□ Changjiang Daily reporter Tian Qiaoping correspondent Ding Li Han Jing
What is it that influences modern marriages to the point of divorce?
In this regard, the Changjiang Daily reporter recently interviewed a number of gold medal family mediators.
In Wuhan, there are nearly 10,000 family mediators, who are distributed vertically in communities, streets and districts, and horizontally in marriage registration windows of civil affairs departments, police stations, and courts.
In the cases they came into contact with, addiction to mobile phones has become one of the risk factors affecting modern marriage, and is regarded as a "stumbling block" on the road to marriage.
In addition, the unsatisfactory trivialities cannot be resolved over time, which "erodes" the relationship between husband and wife. The excessive participation of parents and other elders in sons and daughters' small families is also an important factor for couples to divorce.
■ 30% of couples divorce due to addiction to mobile phones
"He doesn't care about me at all. He doesn't care about the children or the family. When he gets home, he just uses his mobile phone." Xiaofang is not the first person who has been contacted by the gold medal family mediator Nie Chunyan to file for divorce because her husband uses his mobile phone.
Nie Chunyan is a full-time family mediator at the Wuchang District People's Court.
Xiaofang told Nie Chunyan that her home made her feel suffocated, and she could not feel warmth or hope.
Because the child is young, she has to take care of the child's eating, drinking and washing, and take the child to sleep every day after returning home from get off work.
After Xiao Fang's husband Xiao Wang came home from get off work, he would eat, check his mobile phone, and sleep.
Not to mention that Xiao Wang took the initiative to help with the housework, even if Xiao Fang called him to help him when he was too busy, he could not be called.
The couple therefore had almost nothing to say.
"Such a family is lifeless and unbearable," said Xiao Fang.
Nie Chunyan asked Xiao Wang to chat.
Xiao Wang thinks his family is normal, and he has no second thoughts about Xiao Fang.
"I give her my salary, and I go home after get off work every day, and I don't play cards or drink outside." However, he looked at the circle of friends, news, and games on his mobile phone, "The time really flies by too fast. ".
"Then can you change the habit of using your mobile phone?" Nie Chunyan saw that the couple who submitted the divorce petition to the court had no problem of principle.
If Xiao Wang changed some habits, the family could still be maintained.
"I have no problem, why should I change it?" Xiao Wang's understanding of marriage and family directly ruined his marriage.
Nie Chunyan's mediation direction has also changed from helping the two maintain their marriage to the issue of property division and who the children will belong to.
She believes that for Xiaofang, the quality of such a marriage is not high, and it is unfair to Xiaofang to insist on maintaining it.
Cao Hongling, a gold-medal family mediator, called the behavior of any spouse indulging in mobile phones at home and not fulfilling the responsibilities and obligations of family members as "cold violence".
"It's just as damaging to the family as the domestic violence that comes out of it."
According to Cao Hongling, divorces due to lack of communication between husband and wife due to one party's addiction to mobile phones, failure to share housework, and inability to care for each other have accounted for 30% of the total number of divorces.
When the court conducted the pre-litigation mediation of the divorce case, Cao Hongling also noticed another problem brought about by mobile payment - the de facto division of property between husband and wife.
"Our grandparents' generation encapsulate their wages in letters, take them home and combine them, and take as much as they use; when it comes to the parents' generation, one party will hand over the salary card to the party in charge of financial management. This is actually a husband and wife jointly running a marriage and family. material performance." Cao Hongling said.
"Now things have changed." During Cao Hongling's mediation, some young couples who were divorced would quarrel over who paid more for the family.
"I pay the water and electricity bills at home." "I bought the vegetables." "Didn't I buy a roll of paper last week?" All of them are detailed accounts.
However, these small expenses necessary in life often inadvertently become a "thorn" in the hearts of the parties.
The income of both husband and wife is kept separately, and the daily expenses in life are paid separately. The concept of jointly supporting the family and running the family has been financially "disintegrated".
Many couples do not know how much savings the other party has when they divide their property during divorce.
A mobile phone with one account per person is a powerful platform that integrates many functions such as making friends, entertainment, and financial management, and has also become a "third party" in the life of couples.
When it comes to mobile phones, couples who don't handle it well end up with a marriage breakdown.
