- What is sexting and why is it a risk?
"Today you were prettier than ever." "I've had to contain myself knowing you're married to not invite you to dinner." "What a great body of gym you are running; your wife will be delighted." Are these messages sent by two people with other sentimental commitments harmless? Are they just a game between two acquaintances? Is playing to seduce or flirt with a partner or friend without abandoning the WhatsApp or Facebook is infidelity? What separates the silly tone tone from the most flagrant betrayal that harms and deceives? Is virtual interaction incompatible with partner maintenance?
Not having the person in front can encourage boldness and make fantasy offer us a greater dose of excitement, but where is the red line? The Australian psychologist Melanie Schilling is clear, coined the term microinfidelities to name these small contacts where physical and / or emotional interest is shown by a third party.
WHAT IS INFIDELITY?
In our society, it seems to be in common agreement that carnal exchange with a person outside the relationship is considered to break the explicit or implicit contract of sentimental fidelity (except in open relationships or polyamory).
However, virtual possibilities have added more ambiguity to interactions and broken the general consensus of what is and what is not an infidelity. It is not necessary to look for the complicity of the discreet little hotel, applications like WhatsApp or Facebook, Instagram offer a direct access to the "other desired" at any time and place.
According to a study by the University of Sunderland, 80% of women would consider sexting (messages with high erotic content that may be accompanied by photos) as an infidelity against only 38% of men. They claim to feel equally betrayed by the complicity and emotional involvement of their peers with another person. The novelty is the medium because it allows a proliferation of "erotic" contacts without necessarily connecting melee.
However, the term fidelity comes from the Latin word "fides" which means trust. Therefore, an infidelity would be a behavior that promotes a loss of confidence within the couple . This is subjective and depends on education and culture, but also on what was agreed by the partners.
Often, problems arise when one of them speaks of their flirtations as "something unimportant" while the other feels that it affects the security base on which their relationship rests and lives them as a threat.
VIRTUAL AND SELF-ESTIMATE FLIRT
The so-called cyber infidelity seeks novelty, other sensations, a desire to meet again with a lost and longed-for version of oneself , to feel desired ("I like to like it," says Juan, who plays with several women known in Tinder) or desired ( "Self-esteem goes up," says Luisa, who puts eyes and affectionate emoticons on a partner) or can enjoy sex more intensely.
In fact Daniel H.Pink, the author of the bestseller 'When? The science of finding the right moment ', points to the end of a decade representing a prominent border between the vital stages and functions as a marker of progress in life. At 39, 49 and 59 there is a greater possibility that someone who had not thought about having an extramarital relationship is now encouraged to start a "tele-adventure" without leaving home through the Smartphone, Tablet or computer.
Other times, what happens is that couples feel alone , are involved in negative relationship models, suffer criticism from their partners or do not receive affection. They don't know what to do about it, they feel helpless and hopeless. It happens that anyone who tells them something nice and is kindly draws their attention and begins a sentimental relationship between them. Applications to meet people from the privacy of the home are a paid field for temptations in these situations.
The concealment of these behaviors would be the main symptom: if you talk secretly with someone and keep their number with a nickname to not show the real one, there is a micro-cheating of the official couple.
In therapeutic practice we have seen paradoxical cases where the couple reaches the break when this secret is discovered without necessarily having the extra-conjugal relationship passed from the virtual phase . Once trust in some couples is betrayed, things do not return to the same way as before, despite the talk of what was behind the infidelity.
Fortunately, this does not have to be this way and in many cases the crisis that opens in the relationship can lead to putting on the table aspects that had been forgotten. Microinfidelity can be a bomb in the waterline of neglect and apathy that had seized the partners.
Given the data, the reality is that adventures or micro adventures, hoaxes or micro-hoaxes are more possible today than ever. We can accept them with sportsmanship or provoke them out of curiosity . The concept of adventure itself is associated with something exciting. The daily life of microinfidelities makes them seem innocuous, but as the sociologist Georg Simmel said "our modern life is based on faith in the honesty of others. If the few people closest to us lie to us life becomes intolerable."
Isabel Serrano-Rosa is a psychologist and director of EnPositivoSí.
According to the criteria of The Trust Project
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