Their adolescent "Buddhism" may be a defense
Parents are too certain about their children's expectations, and children who have no space for their own construction will easily deconstruct and feel "meaningless".
This kind of Buddhism is different from the state of accepting the limits of one's ability after struggling and giving up unrealistic desires.
---------------
"Jingjing is in the third year of junior high school this year, and he is immediately facing the high school entrance examination, but he is not in a hurry! My mouth is going to be worn out, and he is not too slow. The scores are all the same expression. After finishing his homework, he will look at it. Variety show." Yang Wei said of her son, always at a loss, "Isn't adolescence the most passionate and impulsive time? Why is it so Buddhist!"
Jingjing is in the junior high school of a district-level key school, and his grades are above average. Yang Wei hopes that her son can do it in the third grade and enter the key high schools listed on the market. Jingjing’s attitude is "Buddha"-"Everything is OK. It’s okay to stay in high school at this school.
Yang Wei finds it strange that there are obviously big differences in the hardware conditions, teaching level, student quality, and average of the college entrance examination between the two schools. No matter what she tells her facts and reason, Jingjing has an "indifferent" attitude.
Yang Wei was born in the 1970s, and her life credo is to be aggressive and to win through hard work.
She was born in a family with many children and is the second of three children. She has faced competition with her sister and brother since she was a child.
Sweet-mouthed, sensible at home, good grades at school, and disciplined are Yang Wei's ways to gain parental approval and maintain her self-esteem.
After living independently, she asked herself the same way, doing everything she could to do her best.
She has entered the best university she can be admitted to and works in the financial field. Similarly, she also hopes that her only son, Jingjing, can continue her development trajectory and reach a higher level.
Jingjing is a clever child with strong logical thinking skills since he was a child. Yang Wei made a clear plan for him. He started to learn Mathematical Olympiad and informatics in elementary school, key junior high schools in the district, key high schools in the city, and 985 colleges and universities. In the future, he will enter the field of artificial intelligence.
Everything went well in the elementary school, Jingjing obeyed the arrangement, took classes seriously and completed extracurricular homework.
After entering middle school, especially after the second year of junior high school, Jingjing gradually began to slack off. The most common words are "Everything is OK", "You can figure it out" and "It doesn't matter."
"How can it be indifferent?" Yang Wei really couldn't understand. "When I was his age, I tried desperately for any opportunity. I didn't get a three-good student for a year and cried for several days. But why is he so listless?"
In order for Jingjing to admit that the two schools are very different, Yang Wei plans to take him to visit the key high school in the city.
This high school is large in scale, beautiful on campus, and first-class facilities. She hopes to inspire Jingjing's inner passion and become active.
However, Jingjing was not interested in visiting the campus. He said, "Anyway, I'm sitting in a classroom with endless questions." "What about going to a good university? In the end, it's not for life, just like a donkey. Boring work".
Yang Wei was stunned. She didn't understand why a good obedient child became like this within a few years.
"If young people don't struggle, what hope is there? Buddhism, it's not too late to be a Buddha when you are old." Yang Wei hopes to find Jingjing's problems through consultation and make him active again.
When Yang Wei told me about this, I was a little confused. Yang Wei was here to solve the "Jingjing Tai Buddha problem". But speaking, it was all her own expectations and worries. Many ideas.
"Is Jingjing very buddhist to everything? Is there anything that I pay more attention to?"
"He... just pays special attention to Li Dan, a variety celebrity, and follows his show."
"Why is Jingjing so interested in him?"
Yang Wei didn't understand Li Dan, so she showed her research spirit and watched talk shows and interviews.
"When I first watched the show, I didn't like him. He was so hard to say a word. Why would Jingjing like him? Later, when I saw Li Dan doing an interview, he said that when he was a reporter, he queued up all night to buy train tickets. However, he was disappointed to find that the seniors were looking for connections for the ticket. He felt that the crows in the world were so dark and the same everywhere, so he immediately resigned.
"When he said this, I suddenly felt that the tone was very familiar. I remembered that Jingjing said that all schools are the same. Whatever career is boring, it is the same helplessly low tone."
Yang Wei pondered for a while, "I have struggled since I was young because I believe that as long as I work hard, everything will be different. If I feel that no matter how hard I try, the result will be the same, then how desperate!" Yang Wei wants to have a good talk with Jingjing I talked about it, not for change, just to know if he was really so desperate.
