For some, it is simply not possible. Having sex with someone you do not really love is not done. Monday, in "Without Rendez-Vous" on Europe 1, the psychoanalyst and sexologist Catherine Blanc explains the complexity of the links between sexuality and love, sometimes shaped, for women in general, by centuries of misogyny. With a motto: respect the desires and needs of everyone.
The question of Sabrina, 36
"I can not make love if I'm not in love, I've always been incapable of it, and even today, when I'm single again after my divorce, I feel like I'm a ' Marie, go to bed there. "My girlfriends tell me that this idea is old-fashioned, what do you think?"
To make love only by being in love, is it corny?
It is not up to anyone to decide, it is in any case the way Sabrina works. One can of course wonder, try to know why she can not make love without being in love. But why should it be absolutely free to make love to anyone without any feeling? It is in the air of the day to think that we should all be sexually operative with anyone. But no, for some, it's important to seal a relationship of trust whose love remains the anchor.
Is there a risk of no longer having sex at all?
There are people who fall in love very easily. For others, it takes more time. One may wonder if taking time to fall in love is not a way to protect oneself from what worries us, namely to recreate the link with someone, to get back into the saddle sexually, or to leave the past love idea.
Is it a feminine attitude?
It's a good question. Men have always been welcomed in their sexual desires without being reproached for their desires. While women, if they had desire without feelings of love, then they were prostitutes, in desire of money, of social elevation. Only the perfect loving wife or the mother seeking to found a home was a woman worthy of being able to resort to sexuality without being accused of anything. Indeed, women have a lot more trouble agreeing to have desire without being totally in love. And by the way, what does it mean, "in love"? There are times when you can be more loving than lovable.
What if sexuality was not just about "making love"?
We do not always have sex when we have sex. We also seek pleasure, in a selfish way, without feeling guilty. We seek the stimulation, the excitement, the blossoming of our bodies. Love can multiply that, or inhibit. Because sometimes, to be too much in love, one sets the bar high and one can not agree the right to be in something more animal, more beastly. Many people also come to see me saying that I am deeply in love without having any desire. This is often the rub, this love is so absolute that sexuality comes to put something "dirty" in the minds of these people.
Should Sabrina still try to make love to someone she's not in love with?
Perhaps Sabrina could love herself, grant herself the right to live where she is. But again, everyone has the right to take all the time they need, or put all the context they need, to feel good without being accused of nerdiness.