- Since the start of confinement, virtual aperitifs have multiplied to maintain a semblance of social bond.
- When we thought we were finally quiet, we end up with a fiddling with dates on the back.
- But is it wrong to refuse a Skypapéro when there is no excuse for doing so?
Don't pretend you never did. This aperitif has been stalled for a month with your old college buddies. But here it is, 7:30 p.m., you spent a terrible week, it's raining, and the reunification takes place the same evening in Koh-Lanta … In short, your motivation is close to zero. And there, a little music resounds in your head: "We do not care we will not go, we only have to hide under the sheets" (yes, in those moments we have the right to listen to Bénabar).
You weigh the pros and cons - when in reality your decision has been made for a long time - then you split up a text or a message in a WhatsApp loop: "Damn I don't really know what happens to me, I must have eaten a strange thing this midday, I have hyper stomach ache, I think that it will not be able to do it for this evening… But have fun, very soon kisses! »A shiver of guilt invades you, engulfed 30 seconds later by a wave of guilty pleasure ... The pajama-pilou-Denis Brogniart evening can begin.
But that was before the coronavirus pandemic. Since we are confined, it is now enough to click on a button so that our loved ones and we can toast by interposed screens. We call it "virtual aperitifs" or "Skypapéros".
It was super nice the first week, we had fun like never with Messenger filters ("Hey look I'm a frog ah ah ah"). And then, these meetings multiplied, sometimes until being linked in the same evening… The temptation to decline then becomes more and more great. But how can we say no when in theory we have all our time and we don't really have the possibility of being somewhere other than at home? And is it really wrong to sometimes want peace in the middle of a period of confinement?
"Everyone needs moments to be alone"
For Rebecca Shankland *, psychologist, Lecturer at the University of Grenoble Alpes, co-author of These links that make us live (ed. Odile Jacob) with Christophe André, "the feeling of being connected to others is fundamental for the mental health and even physical health ”. “Thus, in a study conducted by the Harvard School of Public Health with elderly people followed over a period of 9 years, it was shown that those who got involved in an association were three times less likely to die during this period compared to people who were less in touch with others, ”she gives as an example.
So here we are warned. But rest assured, we still need to put things into perspective. The psychological consequences are different when it is a question of isolated isolation such as social exclusion, and current isolation where ultimately only the bodies are put at a distance (in the best of cases).
“Everyone needs moments to be alone. When it is a choice, to relax, to be quiet, it feels good. It is different from the feeling of loneliness where one would like to feel close to others and one has the impression of having no friends ”, she specifies. But precisely, there, friends, we have (at least we had before writing this article).
Are we therefore monsters of wanting to put distance in such a delicate period as this one? "You have to keep a regular link, while taking into account your needs and those of others," advises Rebecca Shankland. Maybe calling family every day can be a chore for some! The idea is to feel connected to loved ones and to give them news, not necessarily always by calling them, but by sending them a short text, a photo, the link to a video that made us laugh. In this way, loved ones feel that we are thinking of them and in turn send us news, tips for coping with confinement, etc. "
"Sorry, I had a nap"
Well, there is therefore a priori not to feel guilty for wanting to reserve a few evenings for yourself. But what excuse to give to our nice friends who take care not to leave us in our corner? Before writing this article, we had asked our readers to gather the best false excuses to give, the great classics such as "the car does not start we will have to cancel" being obsolete. Result? A total fiasco.
Only our courageous reader Linda had told us that she had pretended a nap to her friends, to go play alone on her side to the game of the Werewolf online, at the link to participate in a WhatsApp meeting. "I don't think they believed me but I didn't know what else to say," she explained frankly. Conclusion: either our readers are incredibly attentive and altruistic, or we are dealing with a bunch of little liars (who do not take responsibility).
Even if it adds a little spice (“the taste for risk”), should we lie to our loved ones when we don't want to see them? “The confinement period can also be an opportunity for some to carry out a project that is close to their heart, such as following online training, getting back to music or painting, building a piece of furniture or repairing a leak, doing an activity. physical, or even write a book! All of this can take a good part of the day. In the evening you may also want to rest and read quietly. We are therefore not necessarily available to exchange with others at any time or even every day! "Estimates Rebecca Shankland. In this case, she then recommends telling the truth to her loved ones: “Explaining to your friends that you are on a project (artistic, DIY, sports or other) helps them to understand why you are not available all the time. time ! "We just have a little doubt that Koh-Lanta or Top Chef fall into the" project "box.
Friends for life ?
If frankness and honesty should always be in order (it costs nothing to write it), saying "no" is a real test for some. Is a little lie so as not to offend your friends so serious after all? Isn't it better to pretend a "momentary problem of wifi connection" than to write "sorry guys but tonight I prefer to watch Les Visitors on France 2 rather than toast with you"? In fact, what matters is the intention.
“It is both useful to be connected to your own needs in terms of socialization: do I want to call a loved one (internal motivation) or do I do it because I feel forced (external motivation)? When we call because we are intrinsically motivated we have a lot more to say, we are also more interested in what the other tells us. This is felt on the phone, so it is better to listen to yourself to be more available to others. However, if you really have a tendency not to call your loved ones too much, it is also important to take into account the needs of others who wish to stay in touch and find a way to send them regular news, "explains the psychologist.
As in normal times, it is therefore necessary to learn to listen to yourself, and not to force yourself. But can we assume a frank selfishness during this confinement? For Rebecca Shankland, the term "selfish is not the most suitable in terms of massive solidarity mobilization in all sectors with the free provision of skills, time, ideas, resources to help those who go" to front "to help the sick or those who have to reinvent their daily lives (parents who teach at home). "
And to add: “What is useful to remember is the importance of recharging one's batteries in order to then be more attentive to others. So if for you to be selfish it is also to take care of yourself and not only of others, then it is indeed one of the keys to being able to last in the face of the situation of confinement. One can also consider that taking care of oneself is not selfish because if one does not do it, the consequences will be important for the close relations. "
Let us not forget that our loved ones ALSO sometimes like to have peace. Probably we have already been “victims” of a little lie ourselves… No hard feelings?
* Rebecca Shankland is also responsible for the Parenting Observatory and Parenting Support
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- Skype
- Coronavirus
- Containment
- Aperitif