■ "Without you earning money to support the family, how can she read a Ph.D. with peace of mind?"
"Mr. Kang, I wish you a happy holiday! Thank you very much for your help and guidance, we are back on the right track. This crisis has taught me a lesson that goes deep into my heart, and I am very fortunate to meet you." Early, 65-year-old Kang Lanying received this blessing text message as soon as she arrived at the office.
Kang Lanying is the family mediator of the Hongshan District Marriage and Family Dispute Mediation Center. Her office is next to the divorce window of the Marriage Registration Office on the 6th floor of the Hongshan District Government Service Center.
She is also one of the first gold medal family mediators awarded by Wuhan Women's Federation.
On the morning of the first day of work after the Spring Festival this year, Mr. Xie and his wife, Ms. Li, came to go through the divorce procedures and were found by Kang Lanying who was patrolling the hall.
Kang Lanying thought she could do some mediation work for the couple, so she asked them to go to the mediation room to talk first.
More than a month later, Mr. Xie and Ms. Li worked hard to improve the relationship between husband and wife according to the method taught by Kang Lanying, and the family's life was back on track.
In Kang Lanying's words, family mediators do two things: if they find a salvageable marriage, they will work patiently and meticulously to get the family back on track; for an irreversible marriage, they will build a ladder to make the divorced parties respectable. Underground.
Some of Kang Lanying's mediation objects came from the mediation room by herself, and most of them were found in the marriage registration hall.
That day, she immediately noticed Mr. Xie and Ms. Li in the hall: the husband repeatedly expressed to his wife that he did not want a divorce, but he tried his best to cooperate with the wife who was determined to divorce.
Kang Lanying, who was sitting behind the two of them, listened to it.
She also saw fresh scratches on his wife's neck, and the two must have just had a fight at home.
Kang Lanying has a good idea - you can try to mediate.
She invited the two of them into the mediation room separately to learn about the situation one by one.
Mr. Xie and Ms. Li are university classmates. After graduation, they got married and their daughter is 5.5 years old.
Mr. Xie worked early to support his family; Ms. Li has been studying and is about to leave the post-doctorate.
Ms. Li told Kang Lanying that her husband was seldom at home and didn't help the family very much. In addition, he liked to drink, so he would beat her when she was drunk. After sobering up, she promised not to beat her again, but the next time she was drunk, she would beat her again. she.
In the worst case of her husband's beating, Ms. Li called the police.
Kang Lanying asked: "It has always been like this or has it been like this since then?" Ms. Li said that it was like this after she studied for a doctorate.
Kang Lanying understood that this is a typical family with "higher women than men" in terms of education.
The original starting point of the two was the same, but as the wife's education became higher and higher, the original family balance was broken.
Kang Lanying asked: "Do you sometimes talk carelessly, for example, he is useless?" Ms. Li admitted that she said such things.
Kang Lanying then invited Mr. Xie into the mediation room.
Mr. Xie also said that he was aggrieved: he started working after graduating from college, and has been working hard to earn money to support his family and support his wife's studies.
Now, he feels a growing gap between himself and his wife.
When he thought about it, he became depressed and started drinking. After drinking too much, he couldn't control himself to beat his wife.
"You have always been equal at home. Without you earning money to support the family, how can she read a Ph.D. with peace of mind? This is your value and contribution in the family." Hearing Kang Lanying's words, Mr. Xie was a little surprised.
This was something he and his wife never thought about.
From the perspective of a third party, Kang Lanying helped the couple see their respective positions and roles in family life.
The problem for the two of them is that both of them only see their academic qualifications. One keeps moving forward and the other stays put.
The key to resolving the conflict is to bring them back on an equal footing.
The two who were greatly inspired said that they would go back and try again.
Kang Lanying left Mr. Xie alone and gave him "face-to-face advice": "I want to drink, think about what you said to me today; I usually take the initiative to communicate with my wife to make her feel that you care about her and her; On special days such as anniversaries, wife's birthdays, etc., as a man, you have to show your wife something to make the atmosphere at home a little more romantic..."
In the eyes of family mediators, most of the reasons cited by couples for divorce are trivial matters in life. The accumulation of unsatisfactory trivial matters that cannot be resolved over time "erodes" the relationship between husband and wife, and annihilates the hope of married life.
