Mourning a loved one is always a very intimate moment, experienced differently by each individual. In the show Without appointment on Europe 1, the psychiatrist and sexologist Catherine Blanc answers the question of an auditor who wonders if the death of the mother of her husband is the reason why they no longer have any reports sexual.
Sandra's question
"My husband lost his mother during this coronavirus epidemic. He is very affected and this is completely normal. However, it has been over a month since we had intercourse. Do you think that Is this ordeal the cause of his lack of desire? "
Catherine Blanc's response
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"It is not automatic. Sometimes making love is a way of denying death and being in life more than ever, or being in the affirmation of the need of the other, of the need of tenderness, at the moment when the tenderness of those who were dear to us disappears. In this specific case, we can say that losing our mother is to find ourselves in a situation of a child in mourning. Whatever our age, when we lose our parents, there is something about the child who loses the parent. However, we have demonstrated our competence to be an adult, to do without our parents. Besides, we sometimes balk at going seeing too often, not because we don't like them, but we have our lives. Suddenly, it's another thing to imagine that they will never be there again. Obviously, we revisit our whole past, we revisit our childhood. No doubt her husband is currently on these visits. Even if he is not in the expressed grief, he is in his te mps of childhood. However, one is not making love when one is a child. We are not in sexual desire, since we do not live from the point of view of his position as an adult. So it's completely normal and for everyone it takes a little different time yes.
When to consult or ask for help?
It's complicated to say what is the deadline. In our modern society, we tend to think that we should turn the pages, that we should move on, that we should always move forward. That being in grief is dangerous is depressing and that it is proof of frailty. But let's look at the religions: many religions offer a delay in mourning. Where we wore black, where we were in prayers, where we were in memories ... In some religions, it's almost a year to go around the mourning.
That doesn't mean we weren't active, but we weren't planning things that negated the realities of death. Very quietly, we moved on to something else between the cultural heritage of our parents and what to leave aside to write your own life. It is very difficult to decide from when. I think we just have to see when our life changes.
Grief is one thing, but if we are no longer able to be in touch with ours, if we are more able to work, if we are more able to find moments of smiles and joy for too long long time, so yes, you shouldn't stay in there. Because the dead man is dead, but he doesn't take us with him to his grave.
>> Find the whole of Sans rendez-vous in replay and podcast here
Is it normal to feel frustrated for the spouse?
The spouse is not the rival of a mom who is suddenly put forward. Her frustration comes from the fact that she feels a son's love for his mother. Suddenly, she has the feeling that she is a negligible quantity. But love is plural. Sometimes we are all about our love, our desire and at that time we leave our entourage a little, which does not mean that we do not love them. And there are times when we are all in our grief, so we also leave our entourage, which does not mean that we do not love them.
Time must be allowed, perhaps talk about it. Not necessarily how we're going to get out of it, but talk about this deceased parent, the memories that come back. Even if there are tears, you can offer your arms to console. Even an adult who looks like a big boob, who looks strong and muscular, suddenly is all fragile. It is also in there that the qualities of bond are woven.
Are there any tips for her husband to regain the desire?
We will avoid playing the nurse in the erotic sense of the term. We will avoid playing mom because she is irreplaceable. Rather, you have to be the right duo, the companion of life animated with joy, laughter, not false of course. And when there is crying, show that we are there. Bring life proposals, but not to pull the blanket, to comfort simply. Sex can wait. "