Do I have to worry if I find a dildo in my partner's drawer? Does this mean that I do not fully satisfy her sexually? On Thursday, in Sans rendez-vous, the program Santé d'Europe 1, the psychoanalyst and sexologist Catherine Blanc examined the use of sex toys by women, objects of fear and questions for men.
The question of Thierry, 42 years old
I discovered that my wife had a dildo hidden under her lingerie. What do I must understand ? That my penis is not the right size, in any case, the size of his fantasy?
Catherine Blanc's answer
Indeed, it is always curious to come across things that reflect the intimacy of the other, an intimacy that we do not share. When you are in a relationship, you think you share fantasies, the knowledge of what drives the other. It is therefore a surprise, which is not always comfortable, and that is asked the question: "I am excluded from this confidence, what does it tell about me?". In reality, it only tells about her.
In reality, many women have dildos ...
Yes, lots of women do. Often they have them but do not use them. Anyway, this dildo is a way for her to masturbate. Does he account for all his mastrubations? In addition, she does it with a dildo, not with the penis of another gentleman.
So it has nothing to do with the size of his penis?
He believes that the dildo is going to be a rather caricatural representation of a penis to which he can not associate. So it wakes up his doubt about himself. There is therefore a double doubt: as to the size and the fact that she needs sexuality outside me .. There is therefore a questioning of its sexual value.
Does he have to compete with this dildo?
That's the whole problem of dildos: they are very anxious for men precisely because they are bigger or vibrate. So it destabilizes many men. When these dildos are big, they are also research that women do. When in doubt about their pleasure, they struggle to have fun. When they are struggling to feel, they look for everything that could awaken this body. And think that maybe bigger, smoother or more vibrant, might create something.
Maybe it's a marker of a real problem in their relationship?
Yes, there may be a real problem but not necessarily related to the couple, but related to it. After, there may be just a desire to slummer and try the girlfriend thing. But it does account anyway for personal research. Sexuality made between oneself and oneself is not sexuality made in exchange with a man, so it is another thing that is played out. But it raises the question of a fantasy that may be missing the couple or a search for a pleasure that is not necessarily found and desperately seeking without deceiving his partner.
Does Thierry have to talk to his wife?
It depends on the woman. Maybe having found him in the underworld where we were not supposed to go for a walk, it will not be welcomed nicely. If, on the other hand, it was between three socks and looking for something, things are simpler. And if the woman is generally open to the discussion, he can say to her: "Say my naughty, I found that, you speak to me?". This can eroticize the relationship. Otherwise, he may choose to say nothing and ask the question: "Well, I thought I wanted to buy you a dildo, would that tell you?" to see what she will say. Maybe "you know, I already have one" or not. And at that moment, we respect.