I told her to listen to Jingjing and don't rush to evaluate and guide her.
Yang Wei and Jingjing talked many times.
At first, Jingjing was very resistant and didn't want to say more. Yang Wei told him about her childhood and the confusion about watching Li Dan's programs and interviews. Jingjing was a little surprised because her mother always planned the future enthusiastically and rarely. Recalling the past, I rarely talk about my feelings.
Jingjing gradually communicated with Yang Wei. He said that he was confused when thinking about the future, and he didn't know what he wanted to do. At the same time, he felt that his mother had a lot of expectations and unilaterally decided that he would learn artificial intelligence in the future.
Jingjing said that although he still doesn't know what he wants to do, but now he doesn't like being arranged by others. It is disgusting to think that all the roads will be arranged from now on.
Yang Wei asked, "You are so upset, why don't you tell your mother?" "As I said, I said that I don't like this major, and I find it boring, but you said, work can be interesting every day, it is very boring, income Gao will find it interesting. He also said that you are so good at math, it's a pity that you don't learn programming...I don't know what else to say, after all, I can't tell myself what I will do in the future."
Jingjing also asked Yang Wei, "Why do I have to make a lot of money, can it be enough? We already have two houses in Beijing, but I am a child. Why should I do something I don’t like just to make money? what about work?"
When she came back to the consultation room to face me, Yang Wei said these things that made her think a lot. Indeed, there are life issues for each generation.
"My mother said that girls don’t want to be too high-spirited, just be safe, let me graduate from junior high school, go to kindergarten, and work in a state-owned enterprise. I think differently from her. I want to go out to meet the world and live a promising life. Because this is me. Because of my own desires, I was very motivated and won the support of my father."
Yang Wei still remembers the scene of her father taking her to Beijing to visit big cities and university campuses during the summer vacation of her sophomore year. She was very excited. At that time, she was determined to "work hard and come to Beijing to go to university", so she worked hard to realize her wish. .
"If you change your position to Jingjing, what kind of thoughts will you have?" Yang Wei thought for a while and said, "I always think that my subjective wishes are of course good. I hope Jingjing will follow my path. I never thought that Jingjing has already lived in a big city. Since childhood, he has all the material conditions and no shortage of attention. What would he want?"
"Jingjing is in junior high school and hasn't thought about what he will do in the future. Maybe it's because the kids now have fewer worries and more choices. However, he seems to tell you what he doesn't want." I responded.
Yang Wei smiled: "Yes, he doesn't want me to decide his life for him. This is really a challenge to an old mother who is actively working hard! Maybe he has grown up slowly and has to decide something on his own."
Jingjing, who has just entered adolescence, has a desire for independence without forming a clear self-identity. He is often confused and angry. At the same time, he feels that he is limited in his ability to resist external pressure.
Their "Buddhism" is likely to be a defensive, passive attack and expression of dissatisfaction with "don't engage, don't care".
When he heard Li Dan talk about "the world is not worth it" and "just be happy", he felt like his own ideas, this concept completely deconstructed the previous generation's outlook on life of "enduring hardships to set goals and being aggressive.
Compared with construction, deconstruction does not require arguments. It is just fine to dismantle what others have determined. It seems that it can always be invincible, which is in line with teenagers "Although I don't know what makes sense yet, I think what you say is meaningless." The feeling is very attractive.
Deconstruction is often attached to construction. It absorbs the power of construction and grows quietly in disassembly.
The vigorous development of Li Dan and the career he represents may reflect that a society was previously constructed too certain and suppressed a lot of autonomy and anger. These suppressed emotions became the fertilizer for deconstruction.
In the same way, parents’ expectations of their children are too certain. If children do not have the space for their own construction, they tend to deconstruct and feel that “nothing makes sense”.
This kind of Buddhism is different from the state of accepting the limits of one's ability after struggling and giving up unrealistic desires.
After reflection, Yang Wei decided to follow the Jingjing Buddhism system, and also a little Buddhism.
"Jingjing is talking about real ideas. The more I make certain arrangements for him, the less motivated he is. Moreover, I have to rethink what kind of goals he will be passionate about. If we can't find it for the time being, we will Let’s look at the world more together. I believe that the inner vitality of young people will always be there."
Wang Min Source: China Youth Daily