At this time, helping the parties to find and strengthen the warmth in family life and helping them learn to change often become a key for family mediators to resolve family conflicts.
■ Over-caring by parents eventually ruins their marriages
When the only child starts his own marriage and family life, some parents do not accept the fact that their child is an adult and have a family psychologically and physically, but take care of the small family as they used to take care of their sons and daughters.
This kind of care eventually became the "last straw" that broke the marriage of young couples.
One day, a mother-in-law, her son and daughter-in-law went to the mediation room of family mediator Ma Tianhong.
The daughter-in-law was determined to divorce because her mother-in-law even washed her underwear.
Many Wuhan people are familiar with the name Ma Tianhong.
Ma Tianhong is the head of the "Ma Tianhong Mediation Studio" of the Beihu Street Judicial Office of the Jianghan District Judicial Bureau, the full-time director of the Beihu Street Comprehensive Management Center, and one of the second gold medal family mediators selected by the Wuhan Women's Federation.
The mediator who won the honorary title of "National People's Mediation Expert" not only does mediation work in the office, but also conducts mediation at the parties' homes.
The son and daughter-in-law did not live with the mother-in-law.
My mother-in-law would come to her son's house every day to buy good food, do laundry, mop the floor, and clean up the room.
In the evening, when her son and daughter-in-law came home, she served steaming meals.
This is how she took care of her son when he was single.
Now, she also takes care of her son's small family like this, working hard without complaining.
The daughter-in-law didn't appreciate it: "Mom, we're not tired, we can wash the clothes and make the meals ourselves." The daughter-in-law mentioned it a few times, but the mother-in-law didn't care.
Until the daughter-in-law asked for a divorce: "Mom even has to wash my underwear, do I still have any privacy?"
The mother-in-law was greatly wronged: "I'm taking care of you with all my heart, is it wrong?"
Ma Tianhong comforted his daughter-in-law and went straight to her mother-in-law's job: "They are a small family, and the son is no longer alone in this family. Let them live their lives by themselves, and you can go back and live your own lives."
Ma Tianhong persuaded two such mother-in-laws in the district to respect the small family, because this small family not only has a son, but also a daughter-in-law who is not related by blood.
At the beginning, when mother-in-law and daughter-in-law get along, they are actually two strangers.
Both must have "borders", and the mother-in-law can't copy the way she gets along with her son to her son's small family.
During the mediation of a divorce case, Nie Chunyan watched as a loving father finally pushed his daughter to divorce.
Xiao Tao and Xiao Chen are college classmates. After graduation, they got married and had children. Xiao Tao became a full-time mother.
Xiao Chen, whose hometown is out of town, worked very hard in Wuhan and was promoted very quickly.
Once, Xiao Tao came to Xiao Chen's office and saw dried flowers and cards in his drawer, so he asked him who sent these things.
Xiao Chen said that he did not remember how the dried flowers and cards came from.
Xiao Tao didn't believe it, so he took a child and held a child, and made trouble to Xiao Chen's unit, so that Xiao Chen could not step down.
So, Xiao Chen began to excuse himself not to go home.
In order to help his daughter, Father Tao also went to Xiao Chen's unit many times to find his leader and asked the leader to let Xiao Chen go home.
The behavior of the Tao family's father and daughter undoubtedly had an impact on Xiao Chen's career development, and Xiao Chen firmly filed for divorce.
"Generally speaking, when the man files for a divorce, there is little chance of recovery." After Xiao Chen brought the lawsuit to the court, at the beginning, Tao's father came to the court for his daughter.
Nie Chunyan told Tao's father: "You ask your daughter to talk to me." Xiao Tao sitting in front of her made Nie Chunyan's heartache: a graduate of a well-known university lost her self because she became a stay-at-home mother.
In the battle with her husband, she relied too much on her father.
The father simply and rudely looked for the leader of the son-in-law's unit, which not only failed to solve the problems of the daughter and son-in-law, but had the opposite effect.
The relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is one of the most complicated relationships in the world, and now the relationship between husband and wife has been added.
In an interview with reporters, Ma Tianhong and Nie Chunyan introduced that in divorce cases, 30% of the total number of divorces between young couples was due to parental issues.