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Sometimes desired, sometimes sought, caused and in many other unexpected occasions. When loneliness arrives, one way or another, it is always feared and respected, a situation that is tried to evade. In addition, in today's world, especially from a certain age, it seems that loneliness is understood as a failure and flees from singleness or aspires to avoid or overcome a divorce or separation at all costs although in many cases Try toxic relationships.

Knowing how to be alone is fundamental, a sign of maturity in reality, of autonomy and personal wealth. This is what Silvia Congost , an expert psychologist in self-esteem, emotional dependence and couple conflicts in her work 'Alone' (Ed. Zenith) in which invites to lose the fear of loneliness and provides the keys to do so successfully.

As the author explains, the human being is a social being who has the need to be in contact with other people and when there is a certain harmony or there are points in common, the bonds become stronger, giving rise to relationships of friendship, partner, etc. However, "the loss that makes our lonely panic emerge is the loss of the couple, and there is no doubt that it is a situation that, for better or worse, we have experienced the vast majority of us in at one time or another. For this reason it is so important to ask ourselves what is the best way to face an event like this, "says the psychologist.

Suffering an abandonment on the part of the couple in any of its forms is one of the episodes that causes more suffering and worse lives. "Being afraid of loneliness and being thrown into the void towards her is psychologically and physically heartbreaking. There is no doubt that we all have the psychological mechanisms to deal with it, but even so, being exposed to living it without having chosen it requires a process of grief that can be long and tortuous, " [...] says the expert.

Why do we fear loneliness?

According to Congost, "fear is one of our basic and primary emotions that exist since the origin of the species and is intended to prevent our extinction. On the one hand, there is a kind of biological origin of fear of loneliness . In our evolved There are still some primitive reflexes in the brain that associate being left alone in danger of death despite the fact that the circumstances are totally different today.Not to forget that millions of years ago being expelled or abandoned by the group or the tribe could imply death : being eaten by a predator, attacked by another group, etc. Activating fear is like an automatic brain reaction when your partner leaves you, it is when we connect more with that fear. "

On the other hand, it has a very powerful social component . "We dragged beliefs from a more distant time in which women were forced to marry and have children with almost no choice. At present, although times have changed, it is still frowned upon and more at a certain age. We have all heard sometime: "The rice will pass." Even if we don't like to accept it, it's like that. You feel like you're flawed or imperfect, that nobody loves you, especially with women at a certain age, causing great pain, "Congost explains. .

Even "sometimes we feel ashamed to recognize that we have no partner or that the relationship has been broken. There are even people who take a long time before telling friends. They do not dare for fear of being seen as losers. In addition, we arrive to think that we have not been valuable enough, and that is the reason why they did not want to be with us. In the end it is quite linked to self-esteem, "he continues.

The ads, the movies, the songs, the propaganda don't help either ... According to the specialist "everything in our society draws that image that the ideal is to be in a couple and also perfect. Everything is organized to live as a couple. So when that breaks down, you feel in danger and with a lot of fear. Society tells you that you will succeed when you achieve triumphs in certain areas of your life, and one of them is the social part, that of the couple. you don't have it, you have failed. "

It is in fact, due to this fear, so we end up in many cases creating relationships with emotional dependence and even maintain toxic relationships. "I was encouraged to write this book also because after working for many years with issues related to 'emotional hooks' I clearly perceived that one of the reasons why this dependence is created is because of the fear of loneliness. It is associated to remain without that person will be alone in the world and will try to get out of that situation as soon as possible. The danger is that if you do not know how to carry loneliness, it will condition you since any person who looks at us will be valid and we will hold on to her, creating emotional dependence, even if we are not well with that person, "says the psychologist.

The pleasure of being with oneself

Knowing how to be alone is essential, since "it is to connect with your being, look inside yourself, lower the volume of outside noises and listen to your thoughts. It is to observe what you really feel, what you need, and where you are going. It is an occasion to reinvent yourself and rebuild because when you stay alone is when you really realize who you really are , and what you want in your life. Once you're aware of it, deciding what to do with your life is much easier and there will be no more place to suffer for addictions, toxic relationships, losses, etc. ", says the author.

The problem is that, says Congost, there are many people who do not enjoy their own company. " How long they stay for a while but quickly pick up the mobile or turn on the television. And if we avoid it, we miss the opportunity to meet and connect with those we want and need and even connect more with the other people around us ... Yes we always look out because it is what society pushes us to disconnect from yourself, who you are. And for mental health it is very important to connect with yourself . "

Likewise, the author throughout the book emphasizes that "loneliness does not have to be bad or harmful. What really causes human beings to suffer is isolation . Not having a partner does not mean not having other social relationships. with a rich social life you can feel full in your loneliness without having to have a partner. Therefore, you have to have a circle of friendships with which to combine your moments of loneliness and connection with yourself . "

Another thing is the situation they live, for example, some older people . As Congost explains, some elders live alone, are physically dependent and also depend on their going to see them and keep them company. "In this case, loneliness is harmful because it is not chosen and there is no way out of that circumstance since it does not depend on themselves. In addition, it is shown that without these social ties the probability of getting sick is much higher and they even have more risk of suffering cardiovascular and degenerative diseases. The link with other people in the same situation will be fundamental, "he concludes.

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