In a couple, man and woman do not always want to make love at the same time. Preliminaries, more or less long, more or less naughty, can help to arouse the excitement, but can also cut short. Thursday, in Without Rendezvous on Europe 1 , the psychoanalyst and sexologist Catherine White delivers her analysis on this question: how to awaken the desire of the other without rushing it?
Raphael's question, 45 years old
"My wife blames me for not doing enough foreplay, but when I do, she does not seem motivated anymore.
Catherine Blanc's answer
"The problem is that she is not in a condition to make love when he wants to, so she asks him for preliminaries to get in shape, but when he does, it does not matter. It does not change much, which raises the question of what she would like, what she hears, in preliminaries and not what he hears.
If the preliminary is an introduction too direct, the partner may be in difficulty because it may still be in his personal concerns, in the concerns of everyday life and therefore in a distance from sexuality.
What does she want? Perhaps it is, for example, a cunnilingus, in which case the man takes the time. It is not because we are doing this act that something must happen in the second. It can take a few minutes, become a game, or even be the sexual act itself.
How to wake up desire?
If she is in difficulty to enter into a process of sexualizing the relationship, to think that she can have fun and give it to another, it is first in a link restored. In our life as a couple, we love each other, live together, we each do a bit of our missions on his side. We must find links that make us want to play together, and especially erotically.
If you never touch yourself in life, if you do not have a soft gesture, without sexualizing this gesture, if someone who never touches you suddenly jumps on you, it's pretty aggressive, when even that person is not aggressive. Therefore, it is difficult to open. It will rather be a way of touching, of looking at each other, of passing one beside the other, of winking. It must be said that we are special characters for each other since we share a bodily intimacy.
Why are men generally more in a hurry than women?
It is often the one who proposes sexuality that is ready, in the starting blocks, when the other is totally different. When the man is ready to make love, he wants to make love as quickly as possible, because he may fear losing his erection, that the moment is no longer appropriate. Everything starts in him, and he wants to be able to report it. Women are not always at this rendezvous. The mistake is that they do not always express that desire when they have it. If they said: 'I want', men would see that it is not always easy to have an erection in the second. "