It is well known that love makes it possible to overcome all differences, but there are some that are more complex than others to bear.
Money is often a topic that sows discord in a relationship.
It is still sometimes taboo.
Spouses find that excessive salary differences lead to many disputes and misunderstandings on a daily basis.
“In the couple, money is power.
A relationship of domination settles around the one who has the highest salary", attacks Fabienne Dupuij, money-coach and founder of the School of Money, where she provides advice on financial management for individuals or professionals.
A power that is not verbalized most of the time and this silence that surrounds it often sclerates the relationship: "Since money is often avoided in discussions, the great fantasy is to think that everyone touches the same sum.
Hence the reflex to pay 50/50, in order to avoid "headaches".
In reality, it is very rare that two spouses receive the same income, so there is often one or especially one wronged.
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A 2014 INSEE study concluded that in 2011, in 3/4 of heterosexual couples, the man earned more than the woman.
On average, women in a couple received an annual income 42% lower than that of their partner.
By comparison, this gap was only 9% between women and men without a spouse, the study said.
For Margaux Terrou, couple therapist, “our societies have two major taboos: sex and money.
Income in the couple combines the two, resulting in a void of conversation.
It is common that each does not know the salary of the other.
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Love, Glory and Inequality
A pitfall in which Sophie *, a 33-year-old teacher, recognizes herself perfectly, whose spouse Bastien *, a salesman in full professional and salary ascension, receives four times more each month.
An income gap that is not felt in financial management, deplores the young woman: “He always wants us to do 50/50.
At the restaurant, for the apartment, during our holidays… “Principle of equality”, he says.
Our spending may be equal, but not fair.”
Sophie wants to be flexible, but even with all the goodwill in the world, the limits of such a distribution are quickly felt: “In absolute terms, if he doesn't want to spend more than me, why not?
But with our respective salaries, we don't have the same desires at all.
When she would be satisfied with a meal on the run, wants a restaurant for her, when Sophie is satisfied with holidays made in France, Bastien* only vibrates for foreigners: “Even on the races, we argue!
You don't always need organic or meat at every meal.
Monsieur began to love luxury, me to count my pennies.
»
Equality or prosperity, the couple's dilemma
You know the refrain, "when we love, we don't count", "but sometimes, we should anyway", insists Sophie.
“I love him, but if one day I leave him, it will be because of that”.
In order to avoid this kind of argument and breaking the dishes, some couples voluntarily decide to do everything to maintain financial equality as much as possible.
Astrid Hopfensitz, lecturer at the Toulouse School of Economics, evokes a dilemma in most relationships: "Either the couple seeks maximum equality between incomes, even if one or the other gives up a promotion, or the couple is looking for as much money as possible, at the risk of widening the wage gap and increasing tensions".
The income gap is often compensated for by something else: "The person who earns less will increase his contribution in other areas, in order to give back to the spouse what he brings in terms of money", supports the expert. .
Equity – everyone pays in proportion to their salary – actually also poses a problem, analyzes Fabienne Dupuij: “The person who earns less will feel indebted, and generally keep quiet in the event of a disagreement.
Finally, the spouse who earns the most will make all the decisions, since it is he who will finance most of them.
»
"I'd rather he search my phone than my payslip"
Well, that's mostly true in one sense – we'll let you guess which one.
“When a man earns more, the woman will often be more devoted to the tasks of the couple apart from money, in order to compensate.
When a woman earns more... She will often be more devoted to external tasks, so as not to offend the fantasized virility of the man who could feel threatened by a woman earning more", laments the coach: "In both cases, the woman is the loser.
»
The twisted effect goes even further than that, since according to Margaux Terrou, such a male ego would push many women in couples to give up significant salary increases: "They are aware that this will create discord in their relationship and claim a lack of time in order to refuse a promotion.
" For Mélanie *, who prances at 4,500 euros net monthly, more than 2.5 times the median salary in France, the strategy is clear: "I never talk about money or my job, in order to avoid complexes. men.
My couple holds thanks to this rule.
I'd rather he search my phone than my payslip.
»
And on the other side ?
Marc*, a well-paid doctor, claims it too: earning more isn't always easy.
"For couple gifts, I never know what to do: give her something worthy of my salary at the risk of making her feel guilty about her gift, or something less expensive, but look like a stingy.
“A problem that he sees being combined with everything – restaurant, travel… – without finding a solution: “If I offer or pay more, she feels indebted.
If we each do our part, it is ruined.
If we adapt to his salary, I end up with money that is useless.
»
Faced with these worries, Fabienne Dupuij recalls the basics of the couple: co-mmu-ni-quer.
And as long as you do, demystify money "which often imposes itself as the central element of a couple, when there is much more to offer", believes the coach.
Because after all, it's Valentine's Day, the perfect day to believe that love and fresh water are enough to love each other.
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