• When is it known that the relationship is over?
  • I fall in love, I separate, I marry, I divorce ... Why?

'History of a marriage' is a film that does not leave indifferent. Its protagonists Nicole (Scarlett Johansson) and Charlie (Adam Driver) transmit love and pain in equal parts . Theirs is the chronicle of a breakup announced, the divorce between two people who love each other, who still nurture deep feelings for each other.

"How can love live with this pain?" Says Nicole. A question that we often hear in the mouth of those who resort to therapeutic practice in search of relief from the agony of being two who love each other, but cannot move forward together .

In the 21st century, mutual and shared growth is a fundamental key for couples who wish to remain united over time. They are couples who do not argue, who are not upset as in 'The War of the Rose', but in which suffering has been installed in the heart of the relationship .

THE CONFLICT OF 'BEING ONLY ONE'

Being one soul, always being together, being just you and me, is the desire of lovers, because falling in love means entering a state of symbiosis where any threat to love comes from outside. It's time for the honeymoon, but the pink sparkles will inevitably darken .

It means that the relationship evolves naturally from its idyllic early phase (no one can live eternally on a honeymoon) to give way to a more mature stage , where the rest of the world and life makes its way. Friends, work, hobbies, family await you beyond looking into the eyes of the beloved.

Moving from symbiosis to a differentiated relational state can be difficult . If at this stage you tell yourself that "you are losing" you are doing a bad service because leaving the symbiosis means seeing you (finally!) To each other as separate beings.

Knowing how to celebrate these differences, without taking them as personal attacks , despite the feelings of disappointment and even bitterness that this entails, means maturity.

This is where Charlie and many other people like him stumble, in the so-called 'we are one' conflict; that is to say, in continuing to consider that dreams and desires are also, forever and ever like in fairy tales, those of the companion, who feels suffocated and responds calmly in front and bitterness within. "He didn't see me as something separate from himself, he doesn't notice me," Nicole reflects.

The crisis consumes the relationship from within as a result of the need for change, to stop the obsession of being inseparable from the one and the unexpressed desires to fly from the other.

If 'Story of a marriage' was a Disney movie or if it were a couple willing to listen to each other, they would turn the crisis into a new spark. To do this we have to modify the rules, define new roles and look for a new level of relationship: appreciate the wealth that comes with being very realistic about who we are instead of trying to change each other.

THE THREE DILEMAS OF DIVORCE

But this is not a movie in the purest Hollywood style and life is not many times . Crisis comes from the Greek verb krinein which means to separate, but also to decide and this decision sometimes leads inevitably towards the rupture.

The neuropsychiatrist Mony Elkaïm affirms that the couple's encounter is a meeting of two parallel dimensions and not always reconcilable .

The question that arises is: can a divorce be done well? In the words of the protagonists, "How can it be so bad to admit moderation" when there is neither good nor bad and the two members of the couple suffer and are vulnerable.

A few days ago I heard Isabel Allende affirm in an interview: "I am 20 years in the relationship and then eight until I get divorced." Like her, many people can take many years thinking about separating and having a hard time deciding. Understandably, some compare the divorce with an emotional traffic traffic accident.

Injuries are not usually physical (although unfortunately there are also) but carried out with cross-reproaches, frontal attacks and court sentences. The decision to ask for a divorce is a crucial dilemma that has consequences for years or the whole life and that not only affects the interested parties, it can also mark the lives of the children, the families themselves, the circle of friends, etc.

Divorce therapy , increasingly requested, provides psychological support to make the decision at times where these questions are in your head: "I think I need to divorce, how can I be sure?"; "I still love him, although I'm not in love"; "Divorce? But if we just got back from a trip together to India." There are three real dilemmas that arise in the face of separation :

1. I want a divorce, but I'm not sure it's the right decision. The pressure to make the "perfect" decision is enormous. The best scenario is to decide cold, not based on an emotional outburst or a reactive response to the other.

2. I do not want to separate, it is my partner who wants it. It is the passive position in which you have to accept a situation that you do not want. The emotions are devastating. There are two crucial questions to ask: am I clinging to my family, even if my relationship does not work? Do I have a realistic view of my relationship or is it based on illusions?

3. I want a divorce because my marriage does not work. You live in the reverie that the other can change so that everything improves. In fact, this position increases the anger towards the couple because it is the "culprit" of divorce. You don't want to feel responsible for what happens and the more you blame them against the other, the more difficult you have to express your own fears and sorrows. In this case, you are still hooked to your partner. Connect exclusively with "your" reasons for separation.

The common element of these three dilemmas is fear. In the first one, the fear of making a mistake, in the second one it is denied that there are problems and in the third one it will be feared to assume any responsibility.

The decision to separate is complex and requires some basic skills :

1. Identify what you feel and desire regardless of what the other may want for you.

2. Connect with your reality and share that information even if you think the other person may feel uncomfortable

3. Stay balanced when your partner tells you something that you are not at all comfortable listening to.

Divorcing with the courage that finally arises from 'History of a marriage' requires remembering that above all a greater good persists: preserving the love and desire for the best for the other, as a person or as a father or mother or your children .

Paraphrasing an old Italian proverb "non tutte le tragedie vengono per nuocere" (not all tragedies come to harm). Would a marriage be happier if one of the two renounces to develop as a person to please the other? Everyone has to find their own answer .

Six questions to ask before considering divorce

For divorce to be a respectful process, couple psychologists Bruce Derman and Wendy Gregson indicate that it is important to answer the following questions:

Do you still have feelings towards your partner? Many people say they want to divorce, but in reality, they are only very angry with their partner and have established a power struggle in relation to their consequent lack of intimacy and closure. If this is your case, it is better that you work in the relationship rather than decide the divorce . Being prepared for divorce means being able to have a clear mind in the face of a decision that you have to keep over time.

Have you ever been married? This apparently paradoxical question means that in order to truly be a couple, you have to create a relationship that includes "our" and "we." It is surprising to see that many couples have been two individuals looking for their own needs and have usually turned their coexistence into a competition . If you have not developed an authentic "we" this would be the opportunity to commit to learn how to do it.

Are you truly prepared for divorce or are you threatening him? Threatening divorce does not mean being prepared to divorce, just instrumentalizing this possibility to release your frustration , acquire power or manipulate the other to change. If what you really want is to divorce you, replace the threat with "I want to close this chapter of my life because I know that I can no longer redirect this relationship."

What is your intention when requesting a divorce? If you hope that through divorce the other person will change is an indicator that you are not prepared for divorce. This one does not have the capacity to correct errors, it only ends the marriage and releases to be linked again with other people. Reflect on the reasons you have to leave and you may discover that there are unresolved personal issues that do not allow you to make the decision. It is time to address them.

Can you handle the unpleasant consequences of divorce? Divorce brings changes and pain because they mean the loss of the "happy family" ideal. Pain, disappointment, loneliness, feeling of failure can crush the mind in this process. It is necessary to have good support between family and friends and / or professional support.

Are you willing to take control of your life in a responsible and mature way? How you answer this question determines the future you are going to have. If you come from positions of bitterness and revenge or, on the contrary, you can negotiate on your future from a position of understanding and respect, it will mark whether the divorce will be easy or not, because separation does not resolve conflicts .

In short, if you do not want changes in your finances, if you cannot accept the sadness or anger of your children or the times of insecurity and if you are not willing to let your partner go mentally, emotionally and materially you are not prepared for divorce .

Isabel Serrano-Rosa is a psychologist and director of EnPositivoSí.

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