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"Perhaps the most difficult parenting task was not to control the behavior of others but himself," said Luther Bear in 'Pie Lakote'.
There can be many reasons why we lose control or patience with our children. Sometimes stress itself everyday favors poor management of problematic situations with children and generally with people in our immediate environment. Parents carry a lot of weight in the "backpack of responsibilities": work, housework, parenting, events, etc.
Among other things, stress favors irascibility, so, in addition to tense situations with our children, we can be overwhelmed and explode "against" them. It is normal and human to lose patience with children , but we must take into account several aspects that we can sometimes lose sight of:
1. They carry out actions of their age. Among them, not obey, snooping, or aspects as "incongruous" for us as deciding what to wear regardless of the time.
2. Since parents are their protective figures, they need your attention almost constantly . In this way, it is normal for them to try to get attention several times a day and in different contexts.
3. Younger children often have not yet acquired the ability to self - control, so we can not ask them to properly manage their emotions.
4. When children are older, sometimes we forget that the attitude they show of going contrary or giving priority to their interests are behaviors that we also had at their age.
5. Children, children and adolescents often give priority to their interests and may not have developed the ability to tolerate frustration .
INDICATIONS THAT WE GOT OUT OF HANDS
One of the first indications that we are losing self-control as parents is to raise the tone of voice. Frequently, shouting is used in the face of despair of not being in control of a situation, to gain an advantage at that time, or to feel superior to the person we are screaming at.
In the case of parents who shout at their children, the reason is probably for the overflow of a situation and subsequent attempt to take control through an action that shows superiority , in this case, raise your voice.
To this is added the impatience as parents of wanting to obtain short-term results from our children, such as learning quickly to brush their teeth, put on pajamas and go to sleep at the scheduled time. However, this and other tasks need time to be assimilated.
Although one of the first signs are the screams, there are others. Among them, for example, lashes . It is useful to identify what behaviors we do in problem situations, and analyze whether they are appropriate and consistent with the example we want to transmit to their children. In case they are not, it is important to replace them with other more appropriate and fruitful behaviors . For example:
1. Perform relaxation or breathing exercises at the first signs of irritability shown by parents.
2. Use assertiveness to communicate with children: ask them what they want properly, why they made certain behaviors, and reach agreements.
What if we explode?
On many occasions, the children try to get what they want and for this they seek to succeed with the way to get it. In this way, they are demanding our attention improperly , which leads us progressively to accumulate anger and anger.
In the first moments, it may be that the parents pretend they do not want to listen or give in to their children's requests. If parents do not have the mechanisms or resources to manage their emotions, there will come a time when they will explode without filters .
We always say that our mind is like a pressure cooker , it is inevitable that tensions, stress and frustration accumulate on a daily basis and for different reasons. The important thing, therefore, is that we have exhaust valves to allow tension and stress to come out in such a way that a balance is maintained between the tension that invades us and the stress that we are able to channel properly.
To the extent that parents have these resources, it will be more difficult to get to the point of losing control. Noobstante, parents are not super heroes endure everything, so it is normal that in many cases explode.
DO WE TAKE THE LIMIT TO POST?
Sometimes they may be aware and sometimes not. Children can "manipulate" us in a certain sense, since this behavior has been a way used by them to get something they want or avoid something they don't want to do. Sometimes they do it consciously, because that strategy has worked for them in the past, and sometimes unconsciously .
It is important to teach them to express themselves directly, without blackmail or detours.
For example: our son has a series of assigned tasks, including making the bed every morning. One day he does not want to do it and begins to say that his gut hurts a lot (and we know that it is an excuse to avoid doing homework). It should detect the desire you have and put it into words, pointing out that the way to reach agreements is not by lying but through sincere dialogue.
When such situations occur at home, it is normal for angry reactions to appear in parents, reproaches of the type "you want to get rid of it again", "you always do the same", and, consequently, frustration and loss of self-control. Hence the importance of teaching children to manage these situations correctly, and always with the example of parents.
DO THEY PAY THE DUCK OF OUR PROBLEMS?
The stress of everyday life leads us to explode with people who are in our closest environment. This, coupled with the lack of ability to manage one's emotions, can increase the likelihood of paying certain situations with children. What can we do to avoid it?
1. It is recommended that self-control be worked on in fathers and mothers , since the child will properly manage problematic situations to the extent that he sees that his reference figures, his parents, do so. That is, children will learn good emotional management through the example of parents. For example, expressing what we want without raising our voice, keeping calm . We have to be aware that parents are the reflection of their children's behaviors in the future, so it is very important to set the right example, inspire them and be good references.
2. Take into account the stage of development they are in. Often we ask the children to understand certain things that, because of their age, can not (some specific situations or explanations we give them). We may fall into the error of demanding too many things that may not be understood given the maturational age of the child, and, consequently, frustrate us and lose patience.
3. Avoid acting or taking action when we are overwhelmed.
4. Do not hold them responsible for our anger . Children are responsible for their behavior, but not for our emotional reaction. It is convenient to avoid phrases like "you make me hysterical" or "because of you now we are not going to arrive on time", and replace them with others such as "when you do not pick up the table, I have to spend more time than usual to do it for you, and I come quite tired of work, can you help me? " or "what do you think we can do so we don't have to wait for you every morning?"
5. Encourage rewarding or leisure activities in fathers and mothers. To educate well, it is necessary that fathers and mothers are also in good condition to do so.
6. If necessary, parents can also apologize to the children , with phrases such as "I have become very nervous to see what you have done, and, although I am still very angry with you, I could have told you otherwise, I'm sorry. "
Alba Mª García Rasero and Rosa Mª Portero Ruiz are health psychologists at the Center for Clinical Psychology (Madrid).
According to the criteria of The Trust Project
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