The five rules of regret .. How do you show regret for your partner?

Shaima Abdullah

“You need an apology,” the psychiatrist told her patient, Maryam A., but is it enough for her to apologize? Will the words of regret return to her the feelings of injustice, feelings of inferiority and loss of self-confidence that she lost during the past years? Will "I'm sorry" bring back the extinguished soul in her body? The doctor answered, "Yes, apologizing alone will be a comfortable and sufficient solution, so that you can return to yourself again."

But how will the apology that we accept over time be? What many do not know is how to make an apology worthy of what they did, or how to overcome their feelings of pride.

So if you owe an apology to someone, you hurt him one day, then perhaps you will find in the advice of psychologists what you did not know, and you may learn a new way to push your arrogance that prevents you from expressing your apology.

what is the difference?
Psychologists differentiate between regret and apology, according to the American writer Henry Boy in his article in the magazine "Gloucast" about the benefits of regret, he decides that regret is expressing remorse for Badr from actions, and a vigorous attempt by the unjust party to correct the mistake he committed against the oppressed, and to return to him a part Of his wasted dignity. As for the apology, it is a measure to end the situation, no more, and there is a huge difference between the effect that the real regret leaves, and the lightning apology.

One of the benefits of regret - as Bowie defines - is that it helps to ease any conflict and re-establish the spiritual relationship with the partner, and if you are primarily a person who mastered the rules of expressing remorse, this will reduce the tension the person feels during that relationship.

In his book, "Emotional First Aid," American psychologist Jay Wench says that effective regret will not only heal the wound, but it will also benefit in your treatment of your guilt. Unfortunately, it serves as a deterrent from repeating the mistake, in addition to giving you real strength, so you feel that you are able to confront, and accept the consequences Whatever.

Why is it difficult to say?
There are many reasons why it is so difficult to express remorse and express regret, which Boy summarizes in:

• All patterns of regret entrench some people that you are wrong, which threatens the arrogance and pride of the person who offers the apology, in addition to that some consider the unilateral apology a reason that the other person does not realize his wrong behavior, but in reality this is not true, on the contrary, opens the person’s expression He lamented what went wrong between the two parties, and stimulated sympathy and understanding between them.

• Unfortunately, a way to draw attention to the error, and ignore the errors is unhealthy, but the opposite is to see, clarify and apologize for it, the error may be small, and the crime is not great, but it deserves an apology and regret, because the amount of damage from the error may be greater than the error itself, so you should not let Unfortunately, things got worse.

• A person’s belief that someone who deserves an apology crushes a lot of relationships, so you wait for regret while you are wrong, and defend your mistakes, it increases the crisis, make the first step, this will not diminish your business, but will give you additional attraction.

• Some people see that regret is prolonged in the past, and they want to move forward, but for any aspiring front, if behind you are all this many mistakes that deserve regret and remorse, if you do not know them, explain them to yourself and reconcile with them and with your regret, there will be no progress in your relationship.

• The person believes that he does not deserve forgiveness, so he says he will not forgive me, you will not forget what I did, but these words paralyze the relationship from the ground up, and make the owner lack the ability to reform and move forward.

The five rules
Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas, the authors of "The Five Languages ​​of Love", are sadly occupied, writing their new book "When Apology Is Not Sufficient ... Fixing Things with Those You Love". The book falls into 12 chapters, considering that expressing remorse for mistakes is an art that has rules and etiquette, and has some It is said with regret, and there is also what is not said, which we think is the most important. Chapman, who is one of the most prominent advisers in relations with the United States, confirms that a true apology for a partner has five basic rules, the first of which is expressing remorse.

first rule
Body language in feeling regret is much more important than what is said by the tongue, you have to convince the other side with regret in real.

The second rule
Accept responsibility and bear the results no matter what, any error can be shown regret, and the only error that will continue to haunt you is the one that you cannot admit and bear its results

The third rule
Compensation to fix matters with the one you love, giving something equivalent to what was lost or damaged, the rule that you do not accept compensation does not apply to everyone, nor in all cases, your willingness in front of the other to do something that will compensate for pain, loss or loss will be a strong indication that you I really felt the pain from what I did.

Fourth and fifth
Sincere repentance, then beautiful forgiveness.