’s mentality to become unbalanced.
At the same time, practice has shown that the children in the two married families are called grandparents, and cancelling the title of grandpa and grandmother will make the children confused.
In addition, the presence of brothers and sisters with different surnames in the family will also reduce the child's sense of identity with siblings.
What's more, in the parenting process, "grandparents" intentionally or unintentionally prefer children with their own surnames.
"Eccentricity will affect the feelings between children, and it will also make it difficult for children to integrate into their own families. This requires more couples to guide, and try to make the parents of the original family not eccentric." Yang Huili said, "especially When two children do not live together for a long time, at least they should ensure that small family members are active together on weekends to cultivate feelings. Parents should also educate children to consider their siblings and take care of each other’s feelings, such as mutual exchanges during holidays. Give gifts, etc."
Du Peng and Yang Hong believe that a marriage of two ends generally has more advantages than disadvantages.
But Yang Huili holds the opposite view.
She believes that the parents of the original family of married couples are more or less yet to break away from the traditional Chinese family model, hoping that their surnames can continue.
Disappear or universal?
What is the future development of two-to-one marriage?
Yang Huili, Du Peng and Yang Hong gave different predictions.
"The social phenomenon of married couples is a product of the birth of only-child families under the family planning policy." Du Peng believes that this form will continue to exist in the future, just like recruiting son-in-law, but it will not become a common phenomenon.
Due to the adjustment of childbirth policies, more and more two-child families will appear, and the demand for this aspect of many families will decline.
As demand declines, the phenomenon of marriage at both ends will naturally decrease.
"I personally think that for now, in the next 20 to 30 years, the pattern of big traditions following the father's surname will not change."
"I also think that two-headed marriage is a product of a specific historical period, and it will inevitably decrease with the development of society, and may even disappear. On the one hand, the two-children will be fully open and the number of children in a family will increase, so there will be no two families. The need to fight hard. On the other hand, the development of the social service industry, especially the professionalization and standardization of the housekeeping industry, the improvement and development of the education and training industry, especially the training of children, and the introduction of various protection policies for minors will stimulate and encourage The young couple are independent from the original family." Yang Huili said.
And Yang Hong is positive and optimistic about this.
"I think this form may increase in the future, and I even hope it can become a mainstream form." In Yang Hong's view, with the popularization of education and the improvement of civilized literacy, people's attitudes towards marriage surnames will become more and more. Enlightened, this will dilute people's "stubbornness" about the inheritance of surnames.
The reporter noted that "people's attitude towards marriage surnames will become more and more enlightened", which is the common point mentioned by the three lawyers.
Where the two-to-one marriage is going, time still needs to be verified.
(According to the request of the interviewee, both Xiaoxi and Xiaozheng in the text are pseudonyms.)