Too young, too old ... Is there a "norm" for having your first sexual experience? Thursday , in "Without Rendez-Vous" on Europe 1, the psychoanalyst and sexologist Catherine White delivers his analysis on a question that tears more than one person: is there an age to have his first sexual intercourse?
The question of Anaïs, 25
I am 25 years old and I am still a virgin. If I found it legitimate to take my time until then, I feel today very out of step and abnormal. Is that the case ?
Catherine Blanc's answer
It must be said that what we call "normality" means "the greatest number" but that does not mean that, out of this context, we have no right to different expression . The average age of a first time is 17 years old but for all that, we are not late because we have 25. All bodily developments are not the same and to make love, you have to be in adequacy with the other but also with oneself, with its context of life, its urgencies, its priorities. All this gives a first time at different ages.
The age of the first time is at 17 years old. If it's a little before, where is the limit?
It must be understood that from puberty, everything is in place to make love and to make babies. However, do we make babies when we are pubescent? No. Do we make love when we are pubescent? No, but sometimes yes. The body is ready for that. That said, two 14-year-olds do not have the same body. At this age, children have baby bodies when others have adult bodies. Our bodies do not refer us to the same things, the same appointments, they do not offer us the same opportunities at the same time as our neighbors or classmates.
Conversely, if a person is still a virgin at 40, is there a "problem"?
It tells something indeed. This is a problem for the person because in fact she is very close to something not society but something that tells her body. I have patients of 40 years who come to see me precisely to ask me the question of virginity. They are in the time when their fertility will end. For some, it was a big avoidance company because the best contraceptive is still not making love!
And Anaïs, at 25, must she tell her partner that this is the first time or keep quiet to avoid any pressure?
It depends on the people. Some need the other to be attentive to accompany him in the fight against his fears. All young women do not delay. "Delay" is often driven by fears that cause other preoccupations to pass before the transition to sexuality. That being said, arriving in a relationship by saying "I am a virgin," "I warn you ..." or "attention" can sometimes place a heavy responsibility on a young man who is not always able to assume. It can scare him. On the contrary, others play the superheroes! Some will talk about it because their romantic relationship is done that way and their couple is built like that. Moreover, they are often men for whom sexuality is not ultra-important or he would never have agreed to stay in a long relationship without sex. Others prefer to keep quiet and move slowly when they have matured.
And for those who delay a lot, does not that show a trauma? Should I consult to try to understand?
If the woman wants to make love, yes. Because she may also want to return to the orders! There are plenty of reasons that make you not make love. It can be traumatized experiences that make one need to distance sexuality or desire that one would have because it felt guilty to have for example. There can also be prohibitions such as leaving the maternal relationship and thus remaining a little girl. There can finally be lots of things around fertility like moms who almost died while giving birth. Women do not make love to not risk